24 November, 2009

Still getting there...

I don't know how to do this.

I want to. I want to be there, I want to support you, I want to help you get better.

But I don't think I can. Things can never, never be as they were, and every time I think about that, it kills me a little more.

I don't want to fall back into that pattern, but it's likely that I will. I know that I will.

God help me. God, help me.

17 November, 2009

Convalescence/For a Friend

Intense things are going on. And I don't know how to deal with it. I sort of want to cry but can't be bothered? I feel all knotted. This is hot off the press, kids, so when I re-read this at some later date, the following lines of rhymes will be heavily edited.

They said things
I didn't want to believe about you
And usually, I'm naive
But I knew those things were true

They told me
That my rose-tinted goggles were bullshit
And usually, I believe the best
But now I see this for what it is

And I can't help but feel wasted
Like every effort and prayer was spent on nothing
And I question, every word and story
How much of it was just you bluffing?

How much of you is real?
When you said you loved me, did you mean that?
Because of every word I ever said to you
I would not take a single one back

I told you once that I wasn't doing this for time
I was doing it for love
And I wonder why you felt the need to lie to me
It's over my head, over and above

I don't know if I'm angry
Perhaps that will surface some other time
As it is, I'm replaying our every moment
Wondering what was real, and I'm stuck in this rewind

I can't define my emotions
They're all twisted inside
But I know my thoughts and choices
I know somehow that things will collide

I have felt sick all week
And I still do
Thinking about too much in doubt
Trying to know how to help you

I only feel cheated because
I would have taken all your pain
'Greater love hath no man'
But knowing now, it would have been in vain

People will be angry
Some of us will cry
You're going to be gossip's hot topic
Maybe you'll actually wish you were going to die

But please don't
Because although you said nothing you could prove
I sure that somehow, you're still the funny person I knew
And I really did mean it when I told you I loved you

You don't have to do anything
Be anything
See anything
Buy anything
Be anyone
My love is not conditional.

In a strange way
I'm actually a little bit hopeful
I'm looking forward to starting over
With no lies, no walls, no bull

It's happened before
And I'm pretty good at 'forgive and forget'
And I'd rather rebuild, restore, reclaim
Than move on, look back, and regret

I will be here
I will stand for you
I'm so upset, yes
But I'm looking forward to something solid, something true

You were hurting
And you hurt us
And while we're spinning in confusion, while we're convalescing
Let's re-learn this thing called trust.

15 October, 2009


I am participating in National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo. It is a month of reckless writing abandon, in which the 'novelist' must produce a novel of 50, 000 words or more.
The website says it's about 'quantity, not quality' which is nice, and not nice. Nice to take off the pressure, but who is going to be spewing out a whole lot of literary crap next month? Oh, me.

I'm not sure yet what to write about. I do have lots of story ideas, but I like those ideas, and don't really wish to, er, bastardise them in NaNoWriMo. I may open up another blog and post the finished story there, or progress chapters or something. I may not. Just depends on how embarrassing the 'quantity' ends up being.

So while all those men are doing 'Movember' and trying to look all manly, I'm gonna be holed up in my room (like usual) trying to get out approximately 1666.6666666666666666666666666667 words a day. Which surely shouldn't be that hard but I know I'll put it off. A lot.

Note: Someone else should join in to! What ridiculous fun.

Catch ya on the flip side,
(That's my username XD)

Blog Action Day '09 - Climate Change.

Arrrgh! It's here, it's here, Blog Action Day and I completely forgot to even think about it! So now instead of a well thought out and possibly researched post, I'm going to have to serve up some barely passable drivel that's hardly any form of 'action'. The only action here is my frantic inner state of panic, and also I'm squirming in my chair because I need to go to the toilet. Imma get onto that.

I'm back. I took my phone with me and read FanFiction on it. Yeah that's right; I'm a multi-tasker, ain't no toilet gon' steal my precious time. It makes up for long hours spent procrastinating (barely).

Climate Cgange. Cahnge. Change. (Thank you)
To be honest, I don't really care all that much about climate change. Perhaps I should, but I don't. I don't really know all that much about it, and maybe that's why it isn't a very interesting topic to me. I suppose, if I want to care about it, I should try and learn more, but it's really hard to find the motivation to do that. I can't force myself to be passionate about something, but it wouldn't hurt to learn. I suppose. I, I, I, my, my, my, me, me, me.

Is this our problem? Of course it is, it's everyone's problem for everything. This 'me-first!' culture. Of course we all think the world revolves around us, we are our most important person. Without ourselves we couldn't be. But everyone is so determined to 'go after their dreams' to 'find themselves' to be satisfied, gratified. To go first, to be first, to be someone. To indulge. To have an adventure. To be unique.
I'm exactly like this too. And not all of those things are bad, but where is self-in-moderation? Humans are selfish, and imperfect, that's why there are wars, famine, people on the streets, heartbreak, Tom Cruise, iPods, iPhones, iSnack 2.frackingzero. Climate Change.

