Thoughts.

Thoughts.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.

I didn't realise that life after depression would be hard. And maybe that's really naive of me, but I just figured that once I was free, I'd be free.

And I am 'free' of the depression and anxiety... But there's a lot that lingers.
I've only talked about this a few times, mostly in tears, which is ironic considering I'm talking about how I'm not sad any more. The lawls.

But there are so many patterns and habits I've gotten into over the past 6 or 7 years of my life, and they are d-i-f-f-i-c-u-l-t to break.

Depression stole my passions; when I was a young'un, I always wanted to be an artist, then I wanted to write, but I have always wanted to create things. During my teen years, I didn't really feel the same passion for it as I used to, but I kept doing it, because it was 'my thing'.

And now I'm on the other side of the mountain, and I don't know what my passions are. Do I really love all those things, or have I just been doing them because it's what I do? I'm not a very patient person, but I'm realising that this is going to take time.

At the moment I'm just continually overwhelmed with God's peace. So much peace, and joy. But mostly a stillness. And I'm okay with that. I'm so incredibly blessed with that, but beyond it, I just have no idea. No idea what my passions are, what God thinks I should do, what I think I should do.

But I'm stuck in a uni course that I'm not enjoying, and I'm not sure if that stems from my lack of study ability, or that I just don't enjoy those things like I used to.

I feel so far behind every person I know in terms of life skills I should have, but just don't. So many things I should have learned from my parents but didn't, so many areas where my depression held me back.

I want to go on a really long holiday. Sleep in the sunshine, and work on myself. I don't know if it's selfish or not, but I really want to focus on myself, and getting my life on track. I think that would ultimately be better for other people than if I keep running on empty.

I need to learn how to be responsible, how to manage myself, be reliable, how to be confident and make decisions. I realise a lot of those things can come with my personality, but to the debilitating extent of my shortcomings? No, I need to work on this.

AND another thing.

Totally unrelated.

But, there's been a lot of talk recently about the Gay community and whether they should be allowed marriages or not.

As a Christian, I suppose it's fairly expected that I would oppose this threat to the 'integrity of a marriage', but I just can't bring myself to oppose it. Not that I'm trying to.

Jesus calls us to love people. And I do, regardless of whatever, I love people. And I don't think that gay people are threatening the integrity of a marriage.

What is?

People in 'normal' marriages having affairs, getting divorced, marrying when they shouldn't, 'Vegas' on-the-spot marriages, abusing spouses or children, running away, violence.

I've seen marriages fall apart, I've seen the damage it does. I would be far more inclined to support gay marriages than those of people who really are abusing marriage.

And the voice I hear from the Christian community only seems to ostracise and place judgement on gay people. I'm also far more inclined to protect the integrity of a person, gay or otherwise, by loving them, than protecting the integrity of a marriage that us straight 'holy' people have all but destroyed.

/rant

UPDATE

also I love babies.

חופש | Made It Through

So this has been a long time coming, and really only scratches the surface...
I want to share an incredible story of God's goodness in my life.

After the church of my childhood turned out to be, effectively, a cult and a 'den of thieves', my family and all I had ever known fell to pieces. For almost all of my teenage years I suffered with undiagnosed and untreated depression, fear, and anxiety, not to mention the slew of trust and intimacy issues that came with finding out your world had been a lie.

For anyone who has, or is suffering the same, I trust you know the darkness and hopelessness that is depression. Being under that cloud for so many years nearly killed me on a number of occasions.
And I say 'nearly killed me' as if I had no control over it, because I didn't. Yes, there are often times during depressive states when you can try and change your mindset or mood, but as a whole, depression for me was not a choice, and not something I had control over. I experienced moments of real fear with the thought that, through suicide, depression might actually kill me. I didn't want to die, I never had the intention to kill myself. But living had become so unbearable, that unless something changed, and soon, death would have seemed like my only option.

I knew Jesus throughout all of this. I grew up in church, I've been in relationship with Jesus for as long as I can remember. The hope of Christ is probably the only thing that pulled me through some of the darkest moments.

Nevertheless, my faith and salvation didn't cure my mental illness. In many ways it made it harder; to accept Jesus' love and mercy, and yet be so influenced and controlled by something not of Heaven was impossible to reconcile.

