חופש | Made It Through

So this has been a long time coming, and really only scratches the surface...
I want to share an incredible story of God's goodness in my life.

After the church of my childhood turned out to be, effectively, a cult and a 'den of thieves', my family and all I had ever known fell to pieces. For almost all of my teenage years I suffered with undiagnosed and untreated depression, fear, and anxiety, not to mention the slew of trust and intimacy issues that came with finding out your world had been a lie.

For anyone who has, or is suffering the same, I trust you know the darkness and hopelessness that is depression. Being under that cloud for so many years nearly killed me on a number of occasions.
And I say 'nearly killed me' as if I had no control over it, because I didn't. Yes, there are often times during depressive states when you can try and change your mindset or mood, but as a whole, depression for me was not a choice, and not something I had control over. I experienced moments of real fear with the thought that, through suicide, depression might actually kill me. I didn't want to die, I never had the intention to kill myself. But living had become so unbearable, that unless something changed, and soon, death would have seemed like my only option.

I knew Jesus throughout all of this. I grew up in church, I've been in relationship with Jesus for as long as I can remember. The hope of Christ is probably the only thing that pulled me through some of the darkest moments.

Nevertheless, my faith and salvation didn't cure my mental illness. In many ways it made it harder; to accept Jesus' love and mercy, and yet be so influenced and controlled by something not of Heaven was impossible to reconcile.

Last year a bunch of the other youth leaders started up a prayer group on Sunday mornings for the weeks leading up to our mid year youth camp, to seek God, seek His heart, and intercede for our youth.
We have continued these prayer meetings since, and one particular morning, I remember walking to church, struggling with depressive thoughts and absolute apathy; everyone else seemed to have this focus on and connection with God that I just couldn't grasp, everyone had a passion that I didn't. Indeed I hadn't felt truly passionate about anything for years.

That morning, I decided that I'd had enough. I cried out to God,
"God, I want you, I need you. I want you more than this depression wants me, I want you more than the devil wants me to fail, I want you, Lord."
I also decided that despite my lack of passion and positive emotion, God was more important. Whether or not I could 'feel' him, I was going to follow him, and serve him, wholeheartedly. Perhaps I couldn't choose whether or not to be depressed, but I could still choose to follow God.

That morning at prayer group, I shared my cry to God with the other youth leaders gathered, and made my declaration to God in front of them, and a vow of sorts, that even though I often feel held back, and don't always feel God as others do, I will still seek him, I will still praise him, for he is greater than any Earthly mindset or affliction.

There is something powerful about prayer, and especially powerful about praying together, and declaring things of Heaven that aren't as though they are.

Since that morning, I have been on a journey, and I'm now at a place where I can declare that I am healed, I am free.

I no longer have depression, I'm no longer held captive of the devil or of my mind, but I am set free in Christ. I am no longer dying in the darkness, but living in the glorious light of Jesus. Life is wonderful. I know real joy. And even when life doesn't work the way I want it to, as Paul says in Philippians 4:11 'I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.'
Praise God.

At C3W I've found a place of true love and friendships, and a place I can call home in Jesus. Thank you, for being a church that pursues Jesus' freedom, and for being a safe haven during my convalescence.

To others suffering depression, I say this:
Hold on. Hold on to God, hold on to hope. There is healing in the name and power of Jesus. Do not be discouraged. I am testament to the fact that, it may take years, but healing comes, and it is so worth holding on to life. There is joy on the other side of that mountain. Real, pure joy.
God is still there, God is still good. It may be difficult, but trust him, lean into him, and he will help you through. Depression leads you down dark roads, but at every fork we come to there is a choice: life or death. God always provides life. He sets before us life and death, choose life. Choose Jesus, choose hope, and always, always choose life.
I pray that your journey will take the road to joy much sooner than mine did.

Emily's How To: Clean Your Room

Yes, stop, I know, I know, I am the last person who should be telling anyone how to clean their room, but if you are so neat that you never really have to clean your room, then can you really know how to clean the entire room?
I say no. You need experience in room cleaning first. But if you are tidy, maybe you could give us all some nice tips on how to be neat in the first place, and how not to let your room become the disaster that it (likely) is.

If you are one of those disorganised, messy individuals much like myself (I know you're out there) and just can not keep your room clean, but would really like to have a big clean out once in a while, then this is for you.

NOTE:
This is not "How To Keep Your Room Clean and Tidy."
This is: "How To Clean Your Crash Site Of A Room."

No judgement here, kiddies.

--

1. You need to tackle the mess small bits at a time to avoid that overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
Do you know when you get that great inspiration to clean your room? "This is the day," you think, "I'm going to clean it! It will be amazing!"
Alas, your visions of grandeur are shattered the moment you see the mountain of inoperable mess. Grudgingly, you strive on, only to be distracted by something you deem 'more important', for example, updating your Facebook status, or deciding that maybe your trophies need polishing.
Later, you feel like a guilty failure; you broke your promise to yourself, plus you are a messy slob.
But, not to worry, here are three ways to combat this 'mass mess' syndrome:

-Scoop everything on the floor into one big pile
This helps to keep the mess in one spot, giving you room to clean, helping the room look a little neater, and also stops the mess from looking so spread out and large.

-Clean for 5/10/15/30/Whatever minutes a day*
Instead of giving yourself the near-impossible task of cleaning the entire mess, clean for, say, five or ten minutes in the morning or before bed. Clean for longer if you want to. This is a much more achievable goal; over time your room will become steadily cleaner, and because you can meet your goals, you end up with a sense of accomplishment rather than guilt.

-Make a list of things to clean (My favourite)
First, my list just today looked like this:
Green
Blue
Books
Paper Rubbish
Make up & Jewellery
Bowls, Cups, etc...
Red
Stationary
White
Top-Half Clothes
Plastic Rubbish
Bottom-Half Clothes

Okay, so do you get the point? Make a list of things to clean, you can make the categories anything you like.
Next:
Much like the 5 or 10 minute rule, clean small amounts and work your way down the list, e.g. clean up everything that is green. This should only take about 5 minutes (unless you really like green) then when you are done, you can either go and do something else or move on to the next item on the list.
TIP: Contrary to my list, it would be beneficial to clean up clothes first, that way you can have your washing on and clean the rest of your room while you wait.

TIP: After cleaning bits of your room, it might help you to move everything into a pile again, to keep your room tidy(ish) until your next session.

2. You need places to put things.
Okay, it's not for the want of more storage that all of my stuff ends up on the floor, it's because I'm lazy.
Nevertheless, unless you have places to store and organise all of your things, your room is not going to be clean.
Here are some ways to be all 'yay storage!':

-Go to Ikea
Just go there. Freakin' inspiring. If you're on a no spending diet, don't take your wallet because you will buy things.

-Get some boxes, drawers, and the like. Get nice shallow boxes to store things under your bed, which also helps stop the junk and dust that accumulates there. You can get plenty of cheap but handy storage options from The Reject Shop and those Asian stores that sell EVERYTHING IMAGINABLE.

-Clean your desks/tables/surfaces/draw

ers/under the bed first. If this is too daunting, just sweep all the junk from them onto the floor until you can clean it later. Dodgy? Meh.
This way you have all your storage areas ready for placing all the junk you're going to clean off your floor.

3. You need rubbish bags.
Undoubtedly, there will be a CRAPLOAD of junk and rubbish in your room that you will want to chuck out. Sometimes I use plastic bags I find on the floor while cleaning, sometimes I use actual garbage bags (and I fill them, too. Atrocious.)
To do this:

-Get some freakin' bags.
Put the rubbish in.
Put it in the bin.

4. Finishing Touches.
-Vacuum: Clean carpet makes it look superclean.
-Dust: Dusting seems a bit cliche... but seriously, dust makes you cough and wheeze and stuff, get rid of it.
-Actually CLEAN: Wipe the windows or whatever, your desk or table if you have one, or any other surface that is dirty. Once again, bad for the lungs, and if left dirty will likely grow mould, which is worse for the lungs.
-Organise things nicely: Photos on your bedside table, things neat on your desk, awww, it's picture perfect! You'd better take a photo, because if you're anything like me, it's not going to be clean for long.



Well, that's pretty much it.
Just remember to take it a bit at a time so that you can avoid guilt and feeling overwhelmed. Reward yourself after you have finished your day's cleaning goal. Get your storage on. And make it look all puuurty!

Try to keep it clean, obviously, but also try not to feel like a failure if it becomes messy again. You're not a bad person, you're just not really tidy, and we need a balance of the tidies and untidies in the world, k?
So if (and when) it looks as if is has been ransacked, just clean it again!

I'll leave you with something my (awesome) grandma says about my room when it's messy:
"Oh, look at your room! It's got that lived-in look!"
Then she laughs lots and is happy.
Thanks, Mama.

ENDETH.

*This 5/10 minute plan is a little common sense, but more something my sister Holly introduced me to by giving it a name/face.

Sometimes the mess is so bad that you uncover small children who have been lost in your room.

Messy

I promise I'll clean it one day...