09 April, 2011

Impossible Soul

This is one of my most flavourite songs at the moment. It's 25minutes long. I wish it was shorter because then I could listen to it more often. But I wish it was longer because it's my favourite!

Saw Sufjan early this year. He is a dream live. He apologised for the length of this song. Easily forgiven, really.

08 April, 2011



I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.

I didn't realise that life after depression would be hard. And maybe that's really naive of me, but I just figured that once I was free, I'd be free.

And I am 'free' of the depression and anxiety... But there's a lot that lingers.
I've only talked about this a few times, mostly in tears, which is ironic considering I'm talking about how I'm not sad any more. The lawls.

But there are so many patterns and habits I've gotten into over the past 6 or 7 years of my life, and they are d-i-f-f-i-c-u-l-t to break.

Depression stole my passions; when I was a young'un, I always wanted to be an artist, then I wanted to write, but I have always wanted to create things. During my teen years, I didn't really feel the same passion for it as I used to, but I kept doing it, because it was 'my thing'.

And now I'm on the other side of the mountain, and I don't know what my passions are. Do I really love all those things, or have I just been doing them because it's what I do? I'm not a very patient person, but I'm realising that this is going to take time.
At the moment I'm just continually overwhelmed with God's peace. So much peace, and joy. But mostly a stillness. And I'm okay with that. I'm so incredibly blessed with that, but beyond it, I just have no idea. No idea what my passions are, what God thinks I should do, what I think I should do.

But I'm stuck in a uni course that I'm not enjoying, and I'm not sure if that stems from my lack of study ability, or that I just don't enjoy those things like I used to.

I feel so far behind every person I know in terms of life skills I should have, but just don't. So many things I should have learned from my parents but didn't, so many areas where my depression held me back.

I want to go on a really long holiday. Sleep in the sunshine, and work on myself. I don't know if it's selfish or not, but I really want to focus on myself, and getting my life on track. I think that would ultimately be better for other people than if I keep running on empty.

I need to learn how to be responsible, how to manage myself, be reliable, how to be confident and make decisions. I realise a lot of those things can come with my personality, but to the debilitating extent of my shortcomings? No, I need to work on this.

AND another thing.
Totally unrelated.
But, there's been a lot of talk recently about the Gay community and whether they should be allowed marriages or not.
As a Christian, I suppose it's fairly expected that I would oppose this threat to the 'integrity of a marriage', but I just can't bring myself to oppose it. Not that I'm trying to.

Jesus calls us to love people. And I do, regardless of whatever, I love people. And I don't think that gay people are threatening the integrity of a marriage.
What is?
People in 'normal' marriages having affairs, getting divorced, marrying when they shouldn't, 'Vegas' on-the-spot marriages, abusing spouses or children, running away, violence.

I've seen marriages fall apart, I've seen the damage it does. I would be far more inclined to support gay marriages than those of people who really are abusing marriage.

And the voice I hear from the Christian community only seems to ostracise and place judgement on gay people. I'm also far more inclined to protect the integrity of a person, gay or otherwise, by loving them, than protecting the integrity of a marriage that us straight 'holy' people have all but destroyed.


also I love babies.

05 April, 2011


I confess that I am unable. That I need you to help me.

Yes, with all your flaws and imperfections. I know you will let me down, again and again, I know it. But so will I, you.

But I need you.

And I promise to be honest. I will tell you when I need you. When I cry for help, I will cry for help. There is no goodness in subtlety for such a thing as this.

I will not become silent, I will not drop hints, I will tell you, I need your help.

And please, when I say that, know that I mean it in earnest. And please, when I ask you, help me.