Last year a bunch of the other youth leaders started up a prayer group on Sunday mornings for the weeks leading up to our mid year youth camp, to seek God, seek His heart, and intercede for our youth.
We have continued these prayer meetings since, and one particular morning, I remember walking to church, struggling with depressive thoughts and absolute apathy; everyone else seemed to have this focus on and connection with God that I just couldn't grasp, everyone had a passion that I didn't. Indeed I hadn't felt truly passionate about anything for years.

That morning, I decided that I'd had enough. I cried out to God,
"God, I want you, I need you. I want you more than this depression wants me, I want you more than the devil wants me to fail, I want you, Lord."
I also decided that despite my lack of passion and positive emotion, God was more important. Whether or not I could 'feel' him, I was going to follow him, and serve him, wholeheartedly. Perhaps I couldn't choose whether or not to be depressed, but I could still choose to follow God.

That morning at prayer group, I shared my cry to God with the other youth leaders gathered, and made my declaration to God in front of them, and a vow of sorts, that even though I often feel held back, and don't always feel God as others do, I will still seek him, I will still praise him, for he is greater than any Earthly mindset or affliction.

There is something powerful about prayer, and especially powerful about praying together, and declaring things of Heaven that aren't as though they are.

Since that morning, I have been on a journey, and I'm now at a place where I can declare that I am healed, I am free.

I no longer have depression, I'm no longer held captive of the devil or of my mind, but I am set free in Christ. I am no longer dying in the darkness, but living in the glorious light of Jesus. Life is wonderful. I know real joy. And even when life doesn't work the way I want it to, as Paul says in Philippians 4:11 'I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.'
Praise God.

At C3W I've found a place of true love and friendships, and a place I can call home in Jesus. Thank you, for being a church that pursues Jesus' freedom, and for being a safe haven during my convalescence.

To others suffering depression, I say this:
Hold on. Hold on to God, hold on to hope. There is healing in the name and power of Jesus. Do not be discouraged. I am testament to the fact that, it may take years, but healing comes, and it is so worth holding on to life. There is joy on the other side of that mountain. Real, pure joy.
God is still there, God is still good. It may be difficult, but trust him, lean into him, and he will help you through. Depression leads you down dark roads, but at every fork we come to there is a choice: life or death. God always provides life. He sets before us life and death, choose life. Choose Jesus, choose hope, and always, always choose life.
I pray that your journey will take the road to joy much sooner than mine did.

My Year Without: Alcohol

So, late October last year, I made the decision to go an entire year without even so much as a sip of alcohol. Only a couple months to go and I'm already donning my 'hindsight self-reflection' goggles (but hey, at least they aren't 'drunk goggles')

Why did I make this decision? A few reasons:

1. My Christian faith
This is not the sole reason, but seeing as how my beliefs make up so much of who I am, it had to come into play. I don't disagree with alcohol, I have no problem drinking, or with other people drinking regardless of religion. It's a massive grey area, but in terms of what is 'right' and 'wrong' generally drinking is fine, getting drunk is not. I have been drunk before, and see why drunkenness can be bad. Probably some of the most funny times in my life, but things could potentially go downhill very quickly in that state of mind, though they never have for me.

2. Leadership role at my church.
I am a youth leader at my church, and this is more-so what prompted the decision. If I wasn't a leader, I think my liver and I would not be such great friends. This time last year it was a big thing in the culture of our young adults and youth leaders to go out drinking, and it was fun, but I didn't quite agree with the amount of it, the fact that we were supposed to be role models, the dramas it created, and the status of 'cool' placed upon it. So starting My Year Without was, in a way, a counter-culture stand, and a way to pull back from that atmosphere. I couldn't reconcile drinking too much every other weekend with trying to teach kids and teenagers about what it means to follow Jesus.

3. Depression and dependence.
While I've never really come right out and said it to everyone, I've had depression for all/most of my teenage life, undiagnosed and untreated. I've heard teachers and doctors talk about alcohol as a 'depressant' and as a substance that will exaggerate your mood. Depressed people do stupid things while they're drunk (and sober) and I obviously don't want to aggravate that.

I didn't drink before I turned 18, and I didn't drink all that much afterwards. But I noticed a trend that at social gatherings, I didn't feel comfortable unless I was a little tipsy. I needed the alcohol to calm my 'socially awkward nerves' and to gain confidence. I was starting to rely on it to be happy, have fun, and connect with people. That was a path I did not like.

-

It hasn't been too difficult, on the whole. When it's come up in conversation and I tell people a lot of them are gob-smacked: "What!? How do you do that!?" There have been times when I've wanted a drink, been at weddings and vineyards and not been able to take advantage of all the freebies, but considering I didn't drink very regularly, it's hardly been a sacrifice.

Things have certainly changed though, in the past year. Like things do every year, but I think some is directly related to My Year Without.

1. My friends have changed.
As they always will, but the difference is in the circles of people I hang around with, and what we do when we hang out. I'm still great friends with the people I was before, and I've met new people too, but now the focus has changed from hanging out to get drunk to just hanging out. I've found a new appreciation and love for my friends because I rely on their company for the fun times, not just a temporary stimulant.

2. My confidence has soared.
Whether it's just been the awkward teen stages, the girly hormones, or the depression, I've always lacked confidence and self-esteem, been withdrawn and shy in a lot of social situations. That is why the alcohol helped so much. But having to live without it, and stand on my own two feet has taught me a lot. I still have many awkward moments, of course, but I can laugh at myself, I've learnt and am still learning how not to be the recluse, the wallflower, I've learnt to see myself in a new light and how to function socially, sober. Good, yes.


I'm thinking about going without something next year as well, just for the shiggles. You'll have to help me think of something, oh deserted blogworld.
A couple months to go... I won't know what to do when it ends! Celebratory drinks, perhaps? Or does that defeat the purpose? Expect another update come late October!

-

Also, thanks to Judy and Vicki who have helped and supported me with my decision.

Scraps...

I swore I'd never feel again.
I swore I'd never let my heart love again.
Because it hurts too much.

And I thought I'd convinced myself
That you weren't worth another scattered heart
But here I've go
I've given you a little bit of my soul
And hold on, hold on, hold on, hold
Please don't let it go.

I'm waiting. I'm here waiting.

But you know the best thing
Is Jesus
Because he thinks I'm worth the trouble
Of another scattered heart
Even though we hurt him so much
Even though I fall and I fail
He is so close
And his face is in front of mine

PostPostPost

It's been a loooooong time since I blogged, and consistently at that. So much has happened that I feel I should blog about but it would take forever, and I really don't like backtracking. Sooo, since my last sort of 'active' period I've finished high school, I took a gap year, during which I worked two different jobs at two different times. I failed my license test twice and then passed it. I love driving, I love being more independent. I've met lots of people and made some amazing friends, I've been depressed, I've had fleeting moments of true happiness and not-so-fleeting moments of sadness, but I suppose it's all part of the process.
I and many others had our hearts broken by a friend, I've started a year of zero alcohol, I've started uni, I've changed my mind about religion a million times, I've fallen even more in love with music and art, and I've started looking out for myself more, rather than neglecting myself just for other people.

I've come a long way, and yet I feel no different. In some ways I feel as if I've gone backward or moved nowhere at all, and when I think about that, I want to cry.

There are some things I mentioned here which I might go into more detail on, but I'm not making any promises.
For now, you're really amazing, just for reading this.

Convalescence/For a Friend

Intense things are going on. And I don't know how to deal with it. I sort of want to cry but can't be bothered? I feel all knotted. This is hot off the press, kids, so when I re-read this at some later date, the following lines of rhymes will be heavily edited.


-
They said things
I didn't want to believe about you
And usually, I'm naive
But I knew those things were true

They told me
That my rose-tinted goggles were bullshit
And usually, I believe the best
But now I see this for what it is

And I can't help but feel wasted
Like every effort and prayer was spent on nothing
And I question, every word and story
How much of it was just you bluffing?

How much of you is real?
When you said you loved me, did you mean that?
Because of every word I ever said to you
I would not take a single one back

I told you once that I wasn't doing this for time
I was doing it for love
And I wonder why you felt the need to lie to me
It's over my head, over and above

I don't know if I'm angry
Perhaps that will surface some other time
As it is, I'm replaying our every moment
Wondering what was real, and I'm stuck in this rewind

I can't define my emotions
They're all twisted inside
But I know my thoughts and choices
I know somehow that things will collide

I have felt sick all week
And I still do
Thinking about too much in doubt
Trying to know how to help you

I only feel cheated because
I would have taken all your pain
'Greater love hath no man'
But knowing now, it would have been in vain

People will be angry
Some of us will cry
You're going to be gossip's hot topic
Maybe you'll actually wish you were going to die

But please don't
Because although you said nothing you could prove
I sure that somehow, you're still the funny person I knew
And I really did mean it when I told you I loved you

You don't have to do anything
Be anything
See anything
Buy anything
Be anyone
My love is not conditional.

In a strange way
I'm actually a little bit hopeful
I'm looking forward to starting over
With no lies, no walls, no bull

It's happened before
And I'm pretty good at 'forgive and forget'
And I'd rather rebuild, restore, reclaim
Than move on, look back, and regret

I will be here
I will stand for you
I'm so upset, yes
But I'm looking forward to something solid, something true

You were hurting
And you hurt us
And while we're spinning in confusion, while we're convalescing
Let's re-learn this thing called trust.

Forgiven.

I think that I'm very nearly ready to let go, ready to forgive. There's no way I can forget, it's who I am now, it's my life. But I can forgive. You no longer owe me. I accept the fact that though I long to hate you, I can't. I accept that you weren't all bad; you couldn't have been, no one is. I accept the fact that you were a person who loved other people, and I accept that other people loved you. And I accept the fact that your one downfall, your weakness and failure has ruined my life in so many ways, but made so many other parts of it stronger. I accept these things, and I no longer harbour the bitterness and resentment. I no longer wish bad things upon you. What you did was wrong, and you know that, but there is no productivity in hating you from afar.

So. With all this said. I forgive you.

-



I wrote this a long time ago now. I will most likely never explain it. Not here at least.

Stages.

I remember stages of my life not so much by its events or how old I was, but by how I remember feeling about things. This is probably true of a lot of people.

When I look back at past years, I don't usually think "Oh that's the year my sister was married," or, "that's the year I started high school." It's more "that's when I was really scared all the time," or "that's when I was an excited (!!!) pre-pubescent teen."

Some stages, like the ones I've just mentioned, I can remember with clarity. Others not so much.

I remember being a child; I was mostly happy, off in my own little world, and very shy. I also remember being scared of a lot of things.

I remember being in primary school; I was still mostly happy, I thought I was right most of the time. I was still very shy, and still scared of things.

I remember early high school; I was a super excited 13 year old girl. Most sentences were followed with too many exclamation marks. I still thought I was right all the time; often found it hard to get off my high horse and admit when I'd been wrong. It was around this time, when one night I was 'scared' by I-can't-remember-what, and was sick of it, that I read my bible and prayed until it stopped. I remember always wanting to help people, always putting them first.

I remember mid high school; I started to get over my excitement and enthusiasm. I had a massive creative burst; I was writing and drawing and loving it. The being scared had not come back since it stopped. But my creative and passionate burst was just that; a burst. After that it was a deserted, ugly rut. I remember being lonely, and apathetic. I remember feeling 'out of it' in social situations, I remember hating that, hating my self consciousness and hating the fact that I didn't want to help people any more. I felt so selfish. So I covered all of that up. I remember wearing a mask each and every day. And always, though I didn't want to, putting other people first (that of course was followed by guilt and shame) and pretending I was fine and happy until I was just so tired that I couldn't do it any longer.

And this is where I am today; this is a stage of depression, anxiety, cynicism, sarcasm, and fear. It is worse that being in a rut, worse than being in 'the desert'. I can feel the mask wearing away; it is so painful. I cannot bear it. I am sick of feeling out of place and 'not-together', I am sick of feeling like everyone is on some different level, or page to me, I am sick of feeling like no one feels about me the way I feel about them. I am sick of not being able to do things, and not being able to concentrate because I just can't seem to organise my mind. The smallest of things can bring me down in an instant and overwhelm me.
I wonder if the previous stages led to this place... I wonder if focusing on how I was 'stuck' forced me into this horrible place, or if it's the other way around, and I focused on it because I am in this horrible place.

It's funny, at the start of this year, I had 'visions of grandeur' of what it would be like, of what positive and impacting decisions I would make.

Not one of those expectations has been realised. Not even one.
I have no idea what I am doing. Except.
I am crying.

Psalm Number Emily.

This is the Psalm I wrote when Ben Wilson ran TNT at Beach Mission this year. I've been meaning to post it for a while, but I kept putting it off because I wasn't sure if I wanted to... actually now I'm thinking that I don't want to again.

Okay, I will post it.
Some of it might only make sense to me/some of it is very metaphorical.


Oh Lover, it's been years.
That time so long ago,
I drowned in you.

Oh Lord, how long has it been,
Since I saw your face shining down on me?

I wonder, if you wouldn't like to take my hand;
We'd walk, we'd sing, we'd dance.

Oh God, something rests heavy on my soul.
What weighs heavy is the want, the need to feel you.

I want to dry their tears, Lord;
I wonder if you wouldn't stop me drowning in my own.
I want to see them dance, Lord,
and I wonder, if just this time,
You wouldn't like to hold my hand;
We'd walk, we'd sing, we'd dance.

-

Blogland.

On orders from Benchong Town, I am writing a blog.
But the thing is, see the thing is, the thing is, see the thing is I don't know what to blog about.
(A cookie for anyone who just got the Lano & Woodley reference.)

So I will just talk about myself for a while. Actually, here is a list of stuff:
1. I started writing a book the other day. Awesome.
2. I have too much homework and I am slack. I'm probably going to fail 3/4 studio arts but that's my teacher's fault; he's never there, and when he is he never ceases talking about totem poles.
3. Crispy Potato flavoured 'In a Biscuit' biscuits taste nice if you think of roast potato, but feral when you think of raw potato.
4. Grace asked me to design the t-shirts for mission, and I'm scared they'll be crap. Any preferences for colour out there?
5. I am very sleepy.
6. My friend came home from India for a month! We're going to have ice cream before she goes back again.
7. I don't want to finish my list on such an un-rounded number.
8. The Milo is all gone.
9. I have to work tonight and I don't want to.
10. I suck at blob this round.

Another 3 things.

Thing 1.
Don't see Superbad. It's super bad.


Thing 2.
Went to one of those parties on Saturday where people just get drunk, hook up, and dance.
I don't drink or hook up, but I did dance with Hannah and Esther and people from youth which was fun, especially since I'm not generally a dancing person. This is where thing 3 took place.


Thing 3.
It was one of the guys from youth who had the party so half of my youth group was there and one of my smallgroup girls hooked up with the DJ which freaked me out a little but oh well, her decision. After a while she went outside to make a phone call and it just so happened that the DJ went outside too to have a smoke. Problem was we didn't know that, and I was worried because I know things about her past and no one could find either of them inside or outside, plus if anything happened to her I would feel responsible, even though it's not legally my responsibility.
She eventually reappeared, but then one of the other youth leaders went over to talk to her about it and she told me later that he was swearing his head off at her and telling her that she shouldn't be making out with guys and that if she goes somewhere she still needs to tell us even if it's a party. He was just belittling her and way overstepping the line.

Anyway, he made her cry and she never wants to come to church or youth again. She thinks everyone hates her, but they don't. I'm very angry. Because that was not his place, even if it was he should not speak to her, or anyone else like that.
I am so angry.

Vetamorphus.

I am torn... and slightly angry/annoyed/inconvenienced.

We have a list of dates for Vetamorphus. Last term they changed the date of the retreat and didn't tell me until about the week before. I had stuff to do that weekend. They've done it again.

It was meant to be in the middle of August, but instead they've changed it to the weekend of July 25th-27th.

Reasons why this annoys me:
It is my birthday on the 25th, so any celebrations I will have I will want to have on that weekend.
It is my friend Cecily's birthday on the 27th, and she is doing a performance things for her school that she is inviting everyone to.
It is snow day for youth on the 28th, and also Jono's birthday.
It's likely that I'll be on cafe at church because I'll probably miss this Sunday.
Bree gets back from her honey moon sometime that weekend.
July has been a full enough and busy enough month anyway and I cannot handle the stress.


Stupid Veta. I like you, but why do you have to be so damn unorganised?
Am I being hypocritical? Probably. But I am unorganised at my own expense usually, not other peoples'.



Sigh.

StressAnxietyAhhhh!

Exams.

Are next week.

I am stressed.

I have so much to do.



Sigh. My subjects this year are: Foundation maths, Vis Comm, Art, 3/4 Studio Arts, Media, and English. Oh and Veta.
I only have four exams. But I also have to do my Vis Comm project, which is due tomorrow, which I haven't started, and my visual diary is at school. I have my maths project to do, which is due next week, and how sad would it be to fail foundation maths?
Had an English SAC today on Gattaca which was pretty easy because it was creative writing not an analytical piece. Have to finish filming for my media product, and have to edit & post production crap, also have to start on my second medium. Also need to get a grasp of representation. Anyone care to explain representation in different terms than my media teacher does? He makes no sense.
Have to study those art things. Elements and something or other. The stupid man teacher wrecked my painting. I hate still life, people always paint fruit, and bowls, and fruit bowls.

Changed my theme for Studio Arts, was doing winter, am now doing faces/eyes.
I have to do my folio & design brief in a week. My teacher is severely abstract when he explains things. Egad I'm scared. Scared.
I have so much to do, so much to do, so much to do.
Going to dad's for dinner tonight.
Youth tomorrow night.
Shopping for central on Saturday.
Work on Saturday.
Church and leader's meeting on Sunday.
Ahhhhhh crap, I'm so screwed.

Went to Top Designs for an excursion yesterday. Made me feel... inadequate? How the hell can I be as good as that? Everything was so creative, and so good.
Why can't I be as good as that?
Arty things are pretty much all I'm good at in my eyes, and I'm not even that good compared to others.
What do I have, if not that?

Why does school and society put so much pressure on us to excel and exceed? I can't do it. I hate this academic world I live in. You're no good unless you have a good, well payed, respected job.
I know that's not really true, but that's the pressure they put on us.

I can't do it. I can't.









Maybe, just maybe, I can. Prayer would be good.

Grrrrekwbhgkehlgnsdyflgnkztscefyzu!#$%@

Everyone is getting on my nerves today and I'm angry. I wish people would get over themselves.

fhuih hk vgekiqu,LV3to8lyh.jrez.6gjn.

Benefit of the doubt

Something strange happened to me tonight...

I went to work, was bored at work, this is all the same as usual. It was after work that it happened. I was about to get into the car, when I heard a small 'excuse me' behind me. I was sitting in the car and turned around and there was a lady there looking quite distraught. I didn't really know what she was talking about, because she was rambling, almost in tears, but she asked me if I knew anyone around who went to a church because she need to get to Albury by 11:30pm and she had not petrol or money, and maybe the church or someone from there would give her some and she could pay then back.. She went on to say something about her spleen or something, and told me to forgive her because she had bumps on her head because her husband used to hit her. She rambled on about how her husband was not going to take their kids anymore and she had to get to Albury before they were split up, and she said she used to go to church, but her husband wouldn't let her, she said she still prayed all the time, and she wanted to go back to church, but as a family with her and her kids. She rambled on a lot, I can't remember exactly what she said. My dad asked her how much money she needed, she said she'd need enough for petrol to get to Albuy.

My dad got out of the car and went to the atm and I stayed with the lady, I was a little freaked out because she was so distraught and on the verge of tears. She apologized for asking for money and said that it wasn't something she'd wanted to do. I asked her if it would help if I prayed for her, she said yes, so I asked her name and asked if I could lay hands on her, then I prayed for God to comfort her and help her and stuff, then Dad came back and handed her some money. I'm not sure how much, it was at least $50, but there could've been more than one note. This is no small feat for my Dad, as no one in my family has a lot of money. We said goodbye to the lady, dad told her she didn't have to return the money, "I don't know where you live, you don't know where I live," she thanked us and was even closer to tears.


Then we drove away.

I really hope this wasn't a scam. If it was, I'd feel down right cheated and angry, but I think, in these sort of situations, it's better to give people the benefit of the doubt. That doesn't mean fork out cash to every stranger that asks for it, but don't just take on the idea that they're lying, they may well be not.

I don't know if it was a scam, it was either real, or very well thought out and played. Maybe she was waiting, an saw my Dad's Mercedes Benz and thought he was rich and would more easily fork out money. Quite the opposite, my dad is anything but rich, the car cost his $200 and is in constant disrepair.

But maybe it wasn't a scam. Maybe it was timed just perfectly. If Dad hadn't parked instead of just picking me up where I stood, if I hadn't been working tonight, if those ladies hadn't been in the way and slowed me down, if my dad wasn't already planning to take out cash... there's a lot of variables in there, but I suppose they could work out to be unlucky variables.

Scam or not, doubt I'll ever know, but it's left me with a strange feeling, and nothing feels quite real at the moment.

One Day

Woo. Last night I was in the city for 'One Day' which is some worship concert thing... anyway, our 'Xtreme Youth' band played for an hour and a half, which was fun. I sing, for those of you playing at home, and Josh drums.

'Twas a hoot, if I do say so myself, especially since I wasn't really in the mood. We didn't sound really fantastic though, I think we had too many singers, and we hadn't done levels or anything, and we didn't know who was doing what harmonies and such... there were some strange harmonies in there... also apparently only one of the guitars could be heard and there were four I think.

Haha, at one time, this dude came on stage, he was holding a bowling ball and a little tin kettle, and was posing with them. I think he was trying to take the piss out of us, but I found it funny. Some guys had to drag him offstage. Should I have been angry or offended? I decide no. If I should've been, I wasn't and I'm not. It was just amusing.

Hmm, when we finished playing/worshiping, the host came on stage and got everyone to pray for the city of Melbourne. I must say, I felt like a 'kooky Christian' at that point. I can imagine all the people walking by who weren't Christians, or maybe even were, just snickering at us and shaking their heads. Maybe I shouldn't care about that, maybe I should, but I'm generally not the kind of person who is all "Jesuuuus!" in public.

Went to Macca's (should that have an apostrophe?) afterwards, ate a lot, had two cups of ice (blocks) then dropped someone home, went to bed.

Asthma

So, I have asthma, and have had it for as long as I remember.
I don’t really get it that bad, I used to when I was younger, but I don’t get it as much now.

The church I’ve been brought up in for most of my life is into healing, and so am I.
I’ve been prayed for so many times during my life, by so many different people, in so many different places, for my asthma. I still have asthma.

Why? Is pretty much the question I’m asking here. Some people might say it’s because I have no faith, or the person praying for me has no faith, but what do they know? I have faith for healing, as do the numerous people who’ve prayed for me, and plenty of people who have no faith at all that God will heal them have been healed.

Others would say that God does not want to heal me, but it says in the bible that we have authority over sickness and such, “Your kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth, as it is in Heaven” The kingdom of Heaven-besides being a movie I haven’t seen-is a place where there is no sickness. Your kingdom come… on Earth as it is in Heaven.
My church talks a lot about this sort of verse, and taking authority over sickness.

So, if I have faith, authority, and God’s will, then why aren’t I healed? And why don’t other people get healed sometimes?
Back to the topic of having faith, while I do have faith in miracles, I’m a bit cynical from time to time. I hear stories about miraculous healings, but I find it a bit hard to believe, I mean, how do I know it wasn’t staged? How do I know it’s true? I never knew the sick person. I also have a had time trusting pastors. I know it’s a good thing to sort of challenge them, and not believe every word someone says to you, just because they have a credible position, but I question and challenge everything it seems. My un-trusting-ness, or whatever real word I’m looking for there, is a bit unhealthy.

One thing these pastors and preachers who I have a hard time trusting say to not focus on what God hasn’t done in your life, but focus on what he has done. I’ll try and do that.

I had a thought that maybe God is healing my asthma. In the process of. Because when I get prayed for, sometimes, my asthma goes away for a while. Days, weeks, months. But it eventually comes back. Why? I don’t know. All I know is, I’m confused, and this blog hasn’t helped to sort out my thoughts and make me less confused.

Vintage Train

So, yesterday, (yesterday being Saturday) I went to my Pop's farm in good ol' Bairnsdale!

Bree, Nath and I went up there to check it out and see if it was fit for a wedding.
'Twas a long car ride up there, but we stopped for ice cream! (My suggestion...request...order)

Hmm, so we arrived at Le Farm and were glad to be able to stretch our legs, 'ahhhhh...' We ate one of the best dinners I've ever had! OHitwassogood! Mmm... Corned beef, and salad that had pineapple in it, but it was good, and beetroot! I love beetroot. And 'taters.
Dessert=Baked!Custard & Homegrown peaches.

We talked long about Tasmania, and yachts and first fleet convict ancestors, Bree again made suggestions about who I should marry, to which I rolled my eyes.

Then to bed! We all (minus the grandparents) snuggled up in the same bed and sang songs. We all had to shoot ourselves at one stage, unfortunately as 'Lips of and Angel' by Hinder actually managed to process itself in our brains and pass out of our mouths only to enter our ears! Oh the shame! Hate that song. With a passion.
Also, we did sing 'Hakuna Matata' and 'Can You Feel the Love Tonight?'

Then we made jokes about names of characters from Lord of the Rings. I'll see if I can remember any...........
Nah I'm blank, sorry... only ones that come to mind are the not so funny ones... Faramiracle... and Fireman Sam... Oh, and Ahh, when (Arwen) are you gonna stop?

They're really not that funny, but you need the build up, and you need to be having a laughing fit at the time. Sleep. I win. Ha.

Breakfast=Little balls of cantaloupe & passion fruit & best strawberry yoghurt I've ever tasted!
Second Breakfast=Bacon & Eggs & Toast

After breakfast, we explored ze farm. Everything was smaller than I remembered... damn growing up...
Chickens laid one egg.
Shed may be too small for wedding.

Walked down the lane, saw the Heifers and Bulls. We sat on the grass for a while staring at the cows, then went and looked at the half empty dam. Damn. Ha, I'm so funny.
Looked at very cool tree stump we used to play on, next to windmill.
We (Josh, me, Cameron, Christopher-Haven't seen those two for years.) used to play shoot 'em up games. Guess who always won? Not me.


Walked back to farmhouse. Glanced at train carriage, which is the coolest thing ever by the way, it's an old, vintage train carriage that my Pop bought and renovated, so to speak. It has two bedrooms, a kitchen, a bathroom, a lounge room (complete with fireplace) and a little front room/foyer/whatever. I wish it were mine. I want it. I must have it.

Something to aspire to. A vintage train carriage owner.

Went down in the cellar. MUCH smaller than I remembered, but still very cool.

That was pretty much the end of that chapter. Drove home (Ice cream again! Bubble O Bill) Had KFC for lunch. Doesn't nearly add up to the farm meals.
I like road trips. It wasn't much of one, three or four hours, but I like it :D Music, fast, wind, sleepy, it's good.

Went to church, was late but oh well. They sung 'I am a Friend of God' or whatever it's called... one of my pronouncedly disliked songs... but I got over it. Will elaborate, eventually.

Daddy was at church so he took me home! Which meant that shy little didn't me have to go up to people who don't live my way and ask for a life. Dammit 'e', why so close to 't'!? ask for a lift, I meant.

Came home. No one home. Lights out. Door WIDE OPEN. Doo doo doo. I was freaked out. Especially when the dogs started barking at a tree in the back yard that seemed to be moving a heck of a lot. So I just rang Holly and talked to her until Bree and Nath came home.

The End

Friendly Friends.

I like having friends, I've discovered.
I've always sort of had friends, I guess, but only recently have I had any real friends.
I've usually been one of the favourites in my friendship groups, I hope I don't sound like I'm bragging or anything, that's just the way it normally is/was. But even though I was the 'favourite', my friends never really cared about me, and loved me. I mean, they'd say they did, but I never really felt it.

Just recently, as in late last year/early this year, have I had any friends who are of great value to me, and treat me like I'm of great value to them. I've always wanted friends like this. Always. And I always wondered why I didn't have fantastic friends, why my friends didn't mean everything to me like they meant everything to other people.
I still don't know the answer to that question.

Having friends who love you is pretty much one of the best things in the world.

The other day, for example, was a time when I felt loved; I'd missed youth on Friday because of Veta camp, and on Sunday night at church, more people than I'd expected commented on how they'd missed me on Friday, and how it was weird that I wasn't there. I know they were just words, but they were said with meaning, and they meant a lot to me.
"Wow, people actually missed me!" I've never had that feeling before.

I've always been really shy, and quiet. I think I assumed that my presence just always goes unnoticed... apparently not so.


One of the strange things is as well, that I don't know if I'd consider myself to be close friends with a lot of these people. That might just be me beating myself up and saying that 'they don't really like you that much', but I don't know them a whole lot... and still, some of the friends and acquaintances I've made recently are the best friends I've ever had.

Post Mission Blues.

Well, I might have figured it out.
The reason I got Post Mission Blues so bad this year is because I had nothing to go home to.
Sure there was youth, but that's once a week, and school is a downside, not an upside.
When I think about the changes in my life recently, the only reason I didn't want to leave beach mission so much, besides all the great people and kids/teens/families, is because I didn't want to go back home.

I really hate being at home, more than anything right now.
So much so that sometimes I refer to it as 'house' rather than 'home'.
I dread being at home.
It wouldn't be so bad if I could go somewhere to escape, but there's nowhere to go. My bedroom is the size of a box, and I have the privacy of a flea...as unrelated as fleas are...I just wanted to write flea...can we all move on? Good.
I can't drive either. Well, I can, but not by myself.

Anyway, I feel slightly better, to have figured out the deep, dark root of my PMB, but also feel slightly worse to face the fact that I hate it here.

Begin to hope...