חופש | Made It Through

So this has been a long time coming, and really only scratches the surface...
I want to share an incredible story of God's goodness in my life.

After the church of my childhood turned out to be, effectively, a cult and a 'den of thieves', my family and all I had ever known fell to pieces. For almost all of my teenage years I suffered with undiagnosed and untreated depression, fear, and anxiety, not to mention the slew of trust and intimacy issues that came with finding out your world had been a lie.

For anyone who has, or is suffering the same, I trust you know the darkness and hopelessness that is depression. Being under that cloud for so many years nearly killed me on a number of occasions.
And I say 'nearly killed me' as if I had no control over it, because I didn't. Yes, there are often times during depressive states when you can try and change your mindset or mood, but as a whole, depression for me was not a choice, and not something I had control over. I experienced moments of real fear with the thought that, through suicide, depression might actually kill me. I didn't want to die, I never had the intention to kill myself. But living had become so unbearable, that unless something changed, and soon, death would have seemed like my only option.

I knew Jesus throughout all of this. I grew up in church, I've been in relationship with Jesus for as long as I can remember. The hope of Christ is probably the only thing that pulled me through some of the darkest moments.

Nevertheless, my faith and salvation didn't cure my mental illness. In many ways it made it harder; to accept Jesus' love and mercy, and yet be so influenced and controlled by something not of Heaven was impossible to reconcile.

Last year a bunch of the other youth leaders started up a prayer group on Sunday mornings for the weeks leading up to our mid year youth camp, to seek God, seek His heart, and intercede for our youth.
We have continued these prayer meetings since, and one particular morning, I remember walking to church, struggling with depressive thoughts and absolute apathy; everyone else seemed to have this focus on and connection with God that I just couldn't grasp, everyone had a passion that I didn't. Indeed I hadn't felt truly passionate about anything for years.

That morning, I decided that I'd had enough. I cried out to God,
"God, I want you, I need you. I want you more than this depression wants me, I want you more than the devil wants me to fail, I want you, Lord."
I also decided that despite my lack of passion and positive emotion, God was more important. Whether or not I could 'feel' him, I was going to follow him, and serve him, wholeheartedly. Perhaps I couldn't choose whether or not to be depressed, but I could still choose to follow God.

That morning at prayer group, I shared my cry to God with the other youth leaders gathered, and made my declaration to God in front of them, and a vow of sorts, that even though I often feel held back, and don't always feel God as others do, I will still seek him, I will still praise him, for he is greater than any Earthly mindset or affliction.

There is something powerful about prayer, and especially powerful about praying together, and declaring things of Heaven that aren't as though they are.

Since that morning, I have been on a journey, and I'm now at a place where I can declare that I am healed, I am free.

I no longer have depression, I'm no longer held captive of the devil or of my mind, but I am set free in Christ. I am no longer dying in the darkness, but living in the glorious light of Jesus. Life is wonderful. I know real joy. And even when life doesn't work the way I want it to, as Paul says in Philippians 4:11 'I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.'
Praise God.

At C3W I've found a place of true love and friendships, and a place I can call home in Jesus. Thank you, for being a church that pursues Jesus' freedom, and for being a safe haven during my convalescence.

To others suffering depression, I say this:
Hold on. Hold on to God, hold on to hope. There is healing in the name and power of Jesus. Do not be discouraged. I am testament to the fact that, it may take years, but healing comes, and it is so worth holding on to life. There is joy on the other side of that mountain. Real, pure joy.
God is still there, God is still good. It may be difficult, but trust him, lean into him, and he will help you through. Depression leads you down dark roads, but at every fork we come to there is a choice: life or death. God always provides life. He sets before us life and death, choose life. Choose Jesus, choose hope, and always, always choose life.
I pray that your journey will take the road to joy much sooner than mine did.

I've been going to 'Pentecostal' churches for pretty much my whole life.
One corrupt and super dodgy. The other awesome, so far.
I've visited plenty of other churches.

When I was younger I didn't really know about different 'types' of churches, and I just thought that non-Pentecostal churches weren't as passionate, weren't as 'in' to Christianity as we were.

I certainly don't think this now.


But I'm sorry,
for my naivety.

One Day

Woo. Last night I was in the city for 'One Day' which is some worship concert thing... anyway, our 'Xtreme Youth' band played for an hour and a half, which was fun. I sing, for those of you playing at home, and Josh drums.

'Twas a hoot, if I do say so myself, especially since I wasn't really in the mood. We didn't sound really fantastic though, I think we had too many singers, and we hadn't done levels or anything, and we didn't know who was doing what harmonies and such... there were some strange harmonies in there... also apparently only one of the guitars could be heard and there were four I think.

Haha, at one time, this dude came on stage, he was holding a bowling ball and a little tin kettle, and was posing with them. I think he was trying to take the piss out of us, but I found it funny. Some guys had to drag him offstage. Should I have been angry or offended? I decide no. If I should've been, I wasn't and I'm not. It was just amusing.

Hmm, when we finished playing/worshiping, the host came on stage and got everyone to pray for the city of Melbourne. I must say, I felt like a 'kooky Christian' at that point. I can imagine all the people walking by who weren't Christians, or maybe even were, just snickering at us and shaking their heads. Maybe I shouldn't care about that, maybe I should, but I'm generally not the kind of person who is all "Jesuuuus!" in public.

Went to Macca's (should that have an apostrophe?) afterwards, ate a lot, had two cups of ice (blocks) then dropped someone home, went to bed.

Elaboration across the nation.

