Thoughts.

Thoughts.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.

I didn't realise that life after depression would be hard. And maybe that's really naive of me, but I just figured that once I was free, I'd be free.

And I am 'free' of the depression and anxiety... But there's a lot that lingers.
I've only talked about this a few times, mostly in tears, which is ironic considering I'm talking about how I'm not sad any more. The lawls.

But there are so many patterns and habits I've gotten into over the past 6 or 7 years of my life, and they are d-i-f-f-i-c-u-l-t to break.

Depression stole my passions; when I was a young'un, I always wanted to be an artist, then I wanted to write, but I have always wanted to create things. During my teen years, I didn't really feel the same passion for it as I used to, but I kept doing it, because it was 'my thing'.

And now I'm on the other side of the mountain, and I don't know what my passions are. Do I really love all those things, or have I just been doing them because it's what I do? I'm not a very patient person, but I'm realising that this is going to take time.

At the moment I'm just continually overwhelmed with God's peace. So much peace, and joy. But mostly a stillness. And I'm okay with that. I'm so incredibly blessed with that, but beyond it, I just have no idea. No idea what my passions are, what God thinks I should do, what I think I should do.

But I'm stuck in a uni course that I'm not enjoying, and I'm not sure if that stems from my lack of study ability, or that I just don't enjoy those things like I used to.

I feel so far behind every person I know in terms of life skills I should have, but just don't. So many things I should have learned from my parents but didn't, so many areas where my depression held me back.

I want to go on a really long holiday. Sleep in the sunshine, and work on myself. I don't know if it's selfish or not, but I really want to focus on myself, and getting my life on track. I think that would ultimately be better for other people than if I keep running on empty.

I need to learn how to be responsible, how to manage myself, be reliable, how to be confident and make decisions. I realise a lot of those things can come with my personality, but to the debilitating extent of my shortcomings? No, I need to work on this.

AND another thing.

Totally unrelated.

But, there's been a lot of talk recently about the Gay community and whether they should be allowed marriages or not.

As a Christian, I suppose it's fairly expected that I would oppose this threat to the 'integrity of a marriage', but I just can't bring myself to oppose it. Not that I'm trying to.

Jesus calls us to love people. And I do, regardless of whatever, I love people. And I don't think that gay people are threatening the integrity of a marriage.

What is?

People in 'normal' marriages having affairs, getting divorced, marrying when they shouldn't, 'Vegas' on-the-spot marriages, abusing spouses or children, running away, violence.

I've seen marriages fall apart, I've seen the damage it does. I would be far more inclined to support gay marriages than those of people who really are abusing marriage.

And the voice I hear from the Christian community only seems to ostracise and place judgement on gay people. I'm also far more inclined to protect the integrity of a person, gay or otherwise, by loving them, than protecting the integrity of a marriage that us straight 'holy' people have all but destroyed.

/rant

UPDATE

also I love babies.

חופש | Made It Through

So this has been a long time coming, and really only scratches the surface...
I want to share an incredible story of God's goodness in my life.

After the church of my childhood turned out to be, effectively, a cult and a 'den of thieves', my family and all I had ever known fell to pieces. For almost all of my teenage years I suffered with undiagnosed and untreated depression, fear, and anxiety, not to mention the slew of trust and intimacy issues that came with finding out your world had been a lie.

For anyone who has, or is suffering the same, I trust you know the darkness and hopelessness that is depression. Being under that cloud for so many years nearly killed me on a number of occasions.
And I say 'nearly killed me' as if I had no control over it, because I didn't. Yes, there are often times during depressive states when you can try and change your mindset or mood, but as a whole, depression for me was not a choice, and not something I had control over. I experienced moments of real fear with the thought that, through suicide, depression might actually kill me. I didn't want to die, I never had the intention to kill myself. But living had become so unbearable, that unless something changed, and soon, death would have seemed like my only option.

I knew Jesus throughout all of this. I grew up in church, I've been in relationship with Jesus for as long as I can remember. The hope of Christ is probably the only thing that pulled me through some of the darkest moments.

Nevertheless, my faith and salvation didn't cure my mental illness. In many ways it made it harder; to accept Jesus' love and mercy, and yet be so influenced and controlled by something not of Heaven was impossible to reconcile.

Last year a bunch of the other youth leaders started up a prayer group on Sunday mornings for the weeks leading up to our mid year youth camp, to seek God, seek His heart, and intercede for our youth.
We have continued these prayer meetings since, and one particular morning, I remember walking to church, struggling with depressive thoughts and absolute apathy; everyone else seemed to have this focus on and connection with God that I just couldn't grasp, everyone had a passion that I didn't. Indeed I hadn't felt truly passionate about anything for years.

