חופש | Made It Through

So this has been a long time coming, and really only scratches the surface...
I want to share an incredible story of God's goodness in my life.

After the church of my childhood turned out to be, effectively, a cult and a 'den of thieves', my family and all I had ever known fell to pieces. For almost all of my teenage years I suffered with undiagnosed and untreated depression, fear, and anxiety, not to mention the slew of trust and intimacy issues that came with finding out your world had been a lie.

For anyone who has, or is suffering the same, I trust you know the darkness and hopelessness that is depression. Being under that cloud for so many years nearly killed me on a number of occasions.
And I say 'nearly killed me' as if I had no control over it, because I didn't. Yes, there are often times during depressive states when you can try and change your mindset or mood, but as a whole, depression for me was not a choice, and not something I had control over. I experienced moments of real fear with the thought that, through suicide, depression might actually kill me. I didn't want to die, I never had the intention to kill myself. But living had become so unbearable, that unless something changed, and soon, death would have seemed like my only option.

I knew Jesus throughout all of this. I grew up in church, I've been in relationship with Jesus for as long as I can remember. The hope of Christ is probably the only thing that pulled me through some of the darkest moments.

Nevertheless, my faith and salvation didn't cure my mental illness. In many ways it made it harder; to accept Jesus' love and mercy, and yet be so influenced and controlled by something not of Heaven was impossible to reconcile.

Last year a bunch of the other youth leaders started up a prayer group on Sunday mornings for the weeks leading up to our mid year youth camp, to seek God, seek His heart, and intercede for our youth.
We have continued these prayer meetings since, and one particular morning, I remember walking to church, struggling with depressive thoughts and absolute apathy; everyone else seemed to have this focus on and connection with God that I just couldn't grasp, everyone had a passion that I didn't. Indeed I hadn't felt truly passionate about anything for years.

That morning, I decided that I'd had enough. I cried out to God,
"God, I want you, I need you. I want you more than this depression wants me, I want you more than the devil wants me to fail, I want you, Lord."
I also decided that despite my lack of passion and positive emotion, God was more important. Whether or not I could 'feel' him, I was going to follow him, and serve him, wholeheartedly. Perhaps I couldn't choose whether or not to be depressed, but I could still choose to follow God.

That morning at prayer group, I shared my cry to God with the other youth leaders gathered, and made my declaration to God in front of them, and a vow of sorts, that even though I often feel held back, and don't always feel God as others do, I will still seek him, I will still praise him, for he is greater than any Earthly mindset or affliction.

There is something powerful about prayer, and especially powerful about praying together, and declaring things of Heaven that aren't as though they are.

Since that morning, I have been on a journey, and I'm now at a place where I can declare that I am healed, I am free.

I no longer have depression, I'm no longer held captive of the devil or of my mind, but I am set free in Christ. I am no longer dying in the darkness, but living in the glorious light of Jesus. Life is wonderful. I know real joy. And even when life doesn't work the way I want it to, as Paul says in Philippians 4:11 'I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.'
Praise God.

At C3W I've found a place of true love and friendships, and a place I can call home in Jesus. Thank you, for being a church that pursues Jesus' freedom, and for being a safe haven during my convalescence.

To others suffering depression, I say this:
Hold on. Hold on to God, hold on to hope. There is healing in the name and power of Jesus. Do not be discouraged. I am testament to the fact that, it may take years, but healing comes, and it is so worth holding on to life. There is joy on the other side of that mountain. Real, pure joy.
God is still there, God is still good. It may be difficult, but trust him, lean into him, and he will help you through. Depression leads you down dark roads, but at every fork we come to there is a choice: life or death. God always provides life. He sets before us life and death, choose life. Choose Jesus, choose hope, and always, always choose life.
I pray that your journey will take the road to joy much sooner than mine did.

A Few of my Favourite Things 1

And by 'A Few' I mean 'a list of ten'. Here are some of my favourite things! Paying homage to The Sound of Music, of course, though none of the 'things' from that particular song have made it into this list.

