Under the sky...

Nothing

2012-02-13T23:33:00.000+11:00

I am nothing

I am nothing. Nothing of the greatest kind.

I am worth nothing, and yet I am worth everything.

I can do nothing, and yet I can do something; I can do all things.

Because the One who created everything gives life to my nothingness. Gives substance to my insignificance.

I am nothing. He is everything.

He is.

2012-01-31T19:07:00.000+11:00

I think hearts are a bit like headphone cords... You don't mean to get them so tangled, you never set out to do that; but after you've finished using your headphones and you put them away; after you've finished using your heart, when you put it in your pocket and even take care to fold it nicely, that's when the trouble begins.

The time comes along when you need to use your heart again, so you dig around and pull it out of your pocket, only to discover that it's a knotted, tangled mess—it's going to take some time and effort to unravel it all again, and what will have flown past without you noticing by that stage?

How can you be aware, constantly, of the state of your heart, to make sure it doesn't get tangled? Is it too much to be unceasingly thinking about? Is that part of the deal with hearts, anyway, that thinking doesn't always help? Are our hearts created to be tangled? Is there danger in not letting ourselves get knotted and messed up? Is it then that we miss out? Is it all really just inevitable in the end?

I don't want to stumble all over my own mess, I don't want to waste my time being caught up in making sure my heart isn't involved beyond what my brain sees as reasonable.

I want to get caught up in Jesus. I want to be so tangled that I can't undo the knots. I want to look at my heart and see, not how woven into this world I am, but how taken I am with Him, how tangled and knotted and completely messed up I am in the greatest love the Earth has ever known.

Because in the brokenness of my heart, that love is patient, that love is made perfect, and that love never fails.

Youth Camp, October 2011

2012-01-20T06:50:00.002+11:00

I'd love nothing more than to take your sadness
The air you breathe is filled with my sweetness
You can not hide you can't run from my goodness

I will chase you
I will chase you
I will chase you until I catch you
Until I catch your heart

There's nothing you've done
There is nothing you've done
That could make me take my love
from you

Won't you run to me
Won't you run to me
Won't you run to me
My arms are open wide
For you

There's nothing you've done
That could make me take my love
Away

I'd love nothing more than to take your sadness
The air you breathe is filled with my sweetness
You cannot run you can't hide from my goodness

–

In the Simplest of Things

2012-01-19T08:48:00.005+11:00

Unsure where to call home,
Even less certain of the road.

And still, I can't deny the sun,
I can't but find hope.

I Saw Love Today

2011-12-04T03:32:00.000+11:00

To say this trip so far has been everything I thought it would be is a lie - the truth is, I really had no idea what to expect, so I didn't expect much at all.

Life here is still life. I am still my own person, I can still do right and wrong, and every morning and moment, in every situation, I'm still faced with the choice of whether or not I will live for God. Still faced with the decision of how much I want Him, and want to see His work, and experience Him changing me.
And of course I do want that, but the threat of complacency is no less here than at home.

Thus far I've been so blessed and humbled by the people here. I came to serve and love, and yet at every turn I find people going out of their way to love and serve me. I don't understand many things things about the culture here; some things unsettle and unnerve me, while other things inspire me and fill me with joy.

There's a girl here about 9 years old, Srai Laen, whose background is sketchy at best. It's easy to tell in both her and her sister that they have been starved of love and treated unfairly, and likely exposed to many things that arent healthy for children. And as so often with people brought up without love, she can be hard to love. She's clingy, interfering, moody, selfish, violent, she's infested with lice, and she often fights with the other children.
When I asked God what he wanted me to do here, he said 'love my people'.

Some of the children are so easy to to love, and I am also trying to love the unloved and seemingly unlovable. But I can't do it without God. Without his love, I cannot love this girl, I cannot find grace and patience in my own strength.

So I decided to love her as much as I do the cute, friendly, happy children, and God is slowly revealing to me the way He sees her. Another of His beautiful creations. An innocent child, given much less than she deserved. But she gives so much. Every day she wants to draw pictures, 'Sister, koom nu?' and I find my patience waning, but without fail, she will draw, and she will give me pictures of flowers, she will pick real flowers, she will give me some old plastic trinket that I would honestly never use, but to her is something big.

And today I watched, as another girl that normally fights with her and gives her grief was crying, and instead of being the rat-bag and making the situation worse, Srai Laen knelt down and started wiping away the other girl's tears with the most gentle hands and the ends of her own shirt.

Love is patient,
Love is kind and is not jealous;
Love does not brag and is not arrogant,
Love does not act unbecomingly;
it does not seek its own, is not provoked,
does not take into account a wrong suffered,
does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth;
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.

I don't consider myself privileged because I have more 'stuff', possessions are meaningless. I consider myself privileged, because I know Love. And because today, I got to see Jesus in the hands and face and tattered shirt of a child.

Mission.

2011-12-03T19:25:00.001+11:00

The question is: What exactly is my mission?

I am a volunteer. Many people I know are. I've spent most years of my life giving up hours, days, and weeks to one cause or other, volunteering, serving, putting up my hand to join in. Church, beach mission, youth ministry, even at work and with friends, "I'll do it!"
And I am happy to. I am happy to serve, I am happy to be a volunteer.

But, I'm only asking the question 'why?' now, on my longest volunteer mission to date.
And still, 5-6 weeks isn't really a long time, but at just over the half-way mark, I'm beginning to be able to place my thoughts together and ask the question, what is my mission?

I tell people I'm going on a 'missions trip', well, what does that mean? What is my aim, my goal? If I felt that God wanted me to come here, then what is the reason he wanted me?

I asked him at the beginning of the trip, and have since, and every time I ask I get an immediate answer: "Love my people."

That's all well and good, I'm very prepared to do that, at all times, whether at home or elsewhere. But how does that work here?

The culture in Cambodia is vastly different to that of Australia in Melbourne's eastern suburbs. Life at the children's centre can be challenging but it's by no means poverty. The children get educated, get three full meals a day, have plenty of clean water, the facilities here are amazing compared to the surrounding 'houses' (dilapidated shacks) they sing worship songs every night and pray and read the bible at dinner. They're fairly independent and do all their own washing (by hand) and get themselves washed and dressed and off to school...

The answer to the question is very clear when I'm at youth on a Friday night, the answer is even there in writing when I'm on beach mission for a week or two of my year. I know who I am, and I know what I'm doing in those situations.

Here, I am lost.

I try to take it as a good thing, because it makes me press into God more than I usually would. But in this place, I don't know where I fit, I don't know who I am, and I don't know my purpose.

Still I hear the words echo: "Love my people."

But I'm not sure what love looks like here. I've tried and I only seem to be further mystified by the culture.

What can I bring to these people? What can I show or teach them? How can I bless them? How, oh Lord, how, do I love your people?

Update, copied from a letter to my family.

2011-11-29T14:49:00.000+11:00

My Dearest family... (well, my only family :P) ((Nathan included!)) here's an update on things for you if you care to know!

Life here is awesome for me, time is very flexible, so that's awesome!
Hannah went home, if you didn't already know! A bunch of stuff happening in her life and God is doing some stuff, and she felt much more peaceful about being with her family. So we three made the trek to Bangkok on Saturday too see Hannah to the airport and spent the night at Khaosan rd, crazy market, not much sleep! Bussed back to Poipet Sunday, the bus trip takes roughly 5 hours, more when you consider nothing runs on time so the bus leaves late, and petrol stops take a long time.
Had a run in with some dodgies at the border - pretty much inevitable. Happened the first time too, they tried to sell us fake visas but we said no, they tried it again this time but we said no and hey weren't too fussed, until Richy told the other passengers it was a scam and the bus dude made us walk the rest of the way to the border! Most of the other passengers did the same after that. We caught a tuk tuk for 20 baht (maybe 60¢?) to the border and crossed back in no worries, but the phone number we had for our guy at the centre didn't work, so we had to catch another tuk tuk, and this guy didn't speak any English so that was fun... Luckily between Richy and I we remembered how to get to the children's centre. Though the guy wasn't happy when we tried to pay him - he wanted dodgy tourist prices!
A very tiring weekend, but we did get to stock up on Oreos in Thailand, so, worth it.

During the day here half the kids go to school and we teach the other half English in small classes, after lunch they swap over and we teach the other half. No idea what I'm doing half the time but it's fun!
We are very well fed, rice for every meal of course, plus some meat and veggies or whatever it is they've cooked. Our favorite is candied pork. Seriously the best thing of my life.
Last week the leaders took us out to eat those ducks cooked inside their eggs... Wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be!
The kids love drawing and ask me every day if we can draw "Sister, koom nu??" and they write letters all the time "I love you, I love Jesus, can you be my sister, I like hamster." etc...
Richy teaches guitar - a lot of the kids are already really good though! So it's not beginner lessons, but he's been teaching them a few English songs.
Everyone stares when you go to the market! Not many tourists in Poipet, ever. And if there are they stay around the centre of the 'city' for traveling or the casinos. Not many white people out our way, so people stare and the kids yell "hello! Hello! Hello! Whatsyourname? Hello!"

This week the normal English teacher, Christine, is on staff retreat, so there aren't really any fluent English speakers here to translate! A lot of the kids are quite smart though so it's okay.

I've seen some blood noses and a hectic water burn and haven't even felt sick yet! Haha nurse Emmy to the rescue... Be proud.

Mosquitoes keep biting me. Only me, it seems. Let's hope the anti malarial meds work! Lollllllll.

It's pretty hot here so we get super tired! Afternoon naps are always the correct choice. Today I organised a water fight as part of the English lesson because it was extra hot. Winning.

With Hannah gone Richy and I have to pick up her classes, so tonight I have the year 8s and up! Should be fun, they like to laugh at us

We're also getting Khmer lessons from one of the older girls here... It's a hard language to learn! 33 consonants! Haven't even started vowels yet, ohmigosh.

We might get a chance to travel down to Kratie and see the other centre and also pass by Siem Reap which would both be fun! But involve more epic bus rides

Having fun here! I'm not really homesick but I do miss you! Excited for Christmas to see my fam-a-lam! Much love Xx

2011-10-31T13:28:00.001+11:00

I know now, that He fixed my heart, so it can break again.

But what can one person do?

All things.

A story about a girl.

2011-08-25T00:47:00.001+10:00

I thanked you all for coming, and thanked a bunch for helping out; I told you that I love you all and that you should eat more food.

If I had thought out a proper speech for my 21st, I might have shared briefly about various life-things, but for what I really would have wanted to say, I'm sure it would have gone on too long, so instead:

Ima tell you a story about a girl who from a young age prided herself on being happy, seeing the best in people, and cheering for the underdog. A girl who loved to create, learn, and explore. A girl who loved God, loved her family, and loved her friends. A girl who loved life.

I don't really quite know how to continue the story. Simple words seem to trivialise it. Nonetheless, I will go on.

Something was stolen from this girl. It wasn't an object or a physical thing, so it's hard to pinpoint exactly what it was. Maybe it was innocence, or ignorance. Maybe it was childhood. Whatever it was, it's hardly important now, but something was stolen from this girl.
And with it went the girl's love for creating, learning, and exploring. With it went the girl's joy in the life and passions and people around her.
The loss of all of these things left a gaping hole that was filled with numbness, depression, and anxiety. For years.

For years the girl wandered around, going through the motions of her everyday life at school, at home, at work, out with friends, at church, and even into university, and wondered why she couldn't press through this cloud that had stolen all her happiness. She wondered why other people looked like they were enjoying life, why other people seemed to have things together, why other people could talk to God, and she couldn't.

Fear. Then fear set in as well. Fear that she might die. Fear that she might live. Fear that this might be all she would ever know. Fear that whatever it was that had stolen her peacelovejoyhappiness would eventually kill her.

There was no one person that changed things, no cataclysmic event. God was integral of course, as He always is. A bunch of people around the girl played important parts, but it was a gradual thing that the girl's will became resolved, that she realised she had a choice and a chance, that she realised there was something on the other side of the mountain, something good. And depression be damned, she was going to get to that other side!
There were a lot of tears, a lot of battles along the way, each day an internal struggle. Some fights the girl lost, some she won.
If she hadn't been so focussed (or at other times, distracted) she might have stopped to appreciate the view from high atop the mountain. She might have looked down at the dead, shadowy place she'd emerged from, turned her head with a triumphant sort of never-looking-back flick, locked her gaze on the sight of the bright, glorious land in front of her, and started down the mountain, into the sunshine.

Buuuut she was too busy getting amongst it, focussing on the weeds in her path to notice any of that. It was only when she started noticing that her heart hurt that she realised something had changed. If her heart was hurting, that surely meant her heart could feel! Pain wasn't what she wanted though, so, head down, she continued on.