People are too selfish to want to change their comfortable lifestyles and somehow 'reverse' the 'damage'.

I don't think I'll write much more. What I've written so far is barely coherent as it is.

But I'm all for looking after the World. It's our 'job' y'know? Perhaps I should learn to respect it before I go prattling on (like a prat) about people being selfish.

15 September, 2009

If laying down your life for another is selfless. If 'greater love hath no man than this', then, is it rendered a selfish act if the person dying in the place of someone else wanted to end their own life anyway?

04 August, 2009

Coming soon...


Directed by Emily Wood.

"Amazing. 5 stars..."
-Emily Wood

"Wood has surpassed her previous work yet again; a must-see-read-experience blog. Quote, quote, quote."
-Oscar Wilde*

"...What the f**k? Where am I?"
-That Guy*†

... to an internets near you.

May be false.
†May be on crack.

14 April, 2009

A "conversation"...

...with a small group girl, whilst I put off actually writing blogs that would require effort of thought.

miss_ellie says:

Emily says:

miss_ellie says:

Emily says:

miss_ellie says:

Emily says:
purple. poiple?

miss_ellie says:

Emily says:
orange. owange

miss_ellie says:
brown. bown.

Emily said (8:52 PM):

miss_ellie says:
blue. brue. beu. bleu

Emily said (8:53 PM):

miss_ellie says:
white. wite. kite.

Emily says:
i like to fly a kite. in the white. of the summer clouds.

miss_ellie says:
lets try and make up little stories, rhyming.

Emily said (8:57 PM):

miss_ellie says:
you start.

Emily said (8:59 PM):
Uhhhm no you start!

miss_ellie says:
i love the summer breeze in my hair,
and when im flying my kite i just dont care,
the laughter of emily fills the air,
and oh, all her troubles i could bare.

Emily said (9:12 PM):
and then i smile back at ellie
she's just showered so she isn't smelly!
we finished flying the kite and heard a rumble of the belly
time to go inside and eat lots of green jelly

miss_ellie says:
we go inside and eat it all.
and as it digests, we grow very tall.
as the sunsets we sit on the wall,
and like humpty dumpty, we tumble and fall

Emily said (9:17 PM):
but the grass is soft and we have no scars
the sky starts to darken so we study the stars
wishing we could catch them and keep them in jars
and wondering which of those bright lights is mars

miss_ellie says:
with the story still flowing,
and the stars start snowing,
inside my head, how lucky i am knowing
that emily will always be there, toeing.

Emily said (9:23 PM):
and I smile, wondering what 'toeing' could mean
it conjures up visions I've never yet imagined or seen
that are nevertheless hilarious and queen
(queen's my new word, you see, it means 'awesome' in Teen)

...To be continued.

What I don't understand is, why did MSN start time-stamping my posts?

07 April, 2009

Nobody Here

I stumbled across this website (nobodyhere.com) not too long ago... it's pointless, really. You just seem to click links in and endless loop of sad yet humuorous observational pages made by a person I don't know.

But I enjoy it when I have free hours to waste spend.

17 January, 2009

Beach Mission '09

Here we go: Beach Mission '09. I can't sum it up quickly; it was probably the best and most bittersweet, longest yet quickest, and most different mission I've ever done.

Section 12:
So it all started post-mission 2008, when Craig was talking to me about section 12 and I knew where the conversation headed, what he was going to ask me, and what I was going to reply. He asked me to be on the section 12 core team, and though I didn't much want to leave section 6, the thought of helping to start something new was exciting, and it was one of those things that you just know you are meant to do.
I still did wrestle a lot with the idea. I had done seven beach missions at section 6; I know the people, I know the team, I have spent nearly half of my summers there.

This year I was part of the core team, or 'hub' as some call it. The area that I looked after was team life, and I like to think that I was successful. Because our team life was pretty swell.
Being a hub member involved pre-mission meetings, getting up earlier on mission for more meetings, delegating tasks (the best bit), trying to be role-model-ishly responsible, making announcements, and crazy dancing.
I only had really one day with a full siesta while on section 12, just because there were always things to do and organise. Next year though I plan on being more prepared and having my siesta thankyouverymuch.

Going on both sections:
I definitely loved getting the best of both worlds. I hadn't been planning on joining section 6, but I'm glad things worked out the way they did because I had much fun and got to see the section 6 program.

Matt Waters Owns Josh:
A group of us are standing around one night and Josh makes a comment about 'guy' who likes 'girl', and 'girl' has boyfriend, so 'guy' should back off.
Matt says:
"Josh, last year you were trying to pick up my sister and she had a boyfriend. You're a tool."
Oh, it was pure gold.

Section 12's team life:
I don't think I've ever worked with such a unified team. There were next to no conflicts, and everyone got along with everyone else, it was brilliant.

Section 6 Beach Party:
I danced to the Backstreet Boys, whilst wearing socks with my sandals, what more can I say?

Dave B gets his gansta on:
On section 12 one day it was Dave Burt, Boots, and me on the Memory Verse, and we did a gangster rap. Oh the hilarity, becausewearethethreemostganstapeopleonmission. Not.

Going home to fail my license test was a bummer. But I'm still a pretty wicked driver. But I think it may be the very first thing I've failed in my life that I actually tried at. Short of trying and failing to catch a ball, which hardly counts.
I had been planning on not telling anyone when my test was, in case I failed it, so I was going to change the day to not-the-day-after-mission. But people were all 'no do your test!' so that worked out well after not driving for two weeks and being super tired. Not.

Section 12 Cooks:
Probably the only low point from section 12. It wasn't really the cooks that were the lowlight, more the fact that I'm used to my mum being the cook and the kitchen tent being like a second home. Our cooks were not only not my mother but also very strict and uptight compared to what I was used to, which was just weird.

Comparison - Section 6 & 12:
I lurved getting to go on both sections; they were both awesome but in totally different ways.
Section 12 was fantastic, we had a really great team and the atmosphere was always fun and relaxed. The program, though, was lacking and scattered. It was good, but there were a lot of new people, plus the mission has only been running again for two years now so we don't have as much resources or materials that a lot of us are used to. (aka section 6 doesn't share. OUCH. kidding)

Section 6 had a schmrilliant program I thought! It was very very good and there were soooo many people who came along. The quality of what I saw was just great. The atmosphere was different to section 12 though. It wasn't bad or negative, it was just such a massive contrast to go from a team on such a high to one that was not as high. On drugs. (N).
People seemed more tired at section 6, which is understandable because of the length, and it may just be my way of adding drama to everything, but the atmosphere sometimes even felt a little tense. Although I did hear about quite a lot of tension between different team members.

It looks like I'm on for section 12 in 2010 again, which is still bittersweet. But I'm looking forward to gettin' some meetin'*s on.

*that apostrophe is not misplaced.

Rhymability. And Not So.

Some messages that were saved as drafts in my phone:

What hackneyed phrase is this;
That ignorance is bliss?
But, oh, what wouldn't I give,
For that state of 'love to live'?
Why be in the deep to drown,
When the shallow can just walk on out?


This is something I wrote throughout the year after beach mission '08.

You linger in the half-light,
And something is writ
By the sea side.
And all we have is our half-minds.


John Marsden,
Your book 'Everything I Know About Writing' has been very useful. I used it to swat a mosquito. I missed. But I'm quite sure I'll kill him one day.


Ivy, Avery, Violet, Esther, Estelle, Micha, Noah.




If it's going to destroy my life to have you remember me,
I'd rather be forgotten.




But I'll tell you, I wasn't expecting this;
I wasn't expecting bliss.


*These are both words that I or someone else tried to spell, but clearly didn't work. I'm not sure what the actual words are meant to be.

There, Benchong. I blogged 3 times in a day, you owe me 5. GetOnIt.


I think that I'm very nearly ready to let go, ready to forgive. There's no way I can forget, it's who I am now, it's my life. But I can forgive. You no longer owe me. I accept the fact that though I long to hate you, I can't. I accept that you weren't all bad; you couldn't have been, no one is. I accept the fact that you were a person who loved other people, and I accept that other people loved you. And I accept the fact that your one downfall, your weakness and failure has ruined my life in so many ways, but made so many other parts of it stronger. I accept these things, and I no longer harbour the bitterness and resentment. I no longer wish bad things upon you. What you did was wrong, and you know that, but there is no productivity in hating you from afar.

So. With all this said. I forgive you.


I wrote this a long time ago now. I will most likely never explain it. Not here at least.

Beach Mission '09 - The Prelude

Not quite ready to blog about mission yet. It was all such a quick blur that I am still sorting things out in my head.

But here is a short poem while we wait:

Black Booger, Black Booger,
Sitting in my nose.
Black Booger, Black Booger,
Tissues are your foes.

Black Booger, Black Booger,
So satisfying to pick,
Black Booger, Black Booger,
But not quite so to lick.*

Black Booger, Black Booger,
It's bitter-sweet to say goodbye.
But Black Booger, Black Booger,
To say I miss you would be a lie.

*Not that I've tried... but I can't imagine it being very tasty.

03 January, 2009


Just to let you know,
A Peninsula SUFM blog has been set up at http://psufm.blogspot.com/

The blog will let you know everything that's going on, with some pictures and prayer requests as well.

Go have a look, subscribe via email, and don't forget to tell your friends about the blog and visitor's day!