"They sung 'I am a Friend of God' or whatever it's called... one of my pronouncedly disliked songs... but I got over it. Will elaborate, eventually."

I said I would elaborate, so here is my elaboration, wow!
This is a song we sing at church sometimes, and I don't like it. A few other people I know don't like it either, anyway, the song's basic lyrics are:

I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
I am a friend of God
He calls me friend.

There are more, but I forget what they are.
I don't know why I dislike the song so much, I just do. Maybe it has to do with the lyrics... I like my lyrics deep and meaningful. Maybe those lyrics are deep and meaningful for someone else, but they're not for me.

Whenever we sing the song in worship, I just cringe on the inside, especially when I see the worship leaders up on stage smiling and clapping and such... one of them really annoys me, because it always looks like she's fake smiling, and I don't like her voice, but anyway, it's not about that.
I suppose you would say our church is pentecostal, we're big on worship and the holy spirit and such.

So, when the song started playing, I just tuned out and probably rolled my eyes on the inside, at the same time as going 'Ugh! I hate this song!'
After a little while of being stubborn and song-hating, I had the realisation that the songs we sing in worship aren't for me. They're not for you either, or anyone else in my church, your church, or the world. The songs are for God, and he doesn't care what they sound like, or if I don't like the song, he cares about the heart that the worship is coming from. I don't sing worship songs for my enjoyment (although I do enjoy it anyway) or to feel close to God (although sometimes I do that too) but I sing worship songs to do just that, worship God. It is for him, for me to tell him that I love him, to thank him, to praise him, to cry out to him.

So that's what I did.


TERMINATE ELABORATION

Asthma

So, I have asthma, and have had it for as long as I remember.
I don’t really get it that bad, I used to when I was younger, but I don’t get it as much now.

The church I’ve been brought up in for most of my life is into healing, and so am I.
I’ve been prayed for so many times during my life, by so many different people, in so many different places, for my asthma. I still have asthma.

Why? Is pretty much the question I’m asking here. Some people might say it’s because I have no faith, or the person praying for me has no faith, but what do they know? I have faith for healing, as do the numerous people who’ve prayed for me, and plenty of people who have no faith at all that God will heal them have been healed.

Others would say that God does not want to heal me, but it says in the bible that we have authority over sickness and such, “Your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth, as it is in Heaven” The kingdom of Heaven-besides being a movie I haven’t seen-is a place where there is no sickness. Your kingdom come… on Earth as it is in Heaven.
My church talks a lot about this sort of verse, and taking authority over sickness.

So, if I have faith, authority, and God’s will, then why aren’t I healed? And why don’t other people get healed sometimes?
Back to the topic of having faith, while I do have faith in miracles, I’m a bit cynical from time to time. I hear stories about miraculous healings, but I find it a bit hard to believe, I mean, how do I know it wasn’t staged? How do I know it’s true? I never knew the sick person. I also have a had time trusting pastors. I know it’s a good thing to sort of challenge them, and not believe every word someone says to you, just because they have a credible position, but I question and challenge everything it seems. My un-trusting-ness, or whatever real word I’m looking for there, is a bit unhealthy.

One thing these pastors and preachers who I have a hard time trusting say to not focus on what God hasn’t done in your life, but focus on what he has done. I’ll try and do that.

I had a thought that maybe God is healing my asthma. In the process of. Because when I get prayed for, sometimes, my asthma goes away for a while. Days, weeks, months. But it eventually comes back. Why? I don’t know. All I know is, I’m confused, and this blog hasn’t helped to sort out my thoughts and make me less confused.

Would you rather be able to turn invisible, or be able to fly?

I would definitely rather be able to fly.
While I would love to be able to turn invisible and do all sorts of cool things, I think I would end up in a big mess, I would abuse the power.
I was talking about that to someone who'd rather be able to turn invisible than fly, and they said "Yeah, it's not such a big problem for me 'cause I'm not a Christian."
I was talking to him again later, and he said that if you ever want to reach out to someone who's not a Christian, don't call them 'un-saved'. He's been to his sister's youth group a few times, and when he'd talk to people they'd say things like "Oh, so you're unsaved."
What the hell? It just turned him right off, as I'm sure it would turn off anyone who wasn't a Christian.
How would a Christian feel walking into a group of 'un-saved' people if they all said "Oh, so you're a Christian."?
I would hate it.
People are making too much of an 'us and them' of Christians and non Christians, and it's the opposite of effective.

Umm, I forgive you?

Dang, I hate it when I'm around people who know I'm a Christian, and they apologize to me for everything they do wrong and every time they swear.
It's as if they've some how offended me, or they feel like I think they're below me.
I don't. At all.
I really don't care if someone swears around me, I'd rather people be themselves than feel like they have to tip toe around me.
I'm a Christian because I believe in God, and the birth, death, resurrection and all that jazz of Jesus, bad words don't really come into my relationship with God.
And I don't feel like I'm above other people just because I believe in God. Not at all.

The thing is, I never tell people off when they swear around me, so why do they feel like they have to apologize?

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... sorry, just felt like typing with this little toy, plastic axe that no one seems to know the origin of...

Anyway, why do they feel like they have to apologize?
I hate how Christians are just put into a tight-ass group by society.
People who put us into groups sometimes annoy me, but not nearly as much as the people who are stereotypical Christians, the people who give everyone else another reason to hate God, even though they themselves claim to love God.
You know the ones?
They ARE judgmental, and they think their way is the best way, and they get uptight about the most stupid things, like Harry Potter, or swearing, which brings me back to the fact that it's these sort of people who put us into these categories, and make others feel like they have to apologize to us...