That morning, I decided that I'd had enough. I cried out to God,
"God, I want you, I need you. I want you more than this depression wants me, I want you more than the devil wants me to fail, I want you, Lord."
I also decided that despite my lack of passion and positive emotion, God was more important. Whether or not I could 'feel' him, I was going to follow him, and serve him, wholeheartedly. Perhaps I couldn't choose whether or not to be depressed, but I could still choose to follow God.

That morning at prayer group, I shared my cry to God with the other youth leaders gathered, and made my declaration to God in front of them, and a vow of sorts, that even though I often feel held back, and don't always feel God as others do, I will still seek him, I will still praise him, for he is greater than any Earthly mindset or affliction.

There is something powerful about prayer, and especially powerful about praying together, and declaring things of Heaven that aren't as though they are.

Since that morning, I have been on a journey, and I'm now at a place where I can declare that I am healed, I am free.

I no longer have depression, I'm no longer held captive of the devil or of my mind, but I am set free in Christ. I am no longer dying in the darkness, but living in the glorious light of Jesus. Life is wonderful. I know real joy. And even when life doesn't work the way I want it to, as Paul says in Philippians 4:11 'I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.'
Praise God.

At C3W I've found a place of true love and friendships, and a place I can call home in Jesus. Thank you, for being a church that pursues Jesus' freedom, and for being a safe haven during my convalescence.

To others suffering depression, I say this:
Hold on. Hold on to God, hold on to hope. There is healing in the name and power of Jesus. Do not be discouraged. I am testament to the fact that, it may take years, but healing comes, and it is so worth holding on to life. There is joy on the other side of that mountain. Real, pure joy.
God is still there, God is still good. It may be difficult, but trust him, lean into him, and he will help you through. Depression leads you down dark roads, but at every fork we come to there is a choice: life or death. God always provides life. He sets before us life and death, choose life. Choose Jesus, choose hope, and always, always choose life.
I pray that your journey will take the road to joy much sooner than mine did.

Convalescence/For a Friend

Intense things are going on. And I don't know how to deal with it. I sort of want to cry but can't be bothered? I feel all knotted. This is hot off the press, kids, so when I re-read this at some later date, the following lines of rhymes will be heavily edited.


-
They said things
I didn't want to believe about you
And usually, I'm naive
But I knew those things were true

They told me
That my rose-tinted goggles were bullshit
And usually, I believe the best
But now I see this for what it is

And I can't help but feel wasted
Like every effort and prayer was spent on nothing
And I question, every word and story
How much of it was just you bluffing?

How much of you is real?
When you said you loved me, did you mean that?
Because of every word I ever said to you
I would not take a single one back

I told you once that I wasn't doing this for time
I was doing it for love
And I wonder why you felt the need to lie to me
It's over my head, over and above

I don't know if I'm angry
Perhaps that will surface some other time
As it is, I'm replaying our every moment
Wondering what was real, and I'm stuck in this rewind

I can't define my emotions
They're all twisted inside
But I know my thoughts and choices
I know somehow that things will collide

I have felt sick all week
And I still do
Thinking about too much in doubt
Trying to know how to help you

I only feel cheated because
I would have taken all your pain
'Greater love hath no man'
But knowing now, it would have been in vain

People will be angry
Some of us will cry
You're going to be gossip's hot topic
Maybe you'll actually wish you were going to die

But please don't
Because although you said nothing you could prove
I sure that somehow, you're still the funny person I knew
And I really did mean it when I told you I loved you

You don't have to do anything
Be anything
See anything
Buy anything
Be anyone
My love is not conditional.

In a strange way
I'm actually a little bit hopeful
I'm looking forward to starting over
With no lies, no walls, no bull

It's happened before
And I'm pretty good at 'forgive and forget'
And I'd rather rebuild, restore, reclaim
Than move on, look back, and regret

I will be here
I will stand for you
I'm so upset, yes
But I'm looking forward to something solid, something true

You were hurting
And you hurt us
And while we're spinning in confusion, while we're convalescing
Let's re-learn this thing called trust.

I've been going to 'Pentecostal' churches for pretty much my whole life.
One corrupt and super dodgy. The other awesome, so far.
I've visited plenty of other churches.

When I was younger I didn't really know about different 'types' of churches, and I just thought that non-Pentecostal churches weren't as passionate, weren't as 'in' to Christianity as we were.

I certainly don't think this now.


But I'm sorry,
for my naivety.

While I procrastinate.

"Australian-Asian" takes a long time to say, but you can't shorten it to "Australasian" because Australasia is already a thing.

And "Ausian" is too strange a word for people to pronounce universally.