Not too long after this she began to notice different little things... Now, there were fewer tears, and more smiles, mourning had started to turn to dancing, and sometimes when she laughed, it felt real! She went about her activities, and found joy in some things! She stayed around people, and felt the love she knew she had for them! She riled up, she got excited, she even got frustrated and yelled at people because she'd found things again that she was passionate about!

All of a sudden to her it seemed that she was now running down the mountain, into the lush green fields to continue her journey!

It was gone. The darkness, the fear. The black dog that had followed her around, biting at her heels, gone. And it wasn't replaced by happiness, no, happiness is fickle. It was replaced with joy. Replaced with peace. Replaced with a firm identity in the girl's Creator, the One who created her to shine, not shadow.

The girl was free.

And then the girl turned twenty-one. And she had a party and made all of her friends wear ugly jumpers, just for fun. And she wanted to cry. Not because she was sad, but because she was transformed. Because she went from feeling unworthy and hopeless, to being one of the most hopeful and joyful people she knows. Because there was a time she thought she might not make it this far, and if she did then surely it would just be to suffer longer. She wanted to cry because she made it, not only alive and well, but having a strong relationship with her Creator and with armsful of people that loved her, and she loved right back.

She couldn't think of a way, but somehow she wanted to thank these people. For patience, for prayer. For laughs, for listening. There were too many. Even the ones that never knew or understood. She wanted to say sorry as well. For the battles she lost, for the times her destruction affected others. Of course there was a reason, but it is never an excuse.
So she wrote a story, in the hopes that it might shed some light on her life, why she was the way she was, and why she is the way she is. That the people around her might know, even if she never told them, that they helped breathe life into her, that even if they once made her smile, they had made a difference. That even if she barely knew them, she loved them for the life they brought.

She couldn't think of a way to thank her Creator, either. Of course she could never repay what He had given to her life. But I think she's figured out what to do, with her life. Maybe not specifically, but if there's anyone that deserves it, it's Him. And I'm sure that what she's decided is to live her life, filled with joy, for Him. For His purpose. For His glory.

And she's going to try and give away as much of that joy to others as she can. She's going to help other people through the mountain paths, and out into the glorious everlasting sunshine.

<3

I am not a house.

2011-08-18T12:02:00.000+10:00

People aren't renovator's dreams... People shouldn't be looked at primarily as broken and flawed with potential. Yes, we all are broken and flawed, but we're not houses. We're not projects. What if we never change? What if we can never be fixed?

If the landlord said you couldn't renovate the house, how much would you love it still? Enough to buy it, rent it, live there?

If you aren't willing, you won't make that commitment to the house.

Why commit yourself to people if you aren't willing to love them just as they are? Yes, people can change, yes, people can be motivated, should be motivated. But sometimes, we don't change, we don't get better. If you commit yourself to a person thinking you can change them, thinking they'll be great once the upgrades are done, get ready to be disappointed.

I'm not a house, I can't be renovated by you, or anyone except God, and I'm definitely not for rent... but if I never changed, would you love me just the same?

2011-05-24T14:47:00.001+10:00

Via +

2011-05-03T01:56:00.002+10:00

-
Hallelujah
You have won the victory
Hallelujah
You have won it all for me

Death could not hold You down
You are the risen king
Seated in majesty
You are the risen king

-

Impossible Soul

2011-04-09T13:26:00.006+10:00

This is one of my most flavourite songs at the moment. It's 25minutes long. I wish it was shorter because then I could listen to it more often. But I wish it was longer because it's my favourite!

Saw Sufjan early this year. He is a dream live. He apologised for the length of this song. Easily forgiven, really.

Thoughts.

2011-04-08T15:17:00.002+10:00

Thoughts.

I don't really know what I'm doing with my life.

I didn't realise that life after depression would be hard. And maybe that's really naive of me, but I just figured that once I was free, I'd be free.

And I am 'free' of the depression and anxiety... But there's a lot that lingers.
I've only talked about this a few times, mostly in tears, which is ironic considering I'm talking about how I'm not sad any more. The lawls.

But there are so many patterns and habits I've gotten into over the past 6 or 7 years of my life, and they are d-i-f-f-i-c-u-l-t to break.

Depression stole my passions; when I was a young'un, I always wanted to be an artist, then I wanted to write, but I have always wanted to create things. During my teen years, I didn't really feel the same passion for it as I used to, but I kept doing it, because it was 'my thing'.

And now I'm on the other side of the mountain, and I don't know what my passions are. Do I really love all those things, or have I just been doing them because it's what I do? I'm not a very patient person, but I'm realising that this is going to take time.

At the moment I'm just continually overwhelmed with God's peace. So much peace, and joy. But mostly a stillness. And I'm okay with that. I'm so incredibly blessed with that, but beyond it, I just have no idea. No idea what my passions are, what God thinks I should do, what I think I should do.

But I'm stuck in a uni course that I'm not enjoying, and I'm not sure if that stems from my lack of study ability, or that I just don't enjoy those things like I used to.

I feel so far behind every person I know in terms of life skills I should have, but just don't. So many things I should have learned from my parents but didn't, so many areas where my depression held me back.

I want to go on a really long holiday. Sleep in the sunshine, and work on myself. I don't know if it's selfish or not, but I really want to focus on myself, and getting my life on track. I think that would ultimately be better for other people than if I keep running on empty.

I need to learn how to be responsible, how to manage myself, be reliable, how to be confident and make decisions. I realise a lot of those things can come with my personality, but to the debilitating extent of my shortcomings? No, I need to work on this.

AND another thing.

Totally unrelated.

But, there's been a lot of talk recently about the Gay community and whether they should be allowed marriages or not.

As a Christian, I suppose it's fairly expected that I would oppose this threat to the 'integrity of a marriage', but I just can't bring myself to oppose it. Not that I'm trying to.

Jesus calls us to love people. And I do, regardless of whatever, I love people. And I don't think that gay people are threatening the integrity of a marriage.

What is?

People in 'normal' marriages having affairs, getting divorced, marrying when they shouldn't, 'Vegas' on-the-spot marriages, abusing spouses or children, running away, violence.

I've seen marriages fall apart, I've seen the damage it does. I would be far more inclined to support gay marriages than those of people who really are abusing marriage.

And the voice I hear from the Christian community only seems to ostracise and place judgement on gay people. I'm also far more inclined to protect the integrity of a person, gay or otherwise, by loving them, than protecting the integrity of a marriage that us straight 'holy' people have all but destroyed.

/rant

UPDATE

also I love babies.

Help.

2011-04-05T17:17:00.000+10:00

I confess that I am unable. That I need you to help me.

Yes, with all your flaws and imperfections. I know you will let me down, again and again, I know it. But so will I, you.

But I need you.

And I promise to be honest. I will tell you when I need you. When I cry for help, I will cry for help. There is no goodness in subtlety for such a thing as this.

I will not become silent, I will not drop hints, I will tell you, I need your help.

And please, when I say that, know that I mean it in earnest. And please, when I ask you, help me.

חופש | Made It Through

2011-03-13T23:24:00.004+11:00

So this has been a long time coming, and really only scratches the surface...
I want to share an incredible story of God's goodness in my life.

After the church of my childhood turned out to be, effectively, a cult and a 'den of thieves', my family and all I had ever known fell to pieces. For almost all of my teenage years I suffered with undiagnosed and untreated depression, fear, and anxiety, not to mention the slew of trust and intimacy issues that came with finding out your world had been a lie.

For anyone who has, or is suffering the same, I trust you know the darkness and hopelessness that is depression. Being under that cloud for so many years nearly killed me on a number of occasions.
And I say 'nearly killed me' as if I had no control over it, because I didn't. Yes, there are often times during depressive states when you can try and change your mindset or mood, but as a whole, depression for me was not a choice, and not something I had control over. I experienced moments of real fear with the thought that, through suicide, depression might actually kill me. I didn't want to die, I never had the intention to kill myself. But living had become so unbearable, that unless something changed, and soon, death would have seemed like my only option.

I knew Jesus throughout all of this. I grew up in church, I've been in relationship with Jesus for as long as I can remember. The hope of Christ is probably the only thing that pulled me through some of the darkest moments.

Nevertheless, my faith and salvation didn't cure my mental illness. In many ways it made it harder; to accept Jesus' love and mercy, and yet be so influenced and controlled by something not of Heaven was impossible to reconcile.

Last year a bunch of the other youth leaders started up a prayer group on Sunday mornings for the weeks leading up to our mid year youth camp, to seek God, seek His heart, and intercede for our youth.
We have continued these prayer meetings since, and one particular morning, I remember walking to church, struggling with depressive thoughts and absolute apathy; everyone else seemed to have this focus on and connection with God that I just couldn't grasp, everyone had a passion that I didn't. Indeed I hadn't felt truly passionate about anything for years.

That morning, I decided that I'd had enough. I cried out to God,
"God, I want you, I need you. I want you more than this depression wants me, I want you more than the devil wants me to fail, I want you, Lord."
I also decided that despite my lack of passion and positive emotion, God was more important. Whether or not I could 'feel' him, I was going to follow him, and serve him, wholeheartedly. Perhaps I couldn't choose whether or not to be depressed, but I could still choose to follow God.

That morning at prayer group, I shared my cry to God with the other youth leaders gathered, and made my declaration to God in front of them, and a vow of sorts, that even though I often feel held back, and don't always feel God as others do, I will still seek him, I will still praise him, for he is greater than any Earthly mindset or affliction.

There is something powerful about prayer, and especially powerful about praying together, and declaring things of Heaven that aren't as though they are.

Since that morning, I have been on a journey, and I'm now at a place where I can declare that I am healed, I am free.

I no longer have depression, I'm no longer held captive of the devil or of my mind, but I am set free in Christ. I am no longer dying in the darkness, but living in the glorious light of Jesus. Life is wonderful. I know real joy. And even when life doesn't work the way I want it to, as Paul says in Philippians 4:11 'I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.'
Praise God.

At C3W I've found a place of true love and friendships, and a place I can call home in Jesus. Thank you, for being a church that pursues Jesus' freedom, and for being a safe haven during my convalescence.

To others suffering depression, I say this:
Hold on. Hold on to God, hold on to hope. There is healing in the name and power of Jesus. Do not be discouraged. I am testament to the fact that, it may take years, but healing comes, and it is so worth holding on to life. There is joy on the other side of that mountain. Real, pure joy.
God is still there, God is still good. It may be difficult, but trust him, lean into him, and he will help you through. Depression leads you down dark roads, but at every fork we come to there is a choice: life or death. God always provides life. He sets before us life and death, choose life. Choose Jesus, choose hope, and always, always choose life.
I pray that your journey will take the road to joy much sooner than mine did.

I'm done with you,

2011-03-10T10:11:00.002+11:00

black dog.

Good riddance. I'm loving this freedom.

And no, I won't keep my mouth shut.

Whirlwind text message romance.

2011-03-07T22:54:00.000+11:00

Just reminiscin' and missin' the days. When.

Peristeronic as shit.

2010-12-16T13:14:00.002+11:00

#xkcd graph comic.

My greatest hope for this post, is that it adds just that little bit more to the growing pool of 'f***ing peristeronic as shit' posts slowly flooding the internet, eventually leading to a repost of the original xkcd comic 'Adjectives' with appropriate adjustments made.

I know, right, I aim high in life.

2010-12-06T22:13:00.002+11:00

Why do I feel so tainted? Why do I feel like you and all the rest are pure and fresh and clean, and I am dirty? Why do I feel ruined, used? Why do I feel like I've lost all innocence?

I'm sure I never did anything to break myself.
But I feel so broken.

I thought I was healing, but maybe the bones have to be cracked again, just to be re-set right.

Just because it made me laugh.

2010-10-21T18:39:00.006+11:00

You and Yours.

2010-08-25T00:57:00.001+10:00

Telling you to stop lying,
Is like telling a person with depression to cheer up.

2010-08-23T10:52:00.001+10:00

I've been through much worse, faced many more difficult things, and I will make it through this, too.

But damn, I'm sick of having my heart broken.

My Year Without: Alcohol

2010-08-16T11:41:00.007+10:00

So, late October last year, I made the decision to go an entire year without even so much as a sip of alcohol. Only a couple months to go and I'm already donning my 'hindsight self-reflection' goggles (but hey, at least they aren't 'drunk goggles')

Why did I make this decision? A few reasons:

1. My Christian faith
This is not the sole reason, but seeing as how my beliefs make up so much of who I am, it had to come into play. I don't disagree with alcohol, I have no problem drinking, or with other people drinking regardless of religion. It's a massive grey area, but in terms of what is 'right' and 'wrong' generally drinking is fine, getting drunk is not. I have been drunk before, and see why drunkenness can be bad. Probably some of the most funny times in my life, but things could potentially go downhill very quickly in that state of mind, though they never have for me.

