Oh dear, a small piece of my brain has fallen out!

Daaaaaaaaamn.
I sat on my glasses. Bend-age now. Need pliers. Good thing school is finished for now. I'm sick of school. Behind in work, missing week of school is bad, damn conjunctivitis. Provisionally failed maths. Uh oh. It's only foundation.

I am scared that my media product will be bad. Ramble ramble.

What's in a name?

Emily:
Rival
Emulating
Striving
Industrious

Those are a few definitions I found for my name... I don't like it... Well, I like the name, but I'm not sure if I like the definitions, for me that is.

What is in a name? I'm not really a superstitious person, if you would call it superstition, but do names really carry any meaning for a person? I don't like the idea that I'm moulded a certain way because of my name, it makes me feel like I'm being controlled.

I wish it was like the bible, or a lot of other book and stories I've read where people are renamed, they get their real name from someone that's shaped around their true self, and reveals their identity.
I want that name.

What would you rename me if you had the chance?

Elaboration across the nation.

"They sung 'I am a Friend of God' or whatever it's called... one of my pronouncedly disliked songs... but I got over it. Will elaborate, eventually."

I said I would elaborate, so here is my elaboration, wow!
This is a song we sing at church sometimes, and I don't like it. A few other people I know don't like it either, anyway, the song's basic lyrics are:

I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
He calls me friend.

There are more, but I forget what they are.
I don't know why I dislike the song so much, I just do. Maybe it has to do with the lyrics... I like my lyrics deep and meaningful. Maybe those lyrics are deep and meaningful for someone else, but they're not for me.

Whenever we sing the song in worship, I just cringe on the inside, especially when I see the worship leaders up on stage smiling and clapping and such... one of them really annoys me, because it always looks like she's fake smiling, and I don't like her voice, but anyway, it's not about that.
I suppose you would say our church is pentecostal, we're big on worship and the holy spirit and such.

So, when the song started playing, I just tuned out and probably rolled my eyes on the inside, at the same time as going 'Ugh! I hate this song!'
After a little while of being stubborn and song-hating, I had the realisation that the songs we sing in worship aren't for me. They're not for you either, or anyone else in my church, your church, or the world. The songs are for God, and he doesn't care what they sound like, or if I don't like the song, he cares about the heart that the worship is coming from. I don't sing worship songs for my enjoyment (although I do enjoy it anyway) or to feel close to God (although sometimes I do that too) but I sing worship songs to do just that, worship God. It is for him, for me to tell him that I love him, to thank him, to praise him, to cry out to him.

So that's what I did.


TERMINATE ELABORATION

Asthma

So, I have asthma, and have had it for as long as I remember.
I don’t really get it that bad, I used to when I was younger, but I don’t get it as much now.

The church I’ve been brought up in for most of my life is into healing, and so am I.
I’ve been prayed for so many times during my life, by so many different people, in so many different places, for my asthma. I still have asthma.

Why? Is pretty much the question I’m asking here. Some people might say it’s because I have no faith, or the person praying for me has no faith, but what do they know? I have faith for healing, as do the numerous people who’ve prayed for me, and plenty of people who have no faith at all that God will heal them have been healed.

Others would say that God does not want to heal me, but it says in the bible that we have authority over sickness and such, “Your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth, as it is in Heaven” The kingdom of Heaven-besides being a movie I haven’t seen-is a place where there is no sickness. Your kingdom come… on Earth as it is in Heaven.
My church talks a lot about this sort of verse, and taking authority over sickness.

So, if I have faith, authority, and God’s will, then why aren’t I healed? And why don’t other people get healed sometimes?
Back to the topic of having faith, while I do have faith in miracles, I’m a bit cynical from time to time. I hear stories about miraculous healings, but I find it a bit hard to believe, I mean, how do I know it wasn’t staged? How do I know it’s true? I never knew the sick person. I also have a had time trusting pastors. I know it’s a good thing to sort of challenge them, and not believe every word someone says to you, just because they have a credible position, but I question and challenge everything it seems. My un-trusting-ness, or whatever real word I’m looking for there, is a bit unhealthy.

One thing these pastors and preachers who I have a hard time trusting say to not focus on what God hasn’t done in your life, but focus on what he has done. I’ll try and do that.

I had a thought that maybe God is healing my asthma. In the process of. Because when I get prayed for, sometimes, my asthma goes away for a while. Days, weeks, months. But it eventually comes back. Why? I don’t know. All I know is, I’m confused, and this blog hasn’t helped to sort out my thoughts and make me less confused.

Vintage Train

So, yesterday, (yesterday being Saturday) I went to my Pop's farm in good ol' Bairnsdale!

Bree, Nath and I went up there to check it out and see if it was fit for a wedding.
'Twas a long car ride up there, but we stopped for ice cream! (My suggestion...request...order)

Hmm, so we arrived at Le Farm and were glad to be able to stretch our legs, 'ahhhhh...' We ate one of the best dinners I've ever had! OHitwassogood! Mmm... Corned beef, and salad that had pineapple in it, but it was good, and beetroot! I love beetroot. And 'taters.
Dessert=Baked!Custard & Homegrown peaches.

