Convalescence/For a Friend

Intense things are going on. And I don't know how to deal with it. I sort of want to cry but can't be bothered? I feel all knotted. This is hot off the press, kids, so when I re-read this at some later date, the following lines of rhymes will be heavily edited.


-
They said things
I didn't want to believe about you
And usually, I'm naive
But I knew those things were true

They told me
That my rose-tinted goggles were bullshit
And usually, I believe the best
But now I see this for what it is

And I can't help but feel wasted
Like every effort and prayer was spent on nothing
And I question, every word and story
How much of it was just you bluffing?

How much of you is real?
When you said you loved me, did you mean that?
Because of every word I ever said to you
I would not take a single one back

I told you once that I wasn't doing this for time
I was doing it for love
And I wonder why you felt the need to lie to me
It's over my head, over and above

I don't know if I'm angry
Perhaps that will surface some other time
As it is, I'm replaying our every moment
Wondering what was real, and I'm stuck in this rewind

I can't define my emotions
They're all twisted inside
But I know my thoughts and choices
I know somehow that things will collide

I have felt sick all week
And I still do
Thinking about too much in doubt
Trying to know how to help you

I only feel cheated because
I would have taken all your pain
'Greater love hath no man'
But knowing now, it would have been in vain

People will be angry
Some of us will cry
You're going to be gossip's hot topic
Maybe you'll actually wish you were going to die

But please don't
Because although you said nothing you could prove
I sure that somehow, you're still the funny person I knew
And I really did mean it when I told you I loved you

You don't have to do anything
Be anything
See anything
Buy anything
Be anyone
My love is not conditional.

In a strange way
I'm actually a little bit hopeful
I'm looking forward to starting over
With no lies, no walls, no bull

It's happened before
And I'm pretty good at 'forgive and forget'
And I'd rather rebuild, restore, reclaim
Than move on, look back, and regret

I will be here
I will stand for you
I'm so upset, yes
But I'm looking forward to something solid, something true

You were hurting
And you hurt us
And while we're spinning in confusion, while we're convalescing
Let's re-learn this thing called trust.

Camp, Correction, C-video.

In answer (wow, how big does the font want to be?) to Jono's question about 'Bob' here are two YouTube videos.

CAMP.
Veta retreat no. 2:

I think I liked retreat no. 2 more and less.
More: Because I knew the people and what to expect, and people didn't annoy me as much as on the last one. Also, the Planetshakers people weren't there being all exclusive. Ok that's harsh, but true for the most part.
Less: I was tired and stressed. And surprised at my attitudes at times. Beat myself up for that.

But overall it was good. Talked to people more this time. We went to Youth Alive on the Friday night, which was a good, but deafening experience. The sessions were on personality types, (by Glenda, who else?) a guy called Rowan Lewis came and talked about 'Who am I?' and the Trinity, Greg talked about groups/team management, and did a communion thing, and Digger did some cool stuff on evangelism.
Lots of people complain about sessions. And they can't sit that long. But I love sessions! Yay!
Oh, and Glenda did a thing about depression and dealing with ourselves and other people who have depression, bi-polar, etc...

I got annoyed/angry after that session, because it had obviously bean a very sort of morbid session, someone was crying and we were all feeling rather somber. I remarked to the other girl in my peer group: "I'm feeling a bit depressed after that."
To which she gave me a dirty look, and told me not say something like that because she hates it when people talk about depression like that without knowing what it means.
Which I suppose is fair enough, I dare say she's had her share of crap dealings in life and knows what depression is, but it just annoyed me so much. The way she said it too, it was so condescending, but it made me angry that she thought she knew me enough to think I don't know what depression is, or have never had any experience of it. I know full well what it is and have had plenty experience, probably with more experience to come, in fact I've been wondering since that session whether I have depression or not, wondering that actually made me break down at school yesterday, but anyway.

It usually makes me angry when everyone thinks their life is crap. Well, when they think they're the ONLY person whose life is crap. My life is crap sometimes/a lot of the time, but I know other people's are as well, and I know that the crap times will come and go, for me and everyone else. I just wish people wouldn't be so self-centered about their problems. Or maybe I'm just bitter because I hold all my problems inside instead of complaining/talking about them when I really just want to whine and complain and cry all day long.

Anywho, enough of that.


CORRECTION
In a previous post, I said that my personality according to the Myers-Briggs thing or whatever is INFJ. Which is false, it is actually INFP, and according to Glenda, I am "The least J person she knows." (J people are usually organized an the like.)
You can go here and read, if you can be bothered, about INFP.

Then if you had even more bothering up your sleeve, you could even do the test and tell me what you are!

NEWS
Josh just told me that he rolled Aunty Anne on the phone! High five? Yeah, we don't like her much. We're not just hating on her, there are valid reasons for our extreme dislike for this person who is (unfortunately) related to us.

~FIN~

I did this Personality Test today, I was actually a little surprised at how accurate it was, I usually tend to be skeptical of these sorts of things, but only because a lot of them are bogus.
I came out as an INFJ, which I don't understand completely, but the description fits.


The Portrait of the Counselor Idealist (iNFj)

The Counselor Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in reaching their goals, and enterprising and attentive in their interpersonal roles. Counselors focus on human potentials, think in terms of ethical values, and come easily to decisions. The small number of this type (little more than 2 percent) is regrettable, since Counselors have an unusually strong desire to contribute to the welfare of others and genuinely enjoy helping their companions. Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them. This "mind-reading" can take the form of feeling the hidden distress or illnesses of others to an extent which is difficult for other types to comprehend. Even Counselors can seldom tell how they came to penetrate others' feelings so keenly. Furthermore, the Counselor is most likely of all the types to demonstrate an ability to understand psychic phenomena and to have visions of human events, past, present, or future. What is known as ESP may well be exceptional intuitive ability-in both its forms, projection and introjection. Such supernormal intuition is found frequently in the Counselor, and can extend to people, things, and often events, taking the form of visions, episodes of foreknowledge, premonitions, auditory and visual images of things to come, as well as uncanny communications with certain individuals at a distance.

Mohandas Gandhi and Eleanor Roosevelt are examples of the Counselor Idealist (INFJ).

More about INFJ and other personality types.