You and Yours.

Telling you to stop lying,
Is like telling a person with depression to cheer up.

I've been through much worse, faced many more difficult things, and I will make it through this, too.

But damn, I'm sick of having my heart broken.

My Year Without: Alcohol

So, late October last year, I made the decision to go an entire year without even so much as a sip of alcohol. Only a couple months to go and I'm already donning my 'hindsight self-reflection' goggles (but hey, at least they aren't 'drunk goggles')

Why did I make this decision? A few reasons:

1. My Christian faith
This is not the sole reason, but seeing as how my beliefs make up so much of who I am, it had to come into play. I don't disagree with alcohol, I have no problem drinking, or with other people drinking regardless of religion. It's a massive grey area, but in terms of what is 'right' and 'wrong' generally drinking is fine, getting drunk is not. I have been drunk before, and see why drunkenness can be bad. Probably some of the most funny times in my life, but things could potentially go downhill very quickly in that state of mind, though they never have for me.

2. Leadership role at my church.
I am a youth leader at my church, and this is more-so what prompted the decision. If I wasn't a leader, I think my liver and I would not be such great friends. This time last year it was a big thing in the culture of our young adults and youth leaders to go out drinking, and it was fun, but I didn't quite agree with the amount of it, the fact that we were supposed to be role models, the dramas it created, and the status of 'cool' placed upon it. So starting My Year Without was, in a way, a counter-culture stand, and a way to pull back from that atmosphere. I couldn't reconcile drinking too much every other weekend with trying to teach kids and teenagers about what it means to follow Jesus.

3. Depression and dependence.
While I've never really come right out and said it to everyone, I've had depression for all/most of my teenage life, undiagnosed and untreated. I've heard teachers and doctors talk about alcohol as a 'depressant' and as a substance that will exaggerate your mood. Depressed people do stupid things while they're drunk (and sober) and I obviously don't want to aggravate that.

I didn't drink before I turned 18, and I didn't drink all that much afterwards. But I noticed a trend that at social gatherings, I didn't feel comfortable unless I was a little tipsy. I needed the alcohol to calm my 'socially awkward nerves' and to gain confidence. I was starting to rely on it to be happy, have fun, and connect with people. That was a path I did not like.

-

It hasn't been too difficult, on the whole. When it's come up in conversation and I tell people a lot of them are gob-smacked: "What!? How do you do that!?" There have been times when I've wanted a drink, been at weddings and vineyards and not been able to take advantage of all the freebies, but considering I didn't drink very regularly, it's hardly been a sacrifice.

Things have certainly changed though, in the past year. Like things do every year, but I think some is directly related to My Year Without.

1. My friends have changed.
As they always will, but the difference is in the circles of people I hang around with, and what we do when we hang out. I'm still great friends with the people I was before, and I've met new people too, but now the focus has changed from hanging out to get drunk to just hanging out. I've found a new appreciation and love for my friends because I rely on their company for the fun times, not just a temporary stimulant.

2. My confidence has soared.
Whether it's just been the awkward teen stages, the girly hormones, or the depression, I've always lacked confidence and self-esteem, been withdrawn and shy in a lot of social situations. That is why the alcohol helped so much. But having to live without it, and stand on my own two feet has taught me a lot. I still have many awkward moments, of course, but I can laugh at myself, I've learnt and am still learning how not to be the recluse, the wallflower, I've learnt to see myself in a new light and how to function socially, sober. Good, yes.


I'm thinking about going without something next year as well, just for the shiggles. You'll have to help me think of something, oh deserted blogworld.
A couple months to go... I won't know what to do when it ends! Celebratory drinks, perhaps? Or does that defeat the purpose? Expect another update come late October!

-

Also, thanks to Judy and Vicki who have helped and supported me with my decision.

Scraps...

I swore I'd never feel again.
I swore I'd never let my heart love again.
Because it hurts too much.

And I thought I'd convinced myself
That you weren't worth another scattered heart
But here I've go
I've given you a little bit of my soul
And hold on, hold on, hold on, hold
Please don't let it go.

I'm waiting. I'm here waiting.

But you know the best thing
Is Jesus
Because he thinks I'm worth the trouble
Of another scattered heart
Even though we hurt him so much
Even though I fall and I fail
He is so close
And his face is in front of mine

I don't know what to do.

Why is this still happening? Why? I don't understand. Why are you still lying? You've been uncovered, we all know the truth, why continue this façade? I want to help you, I really do, but I don't know how, and I can't if you keep being like this, it's not possible. I want to love you but this is getting tough, I can't put in so much effort if you aren't even willing to try.

I was sitting in the garden
And the air was pretty chilly
I was feeling the cold wind upon my face
And as you sat beside me, as you started crying
I asked you what was wrong about this place

And you said 'It's nice, but the truth is
One day I will grow old
And when that day finally comes
What will happen to my soul?'

'I can't breathe
These anxieties
Have got me around the throat
And I can't sleep
When I'm thinking of this
But I still can't let it go'

We were sitting on the pavement
Throwing leaves into the gutter
And I didn't know what to say
So you wrapped yourself around me, put your head upon my shoulder
And in your arms I stayed

And the truth is
One day we will grow old
And when that day finally comes
What will happen to our souls?

I can't breathe
These anxieties
have got me in a choke
And I wish away these fears
But they have started to take hold

And tonight we'll sit in silence
As we pray for peace
And tonight I'll hold you close
I'll try to keep you safe from the beast
Of time

But the truth is
One day you will grow old
And when that day finally comes
What will happen to your soul?

I can't breathe
These anxieties have got me around the throat
And I wish away these fears
But they will not let me go
Oh what will happen to my soul?

A Few of my Favourite Things 1

And by 'A Few' I mean 'a list of ten'. Here are some of my favourite things! Paying homage to The Sound of Music, of course, though none of the 'things' from that particular song have made it into this list.

1. Museli* Bars
An indulgence of mine. I just love museli bars. I hated them in primary school, because the other kids had chips and LCM's, and I would look down at my bland, hard-to-chew snack of sticky grains and scarce scatters of dried fruit, and resent the long rectangle that fit so easily in my hand, but not in my heart. But these days, my heart has an oblong dent that only a museli bar can fit in snugly, and these days (like today) I sometimes go through a packet a day at work. Of 12, not 6.
My top flavours though, would have to be:
-Yoghurt Topped: Strawberry, Apricot
-Choc-coated honeycomb.


-Raspberry is good like strawberry. I like red fruit.

*I spell muesli 'museli' because of the way my American cousin pronounces it. It has become a predisposition I can not rid myself of.


2. Notebooks
Oh, man. Pretty notebooks.

I like to collect them and then just stare at the cover, wondering what I will fill them with.
I rarely fill them, though, because I'm too afraid to ruin the prettiness with my atrocious handwriting.
The notebooks I do fill, are generally Spirax A5 notebooks. Handy and not-ugly. And many colours for various things, but not pretty or expensive enough to be concerned about ruining.
I have just now said the following to someone on MSN, to whom I had previously sent the above link by accident:

εmilγ- says:
http://www.lasoo.com.au/offer/office-supplies/spirax-a5-hard-covered-notebook-red/4fxctumc6.html?source=brand&startNo=16&pageopt=spirax
εmilγ- says:
ok srsly
εmilγ- says:
disregard that

3. Music. Duh.
I don't think anyone could not have music as a 'favourite thing', though I have heard that such people exist. I don't have a particular favourite genre, but I do like a bit of indie-folk-rock-pop-electronic-acoustic-ambient-souuul music. To be exact.
One of my all-time favourites is one Mr. Sufjan Stevens:

-Isn't he dreamy?

Lyrically and musically amazing.

Look forward to more favourites!

PostPostPost

It's been a loooooong time since I blogged, and consistently at that. So much has happened that I feel I should blog about but it would take forever, and I really don't like backtracking. Sooo, since my last sort of 'active' period I've finished high school, I took a gap year, during which I worked two different jobs at two different times. I failed my license test twice and then passed it. I love driving, I love being more independent. I've met lots of people and made some amazing friends, I've been depressed, I've had fleeting moments of true happiness and not-so-fleeting moments of sadness, but I suppose it's all part of the process.
I and many others had our hearts broken by a friend, I've started a year of zero alcohol, I've started uni, I've changed my mind about religion a million times, I've fallen even more in love with music and art, and I've started looking out for myself more, rather than neglecting myself just for other people.

I've come a long way, and yet I feel no different. In some ways I feel as if I've gone backward or moved nowhere at all, and when I think about that, I want to cry.

There are some things I mentioned here which I might go into more detail on, but I'm not making any promises.
For now, you're really amazing, just for reading this.

Still getting there...

I don't know how to do this.

I want to. I want to be there, I want to support you, I want to help you get better.

But I don't think I can. Things can never, never be as they were, and every time I think about that, it kills me a little more.

I don't want to fall back into that pattern, but it's likely that I will. I know that I will.

God help me. God, help me.

Convalescence/For a Friend

Intense things are going on. And I don't know how to deal with it. I sort of want to cry but can't be bothered? I feel all knotted. This is hot off the press, kids, so when I re-read this at some later date, the following lines of rhymes will be heavily edited.


-
They said things
I didn't want to believe about you
And usually, I'm naive
But I knew those things were true

They told me
That my rose-tinted goggles were bullshit
And usually, I believe the best
But now I see this for what it is

And I can't help but feel wasted
Like every effort and prayer was spent on nothing
And I question, every word and story
How much of it was just you bluffing?

How much of you is real?
When you said you loved me, did you mean that?
Because of every word I ever said to you
I would not take a single one back

I told you once that I wasn't doing this for time
I was doing it for love
And I wonder why you felt the need to lie to me
It's over my head, over and above

I don't know if I'm angry
Perhaps that will surface some other time
As it is, I'm replaying our every moment
Wondering what was real, and I'm stuck in this rewind

I can't define my emotions
They're all twisted inside
But I know my thoughts and choices
I know somehow that things will collide

I have felt sick all week
And I still do
Thinking about too much in doubt
Trying to know how to help you

I only feel cheated because
I would have taken all your pain
'Greater love hath no man'
But knowing now, it would have been in vain

People will be angry
Some of us will cry
You're going to be gossip's hot topic
Maybe you'll actually wish you were going to die

But please don't
Because although you said nothing you could prove
I sure that somehow, you're still the funny person I knew
And I really did mean it when I told you I loved you

You don't have to do anything
Be anything
See anything
Buy anything
Be anyone
My love is not conditional.

In a strange way
I'm actually a little bit hopeful
I'm looking forward to starting over
With no lies, no walls, no bull

It's happened before
And I'm pretty good at 'forgive and forget'
And I'd rather rebuild, restore, reclaim
Than move on, look back, and regret

I will be here
I will stand for you
I'm so upset, yes
But I'm looking forward to something solid, something true

You were hurting
And you hurt us
And while we're spinning in confusion, while we're convalescing
Let's re-learn this thing called trust.

NaNoWriMo

I am participating in National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo. It is a month of reckless writing abandon, in which the 'novelist' must produce a novel of 50, 000 words or more.
The website says it's about 'quantity, not quality' which is nice, and not nice. Nice to take off the pressure, but who is going to be spewing out a whole lot of literary crap next month? Oh, me.

I'm not sure yet what to write about. I do have lots of story ideas, but I like those ideas, and don't really wish to, er, bastardise them in NaNoWriMo. I may open up another blog and post the finished story there, or progress chapters or something. I may not. Just depends on how embarrassing the 'quantity' ends up being.

So while all those men are doing 'Movember' and trying to look all manly, I'm gonna be holed up in my room (like usual) trying to get out approximately 1666.6666666666666666666666666667 words a day. Which surely shouldn't be that hard but I know I'll put it off. A lot.

Note: Someone else should join in to! What ridiculous fun.

Catch ya on the flip side,
'Bellatree'
(That's my username XD)

Blog Action Day '09 - Climate Change.

Arrrgh! It's here, it's here, Blog Action Day and I completely forgot to even think about it! So now instead of a well thought out and possibly researched post, I'm going to have to serve up some barely passable drivel that's hardly any form of 'action'. The only action here is my frantic inner state of panic, and also I'm squirming in my chair because I need to go to the toilet. Imma get onto that.


I'm back. I took my phone with me and read FanFiction on it. Yeah that's right; I'm a multi-tasker, ain't no toilet gon' steal my precious time. It makes up for long hours spent procrastinating (barely).

Climate Cgange. Cahnge. Change. (Thank you)
To be honest, I don't really care all that much about climate change. Perhaps I should, but I don't. I don't really know all that much about it, and maybe that's why it isn't a very interesting topic to me. I suppose, if I want to care about it, I should try and learn more, but it's really hard to find the motivation to do that. I can't force myself to be passionate about something, but it wouldn't hurt to learn. I suppose. I, I, I, my, my, my, me, me, me.

Is this our problem? Of course it is, it's everyone's problem for everything. This 'me-first!' culture. Of course we all think the world revolves around us, we are our most important person. Without ourselves we couldn't be. But everyone is so determined to 'go after their dreams' to 'find themselves' to be satisfied, gratified. To go first, to be first, to be someone. To indulge. To have an adventure. To be unique.
I'm exactly like this too. And not all of those things are bad, but where is self-in-moderation? Humans are selfish, and imperfect, that's why there are wars, famine, people on the streets, heartbreak, Tom Cruise, iPods, iPhones, iSnack 2.frackingzero. Climate Change.

People are too selfish to want to change their comfortable lifestyles and somehow 'reverse' the 'damage'.

I don't think I'll write much more. What I've written so far is barely coherent as it is.

But I'm all for looking after the World. It's our 'job' y'know? Perhaps I should learn to respect it before I go prattling on (like a prat) about people being selfish.

If laying down your life for another is selfless. If 'greater love hath no man than this', then, is it rendered a selfish act if the person dying in the place of someone else wanted to end their own life anyway?
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Coming soon...

Blogs!

Directed by Emily Wood.

"Amazing. 5 stars..."
-Emily Wood†

"Wood has surpassed her previous work yet again; a must-see-read-experience blog. Quote, quote, quote."
-Oscar Wilde*

"...What the f**k? Where am I?"
-That Guy*†

... to an internets near you.


*May be false.
†May be on crack.