We talked long about Tasmania, and yachts and first fleet convict ancestors, Bree again made suggestions about who I should marry, to which I rolled my eyes.

Then to bed! We all (minus the grandparents) snuggled up in the same bed and sang songs. We all had to shoot ourselves at one stage, unfortunately as 'Lips of and Angel' by Hinder actually managed to process itself in our brains and pass out of our mouths only to enter our ears! Oh the shame! Hate that song. With a passion.
Also, we did sing 'Hakuna Matata' and 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight?'

Then we made jokes about names of characters from Lord of the Rings. I'll see if I can remember any...........
Nah I'm blank, sorry... only ones that come to mind are the not so funny ones... Faramiracle... and Fireman Sam... Oh, and Ahh, when (Arwen) are you gonna stop?

They're really not that funny, but you need the build up, and you need to be having a laughing fit at the time. Sleep. I win. Ha.

Breakfast=Little balls of cantaloupe & passion fruit & best strawberry yoghurt I've ever tasted!
Second Breakfast=Bacon & Eggs & Toast

After breakfast, we explored ze farm. Everything was smaller than I remembered... damn growing up...
Chickens laid one egg.
Shed may be too small for wedding.

Walked down the lane, saw the Heifers and Bulls. We sat on the grass for a while staring at the cows, then went and looked at the half empty dam. Damn. Ha, I'm so funny.
Looked at very cool tree stump we used to play on, next to windmill.
We (Josh, me, Cameron, Christopher-Haven't seen those two for years.) used to play shoot 'em up games. Guess who always won? Not me.


Walked back to farmhouse. Glanced at train carriage, which is the coolest thing ever by the way, it's an old, vintage train carriage that my Pop bought and renovated, so to speak. It has two bedrooms, a kitchen, a bathroom, a lounge room (complete with fireplace) and a little front room/foyer/whatever. I wish it were mine. I want it. I must have it.

Something to aspire to. A vintage train carriage owner.

Went down in the cellar. MUCH smaller than I remembered, but still very cool.

That was pretty much the end of that chapter. Drove home (Ice cream again! Bubble O Bill) Had KFC for lunch. Doesn't nearly add up to the farm meals.
I like road trips. It wasn't much of one, three or four hours, but I like it :D Music, fast, wind, sleepy, it's good.

Went to church, was late but oh well. They sung 'I am a Friend of God' or whatever it's called... one of my pronouncedly disliked songs... but I got over it. Will elaborate, eventually.

Daddy was at church so he took me home! Which meant that shy little didn't me have to go up to people who don't live my way and ask for a life. Dammit 'e', why so close to 't'!? ask for a lift, I meant.

Came home. No one home. Lights out. Door WIDE OPEN. Doo doo doo. I was freaked out. Especially when the dogs started barking at a tree in the back yard that seemed to be moving a heck of a lot. So I just rang Holly and talked to her until Bree and Nath came home.

The End

Cloud nine.

These clouds are way cool, man.

http://pic1.funtigo.com/valuca/?g=25544746&cr=1

They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!

Ha! Love it.

Friendly Friends.

I like having friends, I've discovered.
I've always sort of had friends, I guess, but only recently have I had any real friends.
I've usually been one of the favourites in my friendship groups, I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging or anything, that's just the way it normally is/was. But even though I was the 'favourite', my friends never really cared about me, and loved me. I mean, they'd say they did, but I never really felt it.

Just recently, as in late last year/early this year, have I had any friends who are of great value to me, and treat me like I'm of great value to them. I've always wanted friends like this. Always. And I always wondered why I didn't have fantastic friends, why my friends didn't mean everything to me like they meant everything to other people.
I still don't know the answer to that question.

Having friends who love you is pretty much one of the best things in the world.

The other day, for example, was a time when I felt loved; I'd missed youth on Friday because of Veta camp, and on Sunday night at church, more people than I'd expected commented on how they'd missed me on Friday, and how it was weird that I wasn't there. I know they were just words, but they were said with meaning, and they meant a lot to me.
"Wow, people actually missed me!" I've never had that feeling before.

I've always been really shy, and quiet. I think I assumed that my presence just always goes unnoticed... apparently not so.


One of the strange things is as well, that I don't know if I'd consider myself to be close friends with a lot of these people. That might just be me beating myself up and saying that 'they don't really like you that much', but I don't know them a whole lot... and still, some of the friends and acquaintances I've made recently are the best friends I've ever had.

Music

Hmm..... nothing to really blog about, so here are some bands I've been getting into lately:

Lazy Susan
Damien Rice
Thank you, Chongy

Phoenix
Imogen Heap
Frou Frou
Brooke Frasier
Thank you, Taylor Twins

Hmm... So you should really get into it. Whoever you are.

Also I still love Sufjan Stevens, & Switchfoot & Muse & etc...
I really want Switchfoot's new album, Oh! Gavity.

Doo doo.
END.

VETAMORPHUS.
You should all do VETAMORPHUS.
Even though, if you're reading this, the chances are you have already done Veta, as the only people who really even know about my blog are old VETArans.

Ha. I'm awesome.

Anyway, I went on Veta retreat 1. last weekend, and it was good.
The part I thought was the best was actually the bible study of the genealogy of Jesus, which I thought would be boring.
I don't read my bible much, which may be strange considering I'm a 'Christian kid' but it just never really appealed to me, and then I felt bad because at church people would blab on about how reading the bible is essential and blah blah blah.
That's all well and good, I know reading the bible is good, and when I'd feel bad, I'd beat myself up and make stupid promises, like 'I'll read my bible 10 minutes every day.'

Unless you are good at keeping those sorts of promises, don't make them. You just feel bad later.

Anyway, I think the reason I hardly ever read my bible is because I don't know how! Did they teach me in kid's church? No. How about in youth? Maybe, but I don't remember, and there was nothing extensive. Connect groups? Hardly, maybe had the most of the three and still had scarcely anything.

I think there are a lot of Christians out there who don't know how to read the bible. Because no one teaches us. Maybe that's something I should talk to my youth leader about.

Well, we looked deep into the genealogy of Jesus and got so much more out of it than I ever thought we could. I really had no idea that you could look at the bible like that and get so much out of it.
I still don't know exactly how to read the bible, but I expect I'll learn a little from VETAMORPHUS. Coolies.

The part of the camp that wasn't so good was the fact that I didn't know anybody. I knew Digger though, so that was fun.
But everybody seemed to come from the same church or school, and their peer groups had started three weeks before, whereas my group only stared the Wednesday before the camp.
But everyone had their own little clique, and if you joined in their group discussion they talked about stuff back home, that you didn't know about.

I just hate that left out feeling, and feeling awkward standing around seeing the groups of people talk away. It doesn't help that a lot of the other people are loud personalities and I'm extremely shy in situations where I don't know people.
Although one girl, Kristy, saw me one time when I was by myself and asked me if I wanted to join them, so that was nice, she didn't really know anyone either.

Highlights of camp:
1. First bible study.
2. The other sessions were good as well. I like sessions. I'm a sessiony sort of person. I wish teachers were as passionate as the people on camp.
3. The beach. Love the beach. Went swimming in my clothes.
4. Listening to Switchfoot on... Sam's? iPod. (I had a song stuck in my head and I was annoyed that I wasn't going to hear it on the weekend, then I did, and t was satisfying.)
5. Using initiative! I asked Cheryl if they need more singers for worship which they did, so I joined and that was fun.

'The measure of a man's real character is what he would do if he knew he would never be found out.'

I read this yesterday in a little lame joke/quote book I have.
What would you actually do if you knew you would never be found out?
What would would you do if you knew you could never be found out by God?

As impossible as that is, it's a scary thought, and I really have no idea what I would do, but I wonder what I would be capable of. I'm generally a follow-the-rules person as a principle, but would my morals stand by me if I knew no one would ever find out what I'd done? Would I still carry the guilt, the shame, if I'd done something terrible?

I'd like to think that I wouldn't do something terrible, but the truth is, I really don't know.

Post Mission Blues.

Well, I might have figured it out.
The reason I got Post Mission Blues so bad this year is because I had nothing to go home to.
Sure there was youth, but that's once a week, and school is a downside, not an upside.
When I think about the changes in my life recently, the only reason I didn't want to leave beach mission so much, besides all the great people and kids/teens/families, is because I didn't want to go back home.

I really hate being at home, more than anything right now.
So much so that sometimes I refer to it as 'house' rather than 'home'.
I dread being at home.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could go somewhere to escape, but there's nowhere to go. My bedroom is the size of a box, and I have the privacy of a flea...as unrelated as fleas are...I just wanted to write flea...can we all move on? Good.
I can't drive either. Well, I can, but not by myself.

Anyway, I feel slightly better, to have figured out the deep, dark root of my PMB, but also feel slightly worse to face the fact that I hate it here.

Begin to hope...

The Sword is Mightier than the Pen

Haha, I made this movie last year when I was bored, and my media teacher thought it was awesome!
He's only slightly delusional, but hey, what can you do?

Would you rather be able to turn invisible, or be able to fly?

I would definitely rather be able to fly.
While I would love to be able to turn invisible and do all sorts of cool things, I think I would end up in a big mess, I would abuse the power.
I was talking about that to someone who'd rather be able to turn invisible than fly, and they said "Yeah, it's not such a big problem for me 'cause I'm not a Christian."
I was talking to him again later, and he said that if you ever want to reach out to someone who's not a Christian, don't call them 'un-saved'. He's been to his sister's youth group a few times, and when he'd talk to people they'd say things like "Oh, so you're unsaved."
What the hell? It just turned him right off, as I'm sure it would turn off anyone who wasn't a Christian.
How would a Christian feel walking into a group of 'un-saved' people if they all said "Oh, so you're a Christian."?
I would hate it.
People are making too much of an 'us and them' of Christians and non Christians, and it's the opposite of effective.