2. Leadership role at my church.
I am a youth leader at my church, and this is more-so what prompted the decision. If I wasn't a leader, I think my liver and I would not be such great friends. This time last year it was a big thing in the culture of our young adults and youth leaders to go out drinking, and it was fun, but I didn't quite agree with the amount of it, the fact that we were supposed to be role models, the dramas it created, and the status of 'cool' placed upon it. So starting My Year Without was, in a way, a counter-culture stand, and a way to pull back from that atmosphere. I couldn't reconcile drinking too much every other weekend with trying to teach kids and teenagers about what it means to follow Jesus.

3. Depression and dependence.
While I've never really come right out and said it to everyone, I've had depression for all/most of my teenage life, undiagnosed and untreated. I've heard teachers and doctors talk about alcohol as a 'depressant' and as a substance that will exaggerate your mood. Depressed people do stupid things while they're drunk (and sober) and I obviously don't want to aggravate that.

I didn't drink before I turned 18, and I didn't drink all that much afterwards. But I noticed a trend that at social gatherings, I didn't feel comfortable unless I was a little tipsy. I needed the alcohol to calm my 'socially awkward nerves' and to gain confidence. I was starting to rely on it to be happy, have fun, and connect with people. That was a path I did not like.

-

It hasn't been too difficult, on the whole. When it's come up in conversation and I tell people a lot of them are gob-smacked: "What!? How do you do that!?" There have been times when I've wanted a drink, been at weddings and vineyards and not been able to take advantage of all the freebies, but considering I didn't drink very regularly, it's hardly been a sacrifice.

Things have certainly changed though, in the past year. Like things do every year, but I think some is directly related to My Year Without.

1. My friends have changed.
As they always will, but the difference is in the circles of people I hang around with, and what we do when we hang out. I'm still great friends with the people I was before, and I've met new people too, but now the focus has changed from hanging out to get drunk to just hanging out. I've found a new appreciation and love for my friends because I rely on their company for the fun times, not just a temporary stimulant.

2. My confidence has soared.
Whether it's just been the awkward teen stages, the girly hormones, or the depression, I've always lacked confidence and self-esteem, been withdrawn and shy in a lot of social situations. That is why the alcohol helped so much. But having to live without it, and stand on my own two feet has taught me a lot. I still have many awkward moments, of course, but I can laugh at myself, I've learnt and am still learning how not to be the recluse, the wallflower, I've learnt to see myself in a new light and how to function socially, sober. Good, yes.

I'm thinking about going without something next year as well, just for the shiggles. You'll have to help me think of something, oh deserted blogworld.
A couple months to go... I won't know what to do when it ends! Celebratory drinks, perhaps? Or does that defeat the purpose? Expect another update come late October!

-

Also, thanks to Judy and Vicki who have helped and supported me with my decision.

Scraps...

2010-07-05T23:38:00.004+10:00

I swore I'd never feel again.
I swore I'd never let my heart love again.
Because it hurts too much.

And I thought I'd convinced myself
That you weren't worth another scattered heart
But here I've go
I've given you a little bit of my soul
And hold on, hold on, hold on, hold
Please don't let it go.

I'm waiting. I'm here waiting.

But you know the best thing
Is Jesus
Because he thinks I'm worth the trouble
Of another scattered heart
Even though we hurt him so much
Even though I fall and I fail
He is so close
And his face is in front of mine

I don't know what to do.

2010-06-08T11:20:00.003+10:00

Why is this still happening? Why? I don't understand. Why are you still lying? You've been uncovered, we all know the truth, why continue this façade? I want to help you, I really do, but I don't know how, and I can't if you keep being like this, it's not possible. I want to love you but this is getting tough, I can't put in so much effort if you aren't even willing to try.

2010-04-29T13:10:00.001+10:00

I was sitting in the garden
And the air was pretty chilly
I was feeling the cold wind upon my face
And as you sat beside me, as you started crying
I asked you what was wrong about this place

And you said 'It's nice, but the truth is
One day I will grow old
And when that day finally comes
What will happen to my soul?'

'I can't breathe
These anxieties
Have got me around the throat
And I can't sleep
When I'm thinking of this
But I still can't let it go'

We were sitting on the pavement
Throwing leaves into the gutter
And I didn't know what to say
So you wrapped yourself around me, put your head upon my shoulder
And in your arms I stayed

And the truth is
One day we will grow old
And when that day finally comes
What will happen to our souls?

I can't breathe
These anxieties
have got me in a choke
And I wish away these fears
But they have started to take hold

And tonight we'll sit in silence
As we pray for peace
And tonight I'll hold you close
I'll try to keep you safe from the beast
Of time

But the truth is
One day you will grow old
And when that day finally comes
What will happen to your soul?

I can't breathe
These anxieties have got me around the throat
And I wish away these fears
But they will not let me go
Oh what will happen to my soul?

A Few of my Favourite Things 1

2010-04-14T14:44:00.004+10:00

And by 'A Few' I mean 'a list of ten'. Here are some of my favourite things! Paying homage to The Sound of Music, of course, though none of the 'things' from that particular song have made it into this list.

1. Museli* Bars
An indulgence of mine. I just love museli bars. I hated them in primary school, because the other kids had chips and LCM's, and I would look down at my bland, hard-to-chew snack of sticky grains and scarce scatters of dried fruit, and resent the long rectangle that fit so easily in my hand, but not in my heart. But these days, my heart has an oblong dent that only a museli bar can fit in snugly, and these days (like today) I sometimes go through a packet a day at work. Of 12, not 6.
My top flavours though, would have to be:
-Yoghurt Topped: Strawberry, Apricot
-Choc-coated honeycomb.

-Raspberry is good like strawberry. I like red fruit.

*I spell muesli 'museli' because of the way my American cousin pronounces it. It has become a predisposition I can not rid myself of.

2. Notebooks
Oh, man. Pretty notebooks.

I like to collect them and then just stare at the cover, wondering what I will fill them with.
I rarely fill them, though, because I'm too afraid to ruin the prettiness with my atrocious handwriting.
The notebooks I do fill, are generally Spirax A5 notebooks. Handy and not-ugly. And many colours for various things, but not pretty or expensive enough to be concerned about ruining.
I have just now said the following to someone on MSN, to whom I had previously sent the above link by accident:

εmilγ- says:
http://www.lasoo.com.au/offer/office-supplies/spirax-a5-hard-covered-notebook-red/4fxctumc6.html?source=brand&startNo=16&pageopt=spirax
εmilγ- says:
ok srsly
εmilγ- says:
disregard that

3. Music. Duh.
I don't think anyone could not have music as a 'favourite thing', though I have heard that such people exist. I don't have a particular favourite genre, but I do like a bit of indie-folk-rock-pop-electronic-acoustic-ambient-souuul music. To be exact.
One of my all-time favourites is one Mr. Sufjan Stevens:

-Isn't he dreamy?

Lyrically and musically amazing.

Look forward to more favourites!

PostPostPost

2010-04-03T21:05:00.002+11:00

It's been a loooooong time since I blogged, and consistently at that. So much has happened that I feel I should blog about but it would take forever, and I really don't like backtracking. Sooo, since my last sort of 'active' period I've finished high school, I took a gap year, during which I worked two different jobs at two different times. I failed my license test twice and then passed it. I love driving, I love being more independent. I've met lots of people and made some amazing friends, I've been depressed, I've had fleeting moments of true happiness and not-so-fleeting moments of sadness, but I suppose it's all part of the process.
I and many others had our hearts broken by a friend, I've started a year of zero alcohol, I've started uni, I've changed my mind about religion a million times, I've fallen even more in love with music and art, and I've started looking out for myself more, rather than neglecting myself just for other people.

I've come a long way, and yet I feel no different. In some ways I feel as if I've gone backward or moved nowhere at all, and when I think about that, I want to cry.

There are some things I mentioned here which I might go into more detail on, but I'm not making any promises.
For now, you're really amazing, just for reading this.

Still getting there...

2009-11-24T12:24:00.003+11:00

I don't know how to do this.

I want to. I want to be there, I want to support you, I want to help you get better.

But I don't think I can. Things can never, never be as they were, and every time I think about that, it kills me a little more.

I don't want to fall back into that pattern, but it's likely that I will. I know that I will.

God help me. God, help me.

Convalescence/For a Friend

2009-11-17T23:57:00.004+11:00

Intense things are going on. And I don't know how to deal with it. I sort of want to cry but can't be bothered? I feel all knotted. This is hot off the press, kids, so when I re-read this at some later date, the following lines of rhymes will be heavily edited.

-
They said things
I didn't want to believe about you
And usually, I'm naive
But I knew those things were true

They told me
That my rose-tinted goggles were bullshit
And usually, I believe the best
But now I see this for what it is

And I can't help but feel wasted
Like every effort and prayer was spent on nothing
And I question, every word and story
How much of it was just you bluffing?

How much of you is real?
When you said you loved me, did you mean that?
Because of every word I ever said to you
I would not take a single one back

I told you once that I wasn't doing this for time
I was doing it for love
And I wonder why you felt the need to lie to me
It's over my head, over and above

I don't know if I'm angry
Perhaps that will surface some other time
As it is, I'm replaying our every moment
Wondering what was real, and I'm stuck in this rewind

I can't define my emotions
They're all twisted inside
But I know my thoughts and choices
I know somehow that things will collide

I have felt sick all week
And I still do
Thinking about too much in doubt
Trying to know how to help you

I only feel cheated because
I would have taken all your pain
'Greater love hath no man'
But knowing now, it would have been in vain

People will be angry
Some of us will cry
You're going to be gossip's hot topic
Maybe you'll actually wish you were going to die

But please don't
Because although you said nothing you could prove
I sure that somehow, you're still the funny person I knew
And I really did mean it when I told you I loved you

You don't have to do anything
Be anything
See anything
Buy anything
Be anyone
My love is not conditional.

In a strange way
I'm actually a little bit hopeful
I'm looking forward to starting over
With no lies, no walls, no bull

It's happened before
And I'm pretty good at 'forgive and forget'
And I'd rather rebuild, restore, reclaim
Than move on, look back, and regret

I will be here
I will stand for you
I'm so upset, yes
But I'm looking forward to something solid, something true

You were hurting
And you hurt us
And while we're spinning in confusion, while we're convalescing
Let's re-learn this thing called trust.

NaNoWriMo

2009-10-15T20:40:00.003+11:00

I am participating in National Novel Writing Month, or NaNoWriMo. It is a month of reckless writing abandon, in which the 'novelist' must produce a novel of 50, 000 words or more.
The website says it's about 'quantity, not quality' which is nice, and not nice. Nice to take off the pressure, but who is going to be spewing out a whole lot of literary crap next month? Oh, me.

I'm not sure yet what to write about. I do have lots of story ideas, but I like those ideas, and don't really wish to, er, bastardise them in NaNoWriMo. I may open up another blog and post the finished story there, or progress chapters or something. I may not. Just depends on how embarrassing the 'quantity' ends up being.

So while all those men are doing 'Movember' and trying to look all manly, I'm gonna be holed up in my room (like usual) trying to get out approximately 1666.6666666666666666666666666667 words a day. Which surely shouldn't be that hard but I know I'll put it off. A lot.

Note: Someone else should join in to! What ridiculous fun.

Catch ya on the flip side,
'Bellatree'
(That's my username XD)

Blog Action Day '09 - Climate Change.

2009-10-15T19:22:00.004+11:00

Arrrgh! It's here, it's here, Blog Action Day and I completely forgot to even think about it! So now instead of a well thought out and possibly researched post, I'm going to have to serve up some barely passable drivel that's hardly any form of 'action'. The only action here is my frantic inner state of panic, and also I'm squirming in my chair because I need to go to the toilet. Imma get onto that.

I'm back. I took my phone with me and read FanFiction on it. Yeah that's right; I'm a multi-tasker, ain't no toilet gon' steal my precious time. It makes up for long hours spent procrastinating (barely).

Climate Cgange. Cahnge. Change. (Thank you)
To be honest, I don't really care all that much about climate change. Perhaps I should, but I don't. I don't really know all that much about it, and maybe that's why it isn't a very interesting topic to me. I suppose, if I want to care about it, I should try and learn more, but it's really hard to find the motivation to do that. I can't force myself to be passionate about something, but it wouldn't hurt to learn. I suppose. I, I, I, my, my, my, me, me, me.