1. Museli* Bars
An indulgence of mine. I just love museli bars. I hated them in primary school, because the other kids had chips and LCM's, and I would look down at my bland, hard-to-chew snack of sticky grains and scarce scatters of dried fruit, and resent the long rectangle that fit so easily in my hand, but not in my heart. But these days, my heart has an oblong dent that only a museli bar can fit in snugly, and these days (like today) I sometimes go through a packet a day at work. Of 12, not 6.
My top flavours though, would have to be:
-Yoghurt Topped: Strawberry, Apricot
-Choc-coated honeycomb.


-Raspberry is good like strawberry. I like red fruit.

*I spell muesli 'museli' because of the way my American cousin pronounces it. It has become a predisposition I can not rid myself of.


2. Notebooks
Oh, man. Pretty notebooks.

I like to collect them and then just stare at the cover, wondering what I will fill them with.
I rarely fill them, though, because I'm too afraid to ruin the prettiness with my atrocious handwriting.
The notebooks I do fill, are generally Spirax A5 notebooks. Handy and not-ugly. And many colours for various things, but not pretty or expensive enough to be concerned about ruining.
I have just now said the following to someone on MSN, to whom I had previously sent the above link by accident:

εmilγ- says:
http://www.lasoo.com.au/offer/office-supplies/spirax-a5-hard-covered-notebook-red/4fxctumc6.html?source=brand&startNo=16&pageopt=spirax
εmilγ- says:
ok srsly
εmilγ- says:
disregard that

3. Music. Duh.
I don't think anyone could not have music as a 'favourite thing', though I have heard that such people exist. I don't have a particular favourite genre, but I do like a bit of indie-folk-rock-pop-electronic-acoustic-ambient-souuul music. To be exact.
One of my all-time favourites is one Mr. Sufjan Stevens:

-Isn't he dreamy?

Lyrically and musically amazing.

Look forward to more favourites!

This week in the milky way...

Catch up with your favourite interplanetary characters, Daaa-vid and Em! Featuring Ben Chong!

This week we look into electorate issues, the tourism industry, strange flues and their cures, and Tasmania...

(white noise)

(found signal)

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

David says:

scooby?

Emily - says:

dooby doo?

David says:

where are you?

Emily - says:

jupiter, naturally.

David says:

oh, i was there this afternoon. the weather was much better there

Emily - says:

yeah it's nice this time of year

David says:

and the food is so cheep cause the jupiterites don't eat it

Emily - says:

and that big spot thing is a great tourist attraction, it's amazing to see close up.

David says:

true, but it's got all commercial now. to see true jupiterite culture you have to go to the other side and hire a bike

Emily - says:

true that. me and my travelling buddy were going to try that out last time we went to jupiter, but she came down with a bad case of that horrible jupiter flu thing, forget what it's called, nasty though.

David says:

yeah nasty that. my friend once had it for a week. got so delerous he thought he was a tonka truck

Emily - says:

oooh, that must have been hard to handle.

David says:

yeah, he kept making us push him around the sand pit making engine noises.

Emily - says:

ha, bet you got a lot of strange looks. how'd you cure it? the usual? or was it one of those new fancy trial things?

David says:

just the usual, we ran his head under cold water while the temptations played and the reinacted his favourate moment from disneys snow white

Emily - says:

ahhh yeah. snow white eh? that's an unusual one, that. usually it's sleeping beauty or cinderella. i've heard the rarest one is beauty and the beast. snow white is still pretty rare though. apparently the snow white ones lose thier eyelashes after treatment. did your friend lose his? they're ment to be valuable.

David says:

no, he did have eyelashes to begin with. that is why we chose snow white. they loose their eyelashes, but it's fastest

Emily - says:

i see..

David says:

how did you cure your friend? or did it not get past the scaring it out of them stage?

Emily - says:

you know I didn't really end up finding out. thruth is we had a bad argument just before she got sick. she was so sick they had to send her to one of the moons for treatment. it was one of those new trial things so i think she got paid for it. she mentioned something about it not hurting and something about bathing in liquid carbon dioxide. but i haven't, er, really spoken to her for long since.

David says:

was that the trial that got shut down cause, will curing the patients, after a week they all turned into cumquats?

Emily - says:

nah, that was the one with the anti matter. i think that was the moon on the other side. very eccentric scientists and doctors over that part.

David says:

well you can't help but be a little eccentric when you have two head and are constantly break dancing. Did they ever figure out how to fix the gravity on the side?

Emily - says:

haha, no. they just sort of tried to cover it up. didn't do a bad job either. turned it into some sort of amusement park type thing. it fuels half their funding.

David says:

i'd think so, you can get some mad head spins when you have two

Emily - says:

yeah, bet the tasmanians would have the time of their lives! if they could afford a trip to jupiter... or anywhere for that matter... unfortunate really, poor things.

David says:

(much laughter!) yeah, they tried to get an appeal going for that, but it never got off the ground. i don't think they should have used an exercution as the main attraction

Emily - says:

indeed. they really don't get it do they? I do feel kinda sorry for them though, I mean, it's not ALL their fault. the interplanetary goals and needs assosciation and fund really screwed them over

David says:

i know, when we all got a big bag with a dollar sign on it. they got a potato chip.

Emily - says:

poor little fellas... oh well, not like we can do much. ben chong's had a hard enough time just getting 'tassie aid' off the ground. there's a lot of red tape to get though. Africa was easy compared to this. how about that though? who would have thought that the very first interplanetary minister/adjudicator/whatever they're called would have been from earth! and african at that, and ben chong personally sponsered him when he was a child! I mean, talk about climbing the ranks!

David says:

and you know he feels for the tasmanians. just think of the quote after he visited hobart, "i know my mother was eaten my a hippo when i was 6, and my brother tryed to kill me for food till i was 15, but you tasmanians have it truly hard"

Emily - says:

that went down in history, that quote! famous.

David says:

i think it may have been that quote that won him the election

Emily - says:

yeah. good bloke, really. i'm glad that slimy looking guy from pluto didn't win. didn't like the looks of him, he was all shifty and suspicious.

David says:

and i didn't believe for a second that those photos of him kicking puppies with interglatic mob bosses were doctored. he just got busted!

Emily - says:

pretty much. i know a photoshopped image when i see one, and THAT was real. VERY real. you know, they tried to pay me out to keep it hush hush when I was called in to study the image. i think that pretty much proves it, speaks for itself. haha, should've taken the pay out though and said it was a fake. they offered a LOT of money. and meteor points as well, being the avid fan that i am. but oh well, i couldn't really. lie to the whole galaxy? i just couldn't.

David says:

you could have taken the money, then refuse to release a statement. then put the money towards tassie aid

Emily - says:

yeah i suppose, but if i refused to tell the public that the photo was faked then i'd pretty much be on bad terms with all of pluto. which i suppose doesn't seem that bad, but they're pretty vicious, plutonians. i think they're bitter about the whole not-being-a-planet-anymore thing. pretty proud creatures they were.

David says:

yeah, they sure took that hard. they didn't talk to anyone for a month. (that's a pluto month, which is like 5 years). Then they introduced the plutonian club card making it well imbarassing to visit pluto with out one. the plutonains in tourism did not like that (not that the plutonian tourst trade was that big).

definatly not a race you want ticked off at you.

Emily - says:

yeah. i told the minister to keep the photo of the dog kicking as quiet as possible. the plutionians already knew i was inspecting it and I didn't want them all angry if it was made really public. glad he kept it quiet in the end. good man. didn't defame his opponent just to win an election. he had it in the bag though really. OH gotta go! out.

David says:

Em, you are much fun! we must do this more

Emily - says:

ahh, indeed, i think it is a best way of conversing.

Emily - says:

over and out!

David says:

over and out!

END TRANSMISSION
(lost signal)
(white noise)

Tune in next time to see what wacky adventures our funny little bloggers get up to!


P.S. Best conversation ever? Or did you really have to be there?

P.P.S. I'll blog about Tasmania for REAL soon, too much procrastination has been going on, but now it's holidays.

P.P.P.S. Happy Easter and stuff, kiddies!

P.P.P.P.S. Hey Jesus, thanks for dying for us and everything... I mean, it sounds like I'm joking right now, but I'm not... I could write something that sounds more meaningful, but I don't think mere English words, as powerful as they can be, could ever repay what did for all of us. Ta, buddy.

Title

So. I need to post something that isn't me ranting. Here is a poem I wrote last year! It should win all kinds of prizes.


Pick me up in your arms,
Tell me you love me.
Tell me we're safe,
We're safe from the mung beans.




/END

Awesome