08 April, 2011

Thoughts.

Thoughts.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.

I didn't realise that life after depression would be hard. And maybe that's really naive of me, but I just figured that once I was free, I'd be free.

And I am 'free' of the depression and anxiety... But there's a lot that lingers.
I've only talked about this a few times, mostly in tears, which is ironic considering I'm talking about how I'm not sad any more. The lawls.


But there are so many patterns and habits I've gotten into over the past 6 or 7 years of my life, and they are d-i-f-f-i-c-u-l-t to break.

Depression stole my passions; when I was a young'un, I always wanted to be an artist, then I wanted to write, but I have always wanted to create things. During my teen years, I didn't really feel the same passion for it as I used to, but I kept doing it, because it was 'my thing'.

And now I'm on the other side of the mountain, and I don't know what my passions are. Do I really love all those things, or have I just been doing them because it's what I do? I'm not a very patient person, but I'm realising that this is going to take time.
At the moment I'm just continually overwhelmed with God's peace. So much peace, and joy. But mostly a stillness. And I'm okay with that. I'm so incredibly blessed with that, but beyond it, I just have no idea. No idea what my passions are, what God thinks I should do, what I think I should do.

But I'm stuck in a uni course that I'm not enjoying, and I'm not sure if that stems from my lack of study ability, or that I just don't enjoy those things like I used to.

I feel so far behind every person I know in terms of life skills I should have, but just don't. So many things I should have learned from my parents but didn't, so many areas where my depression held me back.

I want to go on a really long holiday. Sleep in the sunshine, and work on myself. I don't know if it's selfish or not, but I really want to focus on myself, and getting my life on track. I think that would ultimately be better for other people than if I keep running on empty.

I need to learn how to be responsible, how to manage myself, be reliable, how to be confident and make decisions. I realise a lot of those things can come with my personality, but to the debilitating extent of my shortcomings? No, I need to work on this.

AND another thing.
Totally unrelated.
But, there's been a lot of talk recently about the Gay community and whether they should be allowed marriages or not.
As a Christian, I suppose it's fairly expected that I would oppose this threat to the 'integrity of a marriage', but I just can't bring myself to oppose it. Not that I'm trying to.

Jesus calls us to love people. And I do, regardless of whatever, I love people. And I don't think that gay people are threatening the integrity of a marriage.
What is?
People in 'normal' marriages having affairs, getting divorced, marrying when they shouldn't, 'Vegas' on-the-spot marriages, abusing spouses or children, running away, violence.

I've seen marriages fall apart, I've seen the damage it does. I would be far more inclined to support gay marriages than those of people who really are abusing marriage.

And the voice I hear from the Christian community only seems to ostracise and place judgement on gay people. I'm also far more inclined to protect the integrity of a person, gay or otherwise, by loving them, than protecting the integrity of a marriage that us straight 'holy' people have all but destroyed.

/rant

UPDATE
also I love babies.

9 comments:

mirily said...

*Click like*

rowanskillata said...

Yea, I went through this stage last year, what is my purpose, why am I here and that kind of thing.

Theres two things that we need to do.
1. Find out who we are in God. What we have been called to be. And what our identity is, in Christ.

2. Find out what our passion is. If you pursue it, there WILL be struggles. Although sometimes you pursue it and fall flat on your face, it builds your character and you come out better for it ;)

<3

Emily said...

Thanks, man, some sound advice there!

argentinebeauty said...

I stumble upon your blog. I really like it though specially this post! What we go through in our lives helps us help others that are going through the same! Your experience is inspiring...so keep writing!

Ria Maria said...

Emily- This post is absolutely beautiful. I struggled with depression for 9 years and your description of what you went through is exactly the way I felt. I haven't necessarily rediscovered my old hobbies (art and writing) either, but I'm on my way. God saved me from death and can and will save others too. Absolutely beautiful. *Follows*

T.C. said...

i hear you. been there; depression is really bad. sometimes i wish i could rewind life and go back and 'live' those years differently.

David said...

I wish I had read this BEFORE talking to you the other night.

Emily said...

@Daahv! Haha, might've been helpful :P Clearly I couldn't be bothered explaining in person!

Unknown said...

I know you wrote this a couple months ago. But I just hapened to stumble upon your blog. I can't agree with you more about the gay community. I know God's love and aceptance of us is far more than we can comprehend....and why cast someone out of the church, condemn them, or call them a sinner, just because their gay? Doesn't the Bible say that we are all living a life of sin? My brother is gay and I've seen him struggle continually within the church. He once told me, "I have prayed my whole life that God would take this away from me, that I could be different, that I could be the same." Then he told me later, "I realized that this is something God chose for me to struggle with, it's who I am, I never chose to be this way, I've always been." i look at the gay community and not only have I seen my brother feel unaccepted but many others. I always wonder why is it okay to reach out to so many others but not the gay community. And the question I would like to leave you with is, Is casting gays out really revealing God's lovng character? I look at the Bible and the disciples once asked God, Who are these sinful upeople following you? And God replied these are my people! We are all sinful and God loves and accepts us all for who we are, and never will he leave one behind if they accept him as their savior, gay or not.