Is this our problem? Of course it is, it's everyone's problem for everything. This 'me-first!' culture. Of course we all think the world revolves around us, we are our most important person. Without ourselves we couldn't be. But everyone is so determined to 'go after their dreams' to 'find themselves' to be satisfied, gratified. To go first, to be first, to be someone. To indulge. To have an adventure. To be unique.
I'm exactly like this too. And not all of those things are bad, but where is self-in-moderation? Humans are selfish, and imperfect, that's why there are wars, famine, people on the streets, heartbreak, Tom Cruise, iPods, iPhones, iSnack 2.frackingzero. Climate Change.

People are too selfish to want to change their comfortable lifestyles and somehow 'reverse' the 'damage'.

I don't think I'll write much more. What I've written so far is barely coherent as it is.

But I'm all for looking after the World. It's our 'job' y'know? Perhaps I should learn to respect it before I go prattling on (like a prat) about people being selfish.

2009-09-15T21:52:00.003+10:00

If laying down your life for another is selfless. If 'greater love hath no man than this', then, is it rendered a selfish act if the person dying in the place of someone else wanted to end their own life anyway?
-

Coming soon...

2009-08-04T10:46:00.004+10:00

Blogs!

Directed by Emily Wood.

"Amazing. 5 stars..."
-Emily Wood†

"Wood has surpassed her previous work yet again; a must-see-read-experience blog. Quote, quote, quote."
-Oscar Wilde*

"...What the f**k? Where am I?"
-That Guy*†

... to an internets near you.

*May be false.
†May be on crack.

A "conversation"...

2009-04-14T22:18:00.001+10:00

...with a small group girl, whilst I put off actually writing blogs that would require effort of thought.

miss_ellie says:
yellow

Emily says:
greeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen

miss_ellie says:
reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

Emily says:
blue?

miss_ellie says:
piinnnkk!

Emily says:
purple. poiple?

miss_ellie says:
poiple?

Emily says:
orange. owange

miss_ellie says:
brown. bown.

Emily said (8:52 PM):
grey.gray.grai.grae.

miss_ellie says:
blue. brue. beu. bleu

Emily said (8:53 PM):
black.blac.blak.blaque.blaq.

miss_ellie says:
white. wite. kite.

Emily says:
i like to fly a kite. in the white. of the summer clouds.

miss_ellie says:
lets try and make up little stories, rhyming.

Emily said (8:57 PM):
heheok

miss_ellie says:
you start.

Emily said (8:59 PM):
Uhhhm no you start!

miss_ellie says:
okay.
i love the summer breeze in my hair,
and when im flying my kite i just dont care,
the laughter of emily fills the air,
and oh, all her troubles i could bare.

Emily said (9:12 PM):
and then i smile back at ellie
she's just showered so she isn't smelly!
we finished flying the kite and heard a rumble of the belly
time to go inside and eat lots of green jelly

miss_ellie says:
we go inside and eat it all.
and as it digests, we grow very tall.
as the sunsets we sit on the wall,
and like humpty dumpty, we tumble and fall

Emily said (9:17 PM):
but the grass is soft and we have no scars
the sky starts to darken so we study the stars
wishing we could catch them and keep them in jars
and wondering which of those bright lights is mars

miss_ellie says:
with the story still flowing,
and the stars start snowing,
inside my head, how lucky i am knowing
that emily will always be there, toeing.

Emily said (9:23 PM):
and I smile, wondering what 'toeing' could mean
it conjures up visions I've never yet imagined or seen
that are nevertheless hilarious and queen
(queen's my new word, you see, it means 'awesome' in Teen)

...To be continued.

What I don't understand is, why did MSN start time-stamping my posts?

Nobody Here

2009-04-07T20:12:00.005+10:00

I stumbled across this website (nobodyhere.com) not too long ago... it's pointless, really. You just seem to click links in and endless loop of sad yet humuorous observational pages made by a person I don't know.

But I enjoy it when I have free hours to ~~waste~~ spend.

Beach Mission '09

2009-01-17T22:28:00.006+11:00

Here we go: Beach Mission '09. I can't sum it up quickly; it was probably the best and most bittersweet, longest yet quickest, and most different mission I've ever done.

Section 12:
So it all started post-mission 2008, when Craig was talking to me about section 12 and I knew where the conversation headed, what he was going to ask me, and what I was going to reply. He asked me to be on the section 12 core team, and though I didn't much want to leave section 6, the thought of helping to start something new was exciting, and it was one of those things that you just know you are meant to do.
I still did wrestle a lot with the idea. I had done seven beach missions at section 6; I know the people, I know the team, I have spent nearly half of my summers there.

Hub:
This year I was part of the core team, or 'hub' as some call it. The area that I looked after was team life, and I like to think that I was successful. Because our team life was pretty swell.
Being a hub member involved pre-mission meetings, getting up earlier on mission for more meetings, delegating tasks (the best bit), trying to be role-model-ishly responsible, making announcements, and crazy dancing.
I only had really one day with a full siesta while on section 12, just because there were always things to do and organise. Next year though I plan on being more prepared and having my siesta thankyouverymuch.

Highlights:
Going on both sections:
I definitely loved getting the best of both worlds. I hadn't been planning on joining section 6, but I'm glad things worked out the way they did because I had much fun and got to see the section 6 program.

Matt Waters Owns Josh:
A group of us are standing around one night and Josh makes a comment about 'guy' who likes 'girl', and 'girl' has boyfriend, so 'guy' should back off.
Matt says:
"Josh, last year you were trying to pick up my sister and she had a boyfriend. You're a tool."
Oh, it was pure gold.

Section 12's team life:
I don't think I've ever worked with such a unified team. There were next to no conflicts, and everyone got along with everyone else, it was brilliant.

Section 6 Beach Party:
I danced to the Backstreet Boys, whilst wearing socks with my sandals, what more can I say?

Dave B gets his gansta on:
On section 12 one day it was Dave Burt, Boots, and me on the Memory Verse, and we did a gangster rap. Oh the hilarity, becausewearethethreemostganstapeopleonmission. Not.

Lowlights:
Failing:
Going home to fail my license test was a bummer. But I'm still a pretty wicked driver. But I think it may be the very first thing I've failed in my life that I actually tried at. Short of trying and failing to catch a ball, which hardly counts.
I had been planning on not telling anyone when my test was, in case I failed it, so I was going to change the day to not-the-day-after-mission. But people were all 'no do your test!' so that worked out well after not driving for two weeks and being super tired. Not.

Section 12 Cooks:
Probably the only low point from section 12. It wasn't really the cooks that were the lowlight, more the fact that I'm used to my mum being the cook and the kitchen tent being like a second home. Our cooks were not only not my mother but also very strict and uptight compared to what I was used to, which was just weird.

Comparison - Section 6 & 12:
I lurved getting to go on both sections; they were both awesome but in totally different ways.
Section 12 was fantastic, we had a really great team and the atmosphere was always fun and relaxed. The program, though, was lacking and scattered. It was good, but there were a lot of new people, plus the mission has only been running again for two years now so we don't have as much resources or materials that a lot of us are used to. (aka section 6 doesn't share. OUCH. kidding)

Section 6 had a schmrilliant program I thought! It was very very good and there were soooo many people who came along. The quality of what I saw was just great. The atmosphere was different to section 12 though. It wasn't bad or negative, it was just such a massive contrast to go from a team on such a high to one that was not as high. On drugs. (N).
People seemed more tired at section 6, which is understandable because of the length, and it may just be my way of adding drama to everything, but the atmosphere sometimes even felt a little tense. Although I did hear about quite a lot of tension between different team members.

It looks like I'm on for section 12 in 2010 again, which is still bittersweet. But I'm looking forward to gettin' some meetin'*s on.

*that apostrophe is not misplaced.

Rhymability. And Not So.

2009-01-17T14:05:00.003+11:00

Some messages that were saved as drafts in my phone:

What hackneyed phrase is this;
That ignorance is bliss?
But, oh, what wouldn't I give,
For that state of 'love to live'?
Why be in the deep to drown,
When the shallow can just walk on out?

-

This is something I wrote throughout the year after beach mission '08.

You linger in the half-light,
And something is writ
By the sea side.
And all we have is our half-minds.

-

John Marsden,
Your book 'Everything I Know About Writing' has been very useful. I used it to swat a mosquito. I missed. But I'm quite sure I'll kill him one day.

-

Ivy, Avery, Violet, Esther, Estelle, Micha, Noah.

-

Boggiu?*

-

If it's going to destroy my life to have you remember me,
I'd rather be forgotten.

-

Sarcacke*

-

But I'll tell you, I wasn't expecting this;
I wasn't expecting bliss.

-

*These are both words that I or someone else tried to spell, but clearly didn't work. I'm not sure what the actual words are meant to be.

There, Benchong. I blogged 3 times in a day, you owe me 5. GetOnIt.

Forgiven.

2009-01-17T13:58:00.004+11:00

I think that I'm very nearly ready to let go, ready to forgive. There's no way I can forget, it's who I am now, it's my life. But I can forgive. You no longer owe me. I accept the fact that though I long to hate you, I can't. I accept that you weren't all bad; you couldn't have been, no one is. I accept the fact that you were a person who loved other people, and I accept that other people loved you. And I accept the fact that your one downfall, your weakness and failure has ruined my life in so many ways, but made so many other parts of it stronger. I accept these things, and I no longer harbour the bitterness and resentment. I no longer wish bad things upon you. What you did was wrong, and you know that, but there is no productivity in hating you from afar.

So. With all this said. I forgive you.

-

I wrote this a long time ago now. I will most likely never explain it. Not here at least.

Beach Mission '09 - The Prelude

2009-01-17T09:58:00.003+11:00

Not quite ready to blog about mission yet. It was all such a quick blur that I am still sorting things out in my head.

But here is a short poem while we wait:

Black Booger, Black Booger,
Sitting in my nose.
Black Booger, Black Booger,
Tissues are your foes.

Black Booger, Black Booger,
So satisfying to pick,
Black Booger, Black Booger,
But not quite so to lick.*

Black Booger, Black Booger,
It's bitter-sweet to say goodbye.
But Black Booger, Black Booger,
To say I miss you would be a lie.
-

*Not that I've tried... but I can't imagine it being very tasty.

PSUFM Blog

2009-01-03T10:22:00.002+11:00

Just to let you know,
A Peninsula SUFM blog has been set up at http://psufm.blogspot.com/

The blog will let you know everything that's going on, with some pictures and prayer requests as well.

Go have a look, subscribe via email, and don't forget to tell your friends about the blog and visitor's day!

Stages.

2008-12-17T22:41:00.006+11:00

I remember stages of my life not so much by its events or how old I was, but by how I remember feeling about things. This is probably true of a lot of people.

When I look back at past years, I don't usually think "Oh that's the year my sister was married," or, "that's the year I started high school." It's more "that's when I was really scared all the time," or "that's when I was an excited (!!!) pre-pubescent teen."

Some stages, like the ones I've just mentioned, I can remember with clarity. Others not so much.

I remember being a child; I was mostly happy, off in my own little world, and very shy. I also remember being scared of a lot of things.

I remember being in primary school; I was still mostly happy, I thought I was right most of the time. I was still very shy, and still scared of things.

I remember early high school; I was a super excited 13 year old girl. Most sentences were followed with too many exclamation marks. I still thought I was right all the time; often found it hard to get off my high horse and admit when I'd been wrong. It was around this time, when one night I was 'scared' by I-can't-remember-what, and was sick of it, that I read my bible and prayed until it stopped. I remember always wanting to help people, always putting them first.

I remember mid high school; I started to get over my excitement and enthusiasm. I had a massive creative burst; I was writing and drawing and loving it. The being scared had not come back since it stopped. But my creative and passionate burst was just that; a burst. After that it was a deserted, ugly rut. I remember being lonely, and apathetic. I remember feeling 'out of it' in social situations, I remember hating that, hating my self consciousness and hating the fact that I didn't want to help people any more. I felt so selfish. So I covered all of that up. I remember wearing a mask each and every day. And always, though I didn't want to, putting other people first (that of course was followed by guilt and shame) and pretending I was fine and happy until I was just so tired that I couldn't do it any longer.

And this is where I am today; this is a stage of depression, anxiety, cynicism, sarcasm, and fear. It is worse that being in a rut, worse than being in 'the desert'. I can feel the mask wearing away; it is so painful. I cannot bear it. I am sick of feeling out of place and 'not-together', I am sick of feeling like everyone is on some different level, or page to me, I am sick of feeling like no one feels about me the way I feel about them. I am sick of not being able to do things, and not being able to concentrate because I just can't seem to organise my mind. The smallest of things can bring me down in an instant and overwhelm me.
I wonder if the previous stages led to this place... I wonder if focusing on how I was 'stuck' forced me into this horrible place, or if it's the other way around, and I focused on it because I am in this horrible place.

It's funny, at the start of this year, I had 'visions of grandeur' of what it would be like, of what positive and impacting decisions I would make.

Not one of those expectations has been realised. Not even one.
I have no idea what I am doing. Except.
I am crying.

Emily's How To: Clean Your Room

2008-12-10T10:12:00.006+11:00

Yes, stop, I know, I know, I am the last person who should be telling anyone how to clean their room, but if you are so neat that you never really have to clean your room, then can you really know how to clean the entire room?
I say no. You need experience in room cleaning first. But if you are tidy, maybe you could give us all some nice tips on how to be neat in the first place, and how not to let your room become the disaster that it (likely) is.

If you are one of those disorganised, messy individuals much like myself (I know you're out there) and just can not keep your room clean, but would really like to have a big clean out once in a while, then this is for you.

NOTE:
This is not "How To Keep Your Room Clean and Tidy."
This is: "How To Clean Your Crash Site Of A Room."

No judgement here, kiddies.

--

1. You need to tackle the mess small bits at a time to avoid that overwhelming sense of hopelessness.
Do you know when you get that great inspiration to clean your room? "This is the day," you think, "I'm going to clean it! It will be amazing!"
Alas, your visions of grandeur are shattered the moment you see the mountain of inoperable mess. Grudgingly, you strive on, only to be distracted by something you deem 'more important', for example, updating your Facebook status, or deciding that maybe your trophies need polishing.
Later, you feel like a guilty failure; you broke your promise to yourself, plus you are a messy slob.
But, not to worry, here are three ways to combat this 'mass mess' syndrome:

-Scoop everything on the floor into one big pile
This helps to keep the mess in one spot, giving you room to clean, helping the room look a little neater, and also stops the mess from looking so spread out and large.

-Clean for 5/10/15/30/Whatever minutes a day*
Instead of giving yourself the near-impossible task of cleaning the entire mess, clean for, say, five or ten minutes in the morning or before bed. Clean for longer if you want to. This is a much more achievable goal; over time your room will become steadily cleaner, and because you can meet your goals, you end up with a sense of accomplishment rather than guilt.

-Make a list of things to clean (My favourite)
First, my list just today looked like this:
Green
Blue
Books
Paper Rubbish
Make up & Jewellery
Bowls, Cups, etc...
Red
Stationary
White
Top-Half Clothes
Plastic Rubbish
Bottom-Half Clothes

Okay, so do you get the point? Make a list of things to clean, you can make the categories anything you like.
Next:
Much like the 5 or 10 minute rule, clean small amounts and work your way down the list, e.g. clean up everything that is green. This should only take about 5 minutes (unless you really like green) then when you are done, you can either go and do something else or move on to the next item on the list.
TIP: Contrary to my list, it would be beneficial to clean up clothes first, that way you can have your washing on and clean the rest of your room while you wait.

TIP: After cleaning bits of your room, it might help you to move everything into a pile again, to keep your room tidy(ish) until your next session.

2. You need places to put things.
Okay, it's not for the want of more storage that all of my stuff ends up on the floor, it's because I'm lazy.
Nevertheless, unless you have places to store and organise all of your things, your room is not going to be clean.
Here are some ways to be all 'yay storage!':

-Go to Ikea
Just go there. Freakin' inspiring. If you're on a no spending diet, don't take your wallet because you will buy things.

-Get some boxes, drawers, and the like. Get nice shallow boxes to store things under your bed, which also helps stop the junk and dust that accumulates there. You can get plenty of cheap but handy storage options from The Reject Shop and those Asian stores that sell EVERYTHING IMAGINABLE.

-Clean your desks/tables/surfaces/draw

ers/under the bed first. If this is too daunting, just sweep all the junk from them onto the floor until you can clean it later. Dodgy? Meh.
This way you have all your storage areas ready for placing all the junk you're going to clean off your floor.

3. You need rubbish bags.
Undoubtedly, there will be a CRAPLOAD of junk and rubbish in your room that you will want to chuck out. Sometimes I use plastic bags I find on the floor while cleaning, sometimes I use actual garbage bags (and I fill them, too. Atrocious.)
To do this:

-Get some freakin' bags.
Put the rubbish in.
Put it in the bin.

4. Finishing Touches.
-Vacuum: Clean carpet makes it look superclean.
-Dust: Dusting seems a bit cliche... but seriously, dust makes you cough and wheeze and stuff, get rid of it.
-Actually CLEAN: Wipe the windows or whatever, your desk or table if you have one, or any other surface that is dirty. Once again, bad for the lungs, and if left dirty will likely grow mould, which is worse for the lungs.
-Organise things nicely: Photos on your bedside table, things neat on your desk, awww, it's picture perfect! You'd better take a photo, because if you're anything like me, it's not going to be clean for long.

Well, that's pretty much it.
Just remember to take it a bit at a time so that you can avoid guilt and feeling overwhelmed. Reward yourself after you have finished your day's cleaning goal. Get your storage on. And make it look all puuurty!

Try to keep it clean, obviously, but also try not to feel like a failure if it becomes messy again. You're not a bad person, you're just not really tidy, and we need a balance of the tidies and untidies in the world, k?
So if (and when) it looks as if is has been ransacked, just clean it again!

I'll leave you with something my (awesome) grandma says about my room when it's messy:
"Oh, look at your room! It's got that lived-in look!"
Then she laughs lots and is happy.
Thanks, Mama.

ENDETH.

*This 5/10 minute plan is a little common sense, but more something my sister Holly introduced me to by giving it a name/face.

Sometimes the mess is so bad that you uncover small children who have been lost in your room.

Messy

2008-12-03T11:41:00.001+11:00

I promise I'll clean it one day...

2008-10-24T15:47:00.002+11:00

I remember, in year seven, saying to my friends,

"You know, one day we'll be in year twelve, and we'll all be like 'we're in year twelve and this is our last year of school!'"

And here we are.
And it's been said.
Countless numbers of times.

My 13 years of schooling is finally coming to its end.
And I am not happy,
or sad,
or excited,
or scared.

Nothing feels weird or different.
It
all
feels
the
same.

Poverty

2008-10-15T19:39:00.004+11:00

Well, BC's post alerted me to the fact that it is Blog Action Day (B.A.D.? You would think that they might choose a more appropriate name and, in turn, get a more appropriate acronym. Although, maybe this acronym inspires humour, and that's a good thing!)

So, the B.A.D. 'theme', if you will, is Poverty.
Poverty is... bad.

I have never experienced poverty. I have never been to a third world country, never seen the 'slums' of my own country either, really, and I have never, myself, been in a state of poverty.
There is always, of course, what the media show and tell us about poverty, but that is still not really experiencing it.

Duh. Yes, Emily, everyone knows that.

I suppose because I haven't experienced poverty, I am apathetic towards the topic.
Yes, I know poverty is bad. Yes, I know people die every day from preventable causes. Yes, I know people live in houses smaller than my bedroom. Yes, I know there are people who are my age and have to drop out of school to work and support their family. Yes, I know.

But somehow for me, and for millions of other people I suppose, just knowing all of that isn't always enough.
People are still selfish, including me. People still complain about things that don't matter...

Even though I feel apathetic towards poverty, I don't ignore it. I donate to charities, I join in with fund-raisers, it gives me a good feeling. But I don't really get passionate about it. Then again, it feels like a long time since I've been passionate about anything.

There are lots of 'end poverty' movements. Claiming that we can end poverty in our life time.
I think I believe that. I think. I mean, in theory it's possible, in theory we could eradicate poverty within a week. A day, even.

But will it ever happen?

Even if we do 'eradicate' poverty, there will be a new form of poverty. Societies will always be divided into status and class, and while all people may have basic human rights, a place to live, people to love, and food on the table, there will still be people with more money. There will still be people with less money.
So, in a way, we can end poverty, and in a way, we can't.

Gosh, I'm so defeatist.

Although, a positive way of looking at poverty through this 'defeatist' view would be to look at a story I've heard a few times about a boy walking on the beach...

-
There is a man walking along the beach after a storm. The storm has washed thousands of starfish onto the sand, and they are all lying in the sun, drying out and dying. The man sees a boy up ahead who is throwing the starfish back into the now calm water.

How can he ever hope to save all these star fish?

The man walks closer to the boy, who is still diligently picking up and throwing the starfish back into the ocean, one by one.

"Hey kid, what are you doing?"

"I'm saving the starfish."

The man does not want to let the boy down, but how on Earth can the boy save all the starfish? They are drying out much too quickly.

"But kid, how can you ever hope to make a difference? There are thousands of them, they're all going to dry out before you get to them."

The boy did not stop, or hesitate. He did not give up and go home. He just picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the sea before speaking to the man.

"It made a difference for that one."

He threw in another starfish.

"Made a difference for that one"

Another starfish, another.

"Made a difference for that one, and that one."

-

There are probably countless versions of this story, and I don't know if it's true or not, but it's a good allegory for poverty.

Maybe we can't change the world. Maybe we can't eradicate poverty forever, or ever.
But why should that be reason to give up, just because we can't change the whole world?

We can make a difference for one person. And another person. And another person.

Why should fear of failure or minimalism stop us?

This post is part of Blog Action Day 08 - Poverty

2008-10-15T09:34:00.003+11:00

I've been going to 'Pentecostal' churches for pretty much my whole life.
One corrupt and super dodgy. The other awesome, so far.
I've visited plenty of other churches.

When I was younger I didn't really know about different 'types' of churches, and I just thought that non-Pentecostal churches weren't as passionate, weren't as 'in' to Christianity as we were.

I certainly don't think this now.

But I'm sorry,
for my naivety.

Such Love...

2008-09-30T23:10:00.004+10:00

I don't really have anything to blog about... I just felt like blogging.
It's been ages since I've written anything blog-worthy...

A lot has happened since my last 'real' blog post, here are some of those happenings in list-form:

-I live with my sister Holly now! It's exciting and challenging and different. Sometimes I hate it, sometimes I love it.
It's good because I am learning and growing, bad because it's inconvenient travel-wise and because it's hard to break old lifestyle habits.

-I turned sweet (and sour?) 18! A fact I am (usually) proud of.

-I have done many barely mentionable things like making a giant cuddly tea bag, going to the show, being awesome, being not-so-awesome, having a school formal, various birthdays & such...

-I have a new phone number but I don't know what it is... so don't ring/message me.

-I have a car! (No license yet) It's an old, boxy Corolla, metallic/olive green. I have named it Jpeg, on account of it's square nature.

-I submitted all my VTAC/Uni stuff... how exciting.

There endeth the list.

The title of this blog has nothing to do with the blog really, it's just a song I have stuck in my head.

Such love
Such love
Such love is this for me...

This is Jesus
In his glory
King of Heaven
Dying for me
It is finished
He has done it
Death is beaten
Heaven beckons me

Well, I suppose now that the title does relate to the blog.

I've been thinking a lot lately, that I wish Vetamorphus went for two years...
I miss my group and I miss the weekly meetings. I don't have any substitute for those. Not even a church small group because everything's all changing at the moment and the only small group I'm involved in is one I'll be leading.
Which doesn't mean I can't learn and grow still, but it's different...

Beach mission stuff is finally getting started. I'm on the Rosebud/Section 12 team this year which is different, I'm going to miss McCrae like all heck, I've spent nearly half of my summers there.

Sigh. Yawn.

2008-09-05T19:43:00.001+10:00

TubeFun

2008-09-01T22:21:00.008+10:00

Dear world:
I'm very sorry to have neglected you for so long. I've been busy, see, and also the internet around here has been quite fickle lately.

I'm also sorry that after a long absence, all I'm giving you is YouTube videos, but seriously, they are grouse.

Although they are not relatively new, so you may have seen some, if not all of them before.

Beached Whale

I always offer my chips to people after watching this.

Darth Vader Being a Smartass

First time I saw this, very nearly 'rofl'ed.

Trent From Punchy

Apparently this kid is fo' shizzle.

Keyboard Kid

Priceless. Gets in your head for days.

Yours sincerely,
Emily, VCE. (Apparently when you finish VCE, you can put those letters on the end of your name... I haven't finished yet, but I sometimes like to pretend I'm quasi-professional.)

Black and Gold - Sam Sparro

2008-06-04T18:42:00.005+10:00

This song is mad.
I love it.
You should get into it.
It's on the radio.
Anyway.
I love the lyrics.
The music is also cool.

-
Black and Gold - Sam Sparro

If the fish swam out of the ocean
And grew legs and they started walking
And the apes climbed down from the trees
And grew tall and they started talking

And the stars fell out of the sky
And my tears rolled into the ocean
Now I'm looking for a reason why
You even set my world into motion

'Cause if You're not really here
Then the stars don't even matter
Now I'm filled to the top with fear
That it's all just a bunch of matter
'Cause if You're not really here
Then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to You
Black and gold
Black and gold
Black and gold

I look up into the night sky
I see a thousand eyes staring back
And all around these golden beacons
I see nothing but black

I feel the weight of something beyond them
I don't see what I can feel
If vision is the only validation
Then most of my life isn't real

'Cause if You're not really here
Then the stars don't even matter
Now I'm filled to the top with fear
That it's all just a bunch of matter
'Cause if You're not really here
Then I don't want to be either
I wanna be next to You
Black and gold
Black and gold
Black and gold
-

To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens

2008-06-01T11:48:00.003+10:00

Sufjan Stevens is probably my all time favourite musician.
I love the music and I love the lyrics.

The way he writes is amazing.

A lot of his songs centre around his Christian beliefs, but he does it in such a way that it's not 'Schmistian' (Christian) music. I love it.
Especially this song:

-
To Be Alone With You - Sufjan Stevens
I'd swim across Lake Michigan
I'd sell my shoes
I'd give my body to be back again
In the rest of the room
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you
To be alone with you

You gave your body to the lonely
They took your clothes
You gave up a wife and a family
You gave your ghost
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

To be alone with me
You went up on a tree

I've never known a man who loved me

-

Funbag/Finally

2008-05-29T19:38:00.005+10:00

Because the countdown/up/whatever thing that arrived last time I posted a blog on this topic has gone bonkers, I will do the old fashioned typing thing:

AT THE TIME OF WRITING, IT IS APPROX. 48 MINUTES SINCE JONO LAST POSTED A BLOG.
THAT NUMBER CHANGED TO 49 APPROX. WHEN I WAS WRITING 'SINCE'.

A link: http://fun-bag.blogspot.com/
That is all.

It's now been 50 minutes.

While I procrastinate.

2008-04-28T00:09:00.002+10:00

"Australian-Asian" takes a long time to say, but you can't shorten it to "Australasian" because Australasia is already a thing.

And "Ausian" is too strange a word for people to pronounce universally.

100 Things About eM

2008-04-15T20:27:00.013+10:00

On Ben Chong's orders (I seem to do a bit of blogging on his orders... Bossy) here is a blogitty blog of 100 things about me, Emily.

1. I was born on the 25th of July, 1990. I was alive (in the womb) for about three months of the eighties, so now I can claim that I was alive in the eighties!

2. My name is Emily Kate Wood. I've posted a blog before about what my name means, and how I don't really adore the meaning/s of it, but here's a refresher:
Emily: Rival, Emulating, Striving, Industrious.
Kate (Form of Catherine): Pure.
Wood: ...tree? Probably and ancestor of mine worked with wood.
My middle name, 'Kate', was after our convict ancestor Catherine Kearney. We went to Tasmania to celebrate the 200 year anniversary of her landing (as a convict) in Australia. Woo.

3. I am the youngest of four children. I think I've had a lot of independence to build because of this; I never had to look after a younger sibling, I always had people looking after me.

4. I am an aunty five times. To Eliza, Jesse, Zachariah, Asher, and Baby X. I love being an aunty, even though I do get tired of just 'playing' non-stop.

5. I am generally an arty sort of person. I love to draw and paint. I like to think I'm fairly good at it, but I know I'm not fantastic, because these last few years I've hardly practised at all.

6. I am a Christian. I grew up in a Christian home, which I'm sure contributed a lot to it, but I'm definitely running on my own faith now, rather than my parents'. I feel like I should write more. But there's not much more to it, really. I love God, he loves me, I try to live like Jesus did.

7. My parents split up at the end of 2005. I don't really talk about this much, and it's not something I'd generally post on the World Wide Web, but it's such a large part of my life right now that I don't think I can write a list of 100 things about me without mentioning it.

8. Anyone who knows me will be able to tell you that I'm a horrible procrastinator. It's not something I'm proud of, and I've tried to work on it pretty much all my school life, to no avail.
But I feel like I'm making some sort of progress. It's not just about making a timetable. It's about discipline, and changing your mindset.

9. I am introverted and shy. Used to be extremely so. I'm learning not to be so shy, but I'm still very introverted. I like being introverted.

10. I love music. I used to hate a lot of types of music (i.e. rap, techno, and rnb) but lately I started liking most music. There is still music I don't like, but I enjoy music a bunch more now that I like more music, savvy?
I love getting 'lost' in a song, if you'll allow me to be extremely hackneyed for a moment, but I love the atmosphere a song creates, and the story it tells. I love pretending that my life is a movie and the song playing is part of the soundtrack. Some music makes me cry.

11. I also love movies! I will watch any type of film really, as long as it's made well. I really love films that make you think about things. I love films with good cinematography. I love short films and foreign films.

12. I'm female. Just in case you hadn't picked that up yet.

13. I love grammar and language and words. I love reading about grammar and learning about where our language comes from and how to use it correctly. I love how words have meanings attached to them, and how certain combinations of words can inspire or motivate, give you shivers or fill you with horror.

14. I love graphic design. It makes me as happy as grammar. I don't love bad graphic design. It makes me cringe.

15. I don't have one favourite colour. I just can't choose one, they're all so gosh darn good. I do have favourite colours for different things though. My favourite colour for cucumber is green. My favourite colour for lipstick is not green, etc.

16. I love making other people happy. Sometimes to the point of being a people pleaser and a pushover. This is bad but I'm working on it.

17. When I first started this list, this point read 'I don't drink'. But now, that has changed and I do drink. One time I was stressed out so my mum gave me a beer? Good to see you're teaching me responsible habits, mum.

18. If I had the money and the time, I would be interested in fashion. But I would still shop at op shops a lot. As it is, I don't have the money or the time, most of my shopping is done at op shops and target. Also I think money wasted on expensive brands can be better spent elsewhere.

19. I have never kissed a boy/had a boyfriend. I feel strange writing that? Also, I have never kissed a girl, just to set the record straight. Gettit? Straight? Ahhhaha. Not having kissed anyone is a fact I'm usually proud of. But soon I won't be a teenager anymore, and my 'abstinence of everything to the extreme turned frigidity' is starting to sadden me. Sweet (and sour?) 20. Sigh.

20. I have never been outside Australia, though I have been to every state/territory except for Western Australia.

21. I have a Deviant Art page that I like to post some arty things on.

22. I am 19 years old.

23. I have sung on stage with famous German children's singer Rolf Zuckowski. (ha)

24. I am sad. Often.

25. I can't stand filing my nails

26. I also can't bite my nails. I've tried before, to no avail. They're just too darn thick.

27. Because I've never had a boyfriend, etc, I'm quite afraid of having one.

28. I am the messiest person I know.

29. I drink far too much tea and coffee.

30. I got an A+ for my VCD folio in yr 12. That means I must be awesome.

31. Contrary to number 30, I'm actually not up myself.

32. I started this list when I was 17.

33. I'm extremely indecisive. But learning to be otherwise.

34. It is much easier for me to admit my faults than my good traits.

35. I'm so disorganised. My mind is disorganised.

36. I love acting like a child again.

37. I love hugs.

38. I think love, as in romantic love, is funny. How funny that people love each other. How funny that the people you don't love, are loved by someone else? How funny that some people love you, and others don't? You'd think the odds would be tiny that you would love someone who would love you back.

39. I'm fairly awkward. Sometimes. I have awkward days. But I can laugh at it.

40. I'm a semi-scrunch-folder. I don't scrunch it up into a tight ball, it's more of a messy fold.

41. I detest sea creatures. Except for maybe the simplest of fish.

42. I'm not arachnophobic, but I don't like spiders. Actually, in referance to these last two points, if you are a creature that has less than two legs, or more than four, stay the hell away from me. I don't even want to hear about you.

43. My old church was severely corrupt. Severely. It's not something I generally talk about, though I wish sometimes that it wasn't something 'swept under the rug' like it has been. And by church I also probably mean cult.

44. My family often tells me I'm so much like my dad. Which I hate. Not because I hate my dad, but because they only pick on me for his faults, not his good qualities..

45. I actually AM a lot like my dad. Which is why it's so annoying when my family reiterates that for me.

46. I have no idea where my life is going, and that makes me feel even more scattered and lost and stressed.

47. I love rain. The smell, the sound. It's so relaxing.

47. I'm no stranger to fear. It likes to attack me.

49. I absolutely love writing. I just may study it at Uni. I'm going to write books some day.

50. This year has turned out nothing like I expected or wanted. This point applies to most years since probably I became a teenager.

51. I collect pretty notebooks and journals.

52. I write fanfiction. If you click that link, keep in mind that most of the things were written in my 15-year-old crazy fangirl stage. So. Just laugh a lot. But maybe even just don't click the link. Because, that would embarrass me.

53. I don't think Harry Potter is evil.

54. I like organising things, which clashes a bit with my disorganisation.

55. I'm allergic to animal fur.

56. I don't like olives.

57. I have a mad scar on my chin where I had stitches when I was three.

58. I aspire to one day eat an entire Brendan Burger.

59. I love taking photos.

60. Even if I wanted to do drugs (which I don't) I would have no idea where to get them.

61. I love to volunteer for things. But. Lately, I'm drained.

62. I love spending time with quality people.

63. If I spend too much time with people I don't want to be around, I become extremely drained and depressed.

64. I have an itchy finger. Scratch scratch.

65. I no longer have an itchy finger.

66. My current favourite bible verse is Isaiah 54:10:

Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you.

67. I stand away from the microwave when I'm cooking things.

68. The beach is my favourite place to be. I'm only a little bit of a nature junkie, but when I'm at the beach or in the forest or in the middle of the desert... sigh.

69. This number still makes me giggle like a child on the inside.

70. I have undiagnosed and untreated depression.

71. I failed my Probationary Drivers License test twice. It was both better and worse when I failed the second time, because it wasn't such a shock, but damn it crushes me every time I think about it.

72. I work at Savers in Greensborough. It's like a massive op shop, or a K-Mart where everything is second hand.
I love it, I actually like going to work. Some people think that's weird, but hey, I'd rather be weird than hate my job every day. I'm so grateful for this job.

73. Some days, I freak out at how quickly my life is going. Other days, I can't bare the thought of all these years stretching on and on until I'm old.

74. Family dinners used to be a favourite thing, now I'd say that they're an un-favourite thing.

75. I live with my sister, her husband, and their three children. It doesn't feel like home. My old house has been sold. I have no home.

76. When people drink from drink bottles near me, I get very sudden and violent urges to break things and scream.

77. I love stationery.

78. My life belongs to Jesus.

79. Sometimes I think about how silly that sounds, and then I think of all the things Jesus has done for me, and all the times I've experienced him and his love, and I know that he is real.

80. I passed my third Probationary license test. It was an epic tale or storms and zero visibility and broken traffic lights and a really good-looking tester.

81. I love food almost a little too much.

82. Starting in October 2009 to the present (any hopefully beyond) is my year of zero alcohol. I think I'm doing pretty well. Granted, I didn't drink a lot before this, but I could see where my drinking path was headed and I didn't like it.

83. I don't like to choose best friends. Because friends change so much I think it just adds unnecessary stress on both ends of the relationship. It's all about expectation.

84. I like to think that I 'get it', you know? It's probably just from a life time of introspection, but you know how some people just don't 'get' things? Well, I may be vague and naive, but I 'get' things.

85. I am studying a Bachelor of Creative Arts at Deakin University. My major is Visual Art, and I am doing a minor sequence in Graphic design. Although that doesn't count for anything.

86. I don't get nearly enough sleep, ever.

87. I'm a youth leader at my church and I absolutely love it. I love being able to serve Jesus freely, and I just love the people.

88. At the time of writing this, I will regress to tweeny days and admit that I have a 'crush' on someone. Teehee! But I'll never tell you who.

89. I fall in love with people on public transport. And get really sad when they get off the bus or train before I do.

90. I have never flown in a dream. That I remember. Or had my teeth fall out. Apparently they are both common dreams.

91. I've never been to Boston in the fall.

92. I would like to go and visit some hot desert-y places. Egypt, Morocco, or just the whole Mediterranean or something in the summer.

93. I am not overweight, but I am curvy. I'm sick of all the regular sized clothes being made for one body type: The Stick. Any search for more curve-friendly clothes always lands me in the plus size section or store, which I am emphatically not. It annoys me.

94. I'm an observer. Like I said, yes, maybe I'm vague, and I don't often observe the important things, but all the little details are stored in filing cabinets in my brain.

95. I want you to know how precious you are.

96. I just want someone to hold me.

97. It's a long, self-absorbed process, writing 100 things about yourself. I have enjoyed it, and been frustrated, and run out of things to say, and then found things to say, over and over again.

98. I am really paranoid when I cook chicken. Like, really. I'm surprised I never burn it, I cook it so long, and I wash my hands a million times and wipe the bench lots throughout the whole process.

99. I have some really amazing friends in my life, and I love them, and it's taken me a long time to get to this point where I enjoy my friends and their company, not just try to be everything for them.

100. I believe I can flyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! (Like, on a jet plane or something, or I could get like 3 feet of air that time)

Donejamin. It's been almost 3 years. Maybe 2 and a half. You should write a list, too. You'll probably beat my time though.

OH- Freude! Freude! Freude!

2008-04-09T08:28:00.004+10:00

Schließlich! Ich kann dieses bekanntgeben.

Meine Schwester wird ein Baby haben!

Wort.
Frieden heraus, yo.

A blog because.

2008-04-07T22:34:00.003+10:00

This is a blog post mainly because I was sick of seeing the green solitaire picture... it clashes with my layout.

Anyway, now I'm stuck with finding something interesting to blog about, which is not that hard really, but all the things I want to blog about are either only interesting to me, or are more the sort of things you would write in a diary, rather than posting them on the Internet for everyone to read.

I will tell you about my iPod - because I'm ever so sure you want to hear about it. Also it was the first object to come to mind.

I bought my iPod from ebay, using my sister Holly's account. It cost me roughly $180 for a 40GB Photo iPod.
It was my most expensive Christmas present and I bought it myself. How very... sad? Not sad that I didn't get expensive presents, but sad that I didn't get anyone else expensive presents... anyway.

It was refurbished, which is sort of like used but not.

I named my iPod, during a silly mood one day, 'DJ PhatPod Chunky' due to its fat and chunky nature, and its ability to play what we generally call music.

My iPod has a battery life of about negative 3 hours, which is really inconvenient.
I do exaggerate though, but it only lasts a few hours before informing me (when the battery meter is still quite full) that my iPod has no battery power left, and I need to connect it to a power source.

I have fully reset and wiped my iPod once. Because it decided to go all spaz and not turn on properly.

Josh frequently borrows my iPod to listen to in his car. Once he took it without asking and I told him off. A little.

I do not love my iPod; it is an inanimate object. But it is nice to be able to listen to music when DJ's battery permits.

Solitary glitch.

2008-04-04T16:22:00.006+11:00

Umm... so... this is frustrating.

Care to elaborate, Microsoft?

Tasmania and the happy-haps.

2008-04-04T14:53:00.002+11:00

This is very overdue... but here is a post on all things Tassie and Emily!

Tasmania
I went to Tasmania on the 29th February for the weekend for a giant family reunion party type thing.
A family reunion in Tasmania... awkward, no?
Anyway, we were celebrating 200 years since our convict ancestor, Catherine Kearney, came to Aussieland from Ireland. My mum organised a fair portion of the event, so for the past several months there's been lots of family trees and books and mum getting excited about anything Irish or to do with convicts and Australian settlement.
The weekend was like this:

-Friday
Caught a plane early in the morning. I love flying. It's fantastic, especially when it's cloudy. I feel like Mario except that there are no coins to collect.

We couldn't check into the hotel until the afternoon so we walked around the CITY of Hobart. The CITY. We caught up with my Dad's friend who used to go to our church, then we went to the movies and saw The Bucket List. It was fair good. But not so good that I would add it to a list of favourite movies.

We stayed at the Old Woolstore Hotel. It was pretty good. I haven't stayed in that many hotels but it was one of the better ones I've stayed in.

Friday night was the first event, we had a cocktail party (there were NO cocktails. What? Disappointing) and the Mayor of Tassie was there. He made a speech. Woo.
After that Josh and I walked around with our cousins trying to find a bottle shop. Pretty much everything was closed. ON A FRIDAY NIGHT. IN THE CITY. AT LIKE 8:30.
They found one eventually and stocked up on alchomahol, then we went to our cousins' hotel room and played drinking games. I drank water, so to make it more interesting they made me drink a whole glass of water instead of having a sip of booze.

-Saturday
Market!
Markets are great, I love them.
There were a few buskers who were pretty good too.

Saturday afternoon I walked all around Hobart looking at the shops and stuff. It didn't take very long.

Saturday night we had a ball! In the town hall, it was pretty cool. It was a convicts and settlers ball, Craig Petty was the only one who went as a convict.
It was fun walking down the street back to the hotel. In a ball gowns and tops hats and tails.
Went to our cousins' hotel room again after that. More drinking games. I drank lots of water again.

-Sunday
Sunday morning I caught up with Matt Mason which was fun, and he showed me where he goes to Uni and stuff.

Sunday arvo was a family picnic and a tour around an old old property thing.
Then we went back to my mum's cousin's house for my mum's 50th birthday. Fun fun fun. She's old.

Plane home, end!

I swear I watched Pirates of the Caribbean about 8 times. But it was only halves of it at a time. It was showing on repeat in our hotel rooms, so whenever I wasn't doing anything - Pirates!
As much as I love to make fun of it, Tasmania is a really nice place generally. Well, Hobart is. I would move there if I didn't want to stay here.

Emily
My name is Emily!
Since beach mission, I have done: School, school, school, church, school x a million.
I was sick for five weeks after mission. Then got sick again. Then got fired. Then quit. Then got sick again. Then decided to have a panic attack the other day.

Anyway, apart from feeling scattered, and being sick and tired and exhausted for most of this year, it's been pretty good. This year is the first year I've really seen people after beach mission. I suppose because before that I was just a little team kid, there wasn't anyone my age.

I promise I'll find something more exciting to blog about later.

Life is hard.

2008-03-28T18:23:00.002+11:00

Dare I say it again?
Life is hard.

This week in the milky way...

2008-03-20T22:27:00.008+11:00

Catch up with your favourite interplanetary characters, Daaa-vid and Em! Featuring Ben Chong!

This week we look into electorate issues, the tourism industry, strange flues and their cures, and Tasmania...

(white noise)

(found signal)

BEGIN TRANSMISSION

David says:

scooby?

Emily - says:

dooby doo?

David says:

where are you?

Emily - says:

jupiter, naturally.

David says:

oh, i was there this afternoon. the weather was much better there

Emily - says:

yeah it's nice this time of year

David says:

and the food is so cheep cause the jupiterites don't eat it

Emily - says:

and that big spot thing is a great tourist attraction, it's amazing to see close up.

David says:

true, but it's got all commercial now. to see true jupiterite culture you have to go to the other side and hire a bike

Emily - says:

true that. me and my travelling buddy were going to try that out last time we went to jupiter, but she came down with a bad case of that horrible jupiter flu thing, forget what it's called, nasty though.

David says:

yeah nasty that. my friend once had it for a week. got so delerous he thought he was a tonka truck

Emily - says:

oooh, that must have been hard to handle.

David says:

yeah, he kept making us push him around the sand pit making engine noises.

Emily - says:

ha, bet you got a lot of strange looks. how'd you cure it? the usual? or was it one of those new fancy trial things?

David says:

just the usual, we ran his head under cold water while the temptations played and the reinacted his favourate moment from disneys snow white

Emily - says:

ahhh yeah. snow white eh? that's an unusual one, that. usually it's sleeping beauty or cinderella. i've heard the rarest one is beauty and the beast. snow white is still pretty rare though. apparently the snow white ones lose thier eyelashes after treatment. did your friend lose his? they're ment to be valuable.

David says:

no, he did have eyelashes to begin with. that is why we chose snow white. they loose their eyelashes, but it's fastest

Emily - says:

i see..

David says:

how did you cure your friend? or did it not get past the scaring it out of them stage?

Emily - says:

you know I didn't really end up finding out. thruth is we had a bad argument just before she got sick. she was so sick they had to send her to one of the moons for treatment. it was one of those new trial things so i think she got paid for it. she mentioned something about it not hurting and something about bathing in liquid carbon dioxide. but i haven't, er, really spoken to her for long since.

David says:

was that the trial that got shut down cause, will curing the patients, after a week they all turned into cumquats?

Emily - says:

nah, that was the one with the anti matter. i think that was the moon on the other side. very eccentric scientists and doctors over that part.

David says:

well you can't help but be a little eccentric when you have two head and are constantly break dancing. Did they ever figure out how to fix the gravity on the side?

Emily - says:

haha, no. they just sort of tried to cover it up. didn't do a bad job either. turned it into some sort of amusement park type thing. it fuels half their funding.

David says:

i'd think so, you can get some mad head spins when you have two

Emily - says:

yeah, bet the tasmanians would have the time of their lives! if they could afford a trip to jupiter... or anywhere for that matter... unfortunate really, poor things.

David says:

(much laughter!) yeah, they tried to get an appeal going for that, but it never got off the ground. i don't think they should have used an exercution as the main attraction

Emily - says:

indeed. they really don't get it do they? I do feel kinda sorry for them though, I mean, it's not ALL their fault. the interplanetary goals and needs assosciation and fund really screwed them over

David says:

i know, when we all got a big bag with a dollar sign on it. they got a potato chip.

Emily - says:

poor little fellas... oh well, not like we can do much. ben chong's had a hard enough time just getting 'tassie aid' off the ground. there's a lot of red tape to get though. Africa was easy compared to this. how about that though? who would have thought that the very first interplanetary minister/adjudicator/whatever they're called would have been from earth! and african at that, and ben chong personally sponsered him when he was a child! I mean, talk about climbing the ranks!

David says:

and you know he feels for the tasmanians. just think of the quote after he visited hobart, "i know my mother was eaten my a hippo when i was 6, and my brother tryed to kill me for food till i was 15, but you tasmanians have it truly hard"

Emily - says:

that went down in history, that quote! famous.

David says:

i think it may have been that quote that won him the election

Emily - says:

yeah. good bloke, really. i'm glad that slimy looking guy from pluto didn't win. didn't like the looks of him, he was all shifty and suspicious.

David says:

and i didn't believe for a second that those photos of him kicking puppies with interglatic mob bosses were doctored. he just got busted!

Emily - says:

pretty much. i know a photoshopped image when i see one, and THAT was real. VERY real. you know, they tried to pay me out to keep it hush hush when I was called in to study the image. i think that pretty much proves it, speaks for itself. haha, should've taken the pay out though and said it was a fake. they offered a LOT of money. and meteor points as well, being the avid fan that i am. but oh well, i couldn't really. lie to the whole galaxy? i just couldn't.

David says:

you could have taken the money, then refuse to release a statement. then put the money towards tassie aid

Emily - says:

yeah i suppose, but if i refused to tell the public that the photo was faked then i'd pretty much be on bad terms with all of pluto. which i suppose doesn't seem that bad, but they're pretty vicious, plutonians. i think they're bitter about the whole not-being-a-planet-anymore thing. pretty proud creatures they were.

David says:

yeah, they sure took that hard. they didn't talk to anyone for a month. (that's a pluto month, which is like 5 years). Then they introduced the plutonian club card making it well imbarassing to visit pluto with out one. the plutonains in tourism did not like that (not that the plutonian tourst trade was that big).

definatly not a race you want ticked off at you.

Emily - says:

yeah. i told the minister to keep the photo of the dog kicking as quiet as possible. the plutionians already knew i was inspecting it and I didn't want them all angry if it was made really public. glad he kept it quiet in the end. good man. didn't defame his opponent just to win an election. he had it in the bag though really. OH gotta go! out.

David says:

Em, you are much fun! we must do this more

Emily - says:

ahh, indeed, i think it is a best way of conversing.

Emily - says:

over and out!

David says:

over and out!

END TRANSMISSION
(lost signal)
(white noise)

Tune in next time to see what wacky adventures our funny little bloggers get up to!

P.S. Best conversation ever? Or did you really have to be there?

P.P.S. I'll blog about Tasmania for REAL soon, too much procrastination has been going on, but now it's holidays.

P.P.P.S. Happy Easter and stuff, kiddies!

P.P.P.P.S. Hey Jesus, thanks for dying for us and everything... I mean, it sounds like I'm joking right now, but I'm not... I could write something that sounds more meaningful, but I don't think mere English words, as powerful as they can be, could ever repay what did for all of us. Ta, buddy.

Exemplary Notepad of Significant Importance?

2008-02-22T16:18:00.000+11:00

Tired. Old. Cliché

2008-02-10T20:42:00.001+11:00

I have been thinking a lot lately, as I often do, about God, church and Christianity, what I do/don't like about it all, and how it fits in to my life.
One of my biggest problems/annoyances with all that stuff at the moment is clichés. I find that church, a lot of the time, is always the same thing over and over again. We go there, we sing some songs, do tithes and offering, someone preaches, and that's the end. And it seems that every song, every preacher uses the same tired old clichés, the same 'christianised' phrases. I'm over it. I want more.

I'm not saying that those things we do all the time, those clichés, have no validation, but it seems that we only describe God one way, we only see him one way.
Growing up in a Christian home, I've heard it all. Everything is tired and overused. And I want something more than applying different positive adjectives to my eternal saviour.

You would think, that with God having created the whole world... with God creating everything... with God being everything... that we'd have more than this cliché view of him... God is eternally multi-faceted, so why is it that we only ever have things to say like 'you are holy' 'hallelujah' 'grace' 'mercy' 'falling to my knees' 'God you are this, you are that...' etc...

Words, I really love words, and what they can do, but they're just not enough for me.
If God is so much, then why is this all we have?
Why do we always have to worship through singing at church?
There are endless ways to express our love (or hate?) for God, because he is endless.

I'm so tired of going to church, and singing the same rewritten lyrics to a new tune and then hearing a sermon that I've usually heard something like before.

Once again, I'm not saying that those things are wrong, but I want something different, something more. I want to really know this endless God, I want to know him like I haven't known him before.
And really, I'm so excited, because there is so much to explore and learn about Him. What I know is only a fraction of a fraction of a fraction of a fraction, etc...
Everything I know right now can't be it, it can't be. And that is what gives me hope.

Psalm Number Emily.

2008-02-08T21:16:00.001+11:00

This is the Psalm I wrote when Ben Wilson ran TNT at Beach Mission this year. I've been meaning to post it for a while, but I kept putting it off because I wasn't sure if I wanted to... actually now I'm thinking that I don't want to again.

Okay, I will post it.
Some of it might only make sense to me/some of it is very metaphorical.

Oh Lover, it's been years.
That time so long ago,
I drowned in you.

Oh Lord, how long has it been,
Since I saw your face shining down on me?

I wonder, if you wouldn't like to take my hand;
We'd walk, we'd sing, we'd dance.

Oh God, something rests heavy on my soul.
What weighs heavy is the want, the need to feel you.

I want to dry their tears, Lord;
I wonder if you wouldn't stop me drowning in my own.
I want to see them dance, Lord,
and I wonder, if just this time,
You wouldn't like to hold my hand;
We'd walk, we'd sing, we'd dance.

-

Possibly the best day of my life.

2008-02-03T11:07:00.001+11:00

Mere words can not express my euphoria.
This face will do.

End.

Poker Night Apology

2008-02-01T22:53:00.001+11:00

I feel like I need to apologise for poker night for some reason.
I don't think I need to, per se, but I want to.

So, I am sorry, for the terribly bad poker party.
I am sorry because we never played poker, and people got drunk and were stupid, and Stu's friends came over, and the pancakes didn't work, and Josh slept in, and the atmosphere was horrible.

None of those things are directly my fault... except maybe the pancakes, although I vote we blame the pan. Non-stick my arrrrse.
As I was saying (typing), none of these things are directly my fault, but I feel like I should apologise for the whole thing just because I was half 'hosting' the party.

To get over the crappiness of the party, let's re-live some highlights.
-'Raving' to SNACK music!
-Fireworks
-Fire
-Laughing
-Glowsticks (Oh, and thanks Chongy for bringing most of them. Champion. Even though everyone took them all)
-Ruth (Why is Ruth a highlight? Because Ruth is awesome, and she changed the atmosphere when she was there)
-Brendan dancing
-Sober people

In short, I'm sorry it was crap, one day we'll have a better get together. We'll sing songs spin stories love laugh and drink wine.
Possibly without the wine.
I vote no alcohol.

Phillip Island

2008-01-30T18:45:00.000+11:00

Well, this is not the most exciting thing I have to blog about, but I'm going to blog about it anyway.

Just got back yesterday from Cowes where we (being myself and church people) rented the bottom story of a house for three days and two nights.
I learnt many things, and it was a nice little holiday before school, but not the best. Here is the list of Wins and Fails (is anyone else getting mighty sick of those words?)

Wins
Beach.
It's a holiday, what more can I say?
It was cheap.
No one was hurt.
I now have my iPod = music in the car.
Ice cream.

Fails
I didn't really know some of the people very well, which can be considered a win because I got to know them a little.
Lots of behaviour similar to that of poker night, but not as bad.
I couldn't breathe half of the time.
One of the guys had some issues or something, then someone sent him over the top and he disappeared for hours.

It was nicer after some of the people left on the second day because they had work and stuff. So there were less people and I like that.
I didn't really help that two of the guys like the same girl so they were always sort of competing, politely. And making mean jokes. Again, politely.

This blog is very boring for anyone to read.
But I just did it so that I could link it to my other blog.

Something New Update.

2008-01-26T15:47:00.000+11:00

http://ilearntsomethingneweveryday.blogspot.com/

Something New.

2008-01-22T17:49:00.000+11:00

This year, one of my 'resolutions' is to test the age old saying 'you learn something new every day' by writing down something new I learn every day.

I thought about making a new blog to post all the things I learn in, and maybe I still will, but if I do then I won't be able to really commit to it much. So for now I'll post interesting things that I learn.

1st January, 2008:
Be wary of things that melt.
I had a tub of Vaseline in my bag... along with my nice new diary I bought to write what I learn in.
Bad idea. My favourite t-shirt is ruined.

8th January, 2008:
It's fun to smoosh your hands in fruit salad.
That's right, you all ate that fruit salad, while Lisa and I had fun making it.

11th January, 2008:
I love bush dancing.
I always used to say that I hated bush dancing, but tonight we had a bush dance and I loved it!

18th January, 2008:
Coca Cola used to contain cocaine.
Only small amounts, but look it up, it's true.

20th January, 2008:
'Chic' is pronounced 'sheek'.
That could have been embarrassing; had I ever had to say 'chic' out loud, I would have said 'chick'.

Well, there are some things I've learnt this year. Now I'm off to learn some more.

Peninsula SUFM 2008

2008-01-20T10:17:00.000+11:00

I never know how to start a blog, so this is my introduction to my blog about beach mission.
Okay, got that out of the way.

Beach mission this year was... good. This was the first year I didn't have my mum on team, and I was surprised that the only difference it made is that I didn't have anyone to scam money off.
This year is also the first time I was an 'official' leader because the other years I was too young, even though I did all the same things.
It felt strange to realise that I was a proper leader, I guess I still sort of feel like a team kid sometimes.

I had a lot more fun this year than other years I think, because of the people on team. There were loads of quality people this year, so that was fun, but the relationships with some team members were also what made my mission really bad.
I'm usually fairly easy going, but there were some people on team who I had to avoid so that I didn't crack it. But I won't really go in to that.

One of the things that really kept me going was time alone with God. If we didn't have that half an hour I don't think I would survive. I can get so frustrated being around so many people all the time, so TAWG was a life saver, and it's something that I want to keep doing in my daily life.

I was in the little teens group this year, which I love, but they're so annoying sometimes.
They were so easily excited and loud, it was hard to run any sort of planned program just because of the way they act, we also never expected to have such big numbers of them.
But they're fun to be around, and although whenever we tried to do something central to God they just made jokes or avoided it, I think we built some good relationships and foundations for later years.

What I love about mission, besides the relationships with the team and families, is the way we live. I love the simplicity of it, and I love that I don't need many things to live. I remember at one point getting dressed in the morning and looking at all the clothes I brought, I didn't even wear some of them, I didn't need half the stuff that I took on mission with me.
I would love to live like that every day. Sure, it's nice to have some luxuries now and then, but we don't need them.
I can't really get out what I'm trying to say properly, so if you understand then tell me so.

This simplicity is one of the reasons I didn't want to come home, back to a complicated life where I'll probably just get addicted to luxuries again. I also didn't want to listen to people complain about stupid trivial things which they seem to do a lot in this society.

And my asthma on mission was non-existent.
Now I'm home I can't breathe.

Post Mission Blues -
This year, there aren't really any PMB. I'm not exactly sure why this is, I thought maybe it was because of Matt's goodbye party--we got to see people so soon after. But even now the PMB still haven't really come.
Last year I nearly cried on the way home, this year was just 'meh'.

Overall, it was a good mission. One of my best and worst at the same time.

Merry Christmas/Happy New Year

2007-12-25T00:17:00.002+11:00

-

So this is to you,
To the things that you have seen
To the person you helped me be.
And the places you and I have been.

To the way things change with every turn of the earth
And the way you showed me just what I am worth.

To your beautiful soul;
More precious than anything you could ever imagine.
More precious than anything you could hold.
So frail and mighty and beautiful.
If only you could see.

To who you are,
Your questions and thoughts and fears and dreams
Your hope, flickering, dwindles and gleams.

And to the way i saw your face in front of mine;
Oh you were hidden in the light

The way you reached in to the darkness, surrounding me.
And the way your light reached in to my being.

Dark and light
Intertwined
To bring a day
That follows night.

To you
I drink to you

This night
With closed eyes
I'll whisper
Whisper your name to the day.

-

Matt Corby

2007-12-17T09:26:00.000+11:00

Ahem:

Matt Corby hugged me.

Matt Corby

2007-11-26T01:04:00.000+11:00

Okay, so just to get the truth out there: I am a Matt Corby fan. An avid fan.
In case any one doesn't know, Matt is the runner up for this year of Australian Idol.
I know, he's a pretty boy, and normally I don't like the pretty boys, but I love Matt Corby.

Some people at my church used to play in a band with him, and he's coming to perform at our church's carols service (I forgot to get tickets) and my friend is singing backup for him. Very jealous. Not really. Actually very happy.

Matt Corby came second! Which is good because then he doesn't have to conform to mainstream the way the record label would make him.

I want to marry him. So does Josh... !?

Matt Corby sings Bedouin Song

Matt Corby sings The Blower's Daughter

That's all I have to say about that.

2007-11-16T16:23:00.000+11:00

I wrote this for my English exam.
Oh how I love creative writing for exams.
Although it's missing most of its rhythmical metre...
It was something to do with context studies, and we had to do it on future worlds.

I don't know what my future holds for me.
Though I prefer to hope it's something fine.
I wonder, some days, just what I will be.
I wonder also what things will be mine.

The stories tell us that it's to be feared;
That hope will dissolve right before our eyes.
In all those stories, as the future neared,
Despair seemed to falling from the skies.

I pray my future holds me oh so tight,
And keeps me safe from things with evil face.
I plead with my future to get things right:
"Set a simple course, with a pleasant pace!"

Embrace the days that we have up ahead,
Would you rather repeat the past instead?

2007-11-16T16:22:00.001+11:00

You grew like a flower
From an ambitious
Little seed
Shower, water, shower!
Shower me 'til
I am freed

You grew like a flower
A thing of beauty
Shining bright
Tower higher, tower
What a picture!
What a sight!

You flew like a flower
Which doesn't
Make much sense
Cower, and then cower
Waiting in
Black suspense

You flew like a flower
That's confusing
In itself
Power drawing power
Drinking to
Evil wealth

You died like a flower
Lost and gone
From this world
Hour after hour
We watched as
Your leaves curled

You died like a flower
Faded in
To the dirt
Flower, little flower
Can we undo
All the hurt?

2007-11-16T16:20:00.000+11:00

Of these things I do complain:
Abundant earth and lack of rain.
Arrows, for answers, I shoot in vain.
Falling short miss their target, again, again.
I don't understand--these things leave stain:
The lack of valour, abundant pain.

Overexposed.

2007-11-11T22:01:00.001+11:00

I've been
Overexposed
To the poison you breed,
This Beast,
You bleed in to me.
My tear stained face can't hold your lies.
Turn over,
See:
Not this filthy compromise,
No,
It's naked truth
That you despise.

-

The Mask.

2007-10-22T23:17:00.000+10:00

The Mask. The best of us all wear a mask at some point in our lives, some more than others.
We cover up our feelings, our mistakes, our secrets with these masks, so that the people around us can't see them. They only see the Mask, beautifully decorated but false nonetheless.
The Mask is a safe haven for many. The Mask gives the appearance of our lives to others the way we wish them to see it. But the Mask can be so dangerous. It covers up things that you never knew it could cover up, and when people can't see past the Mask, they can't see you. They don't really know you. All they know is the Mask you've been holding on to for so long. What happens when you get tired of holding up the Mask? What happens when you let go?

Maybe you're scared that they'll think you're ugly without the Mask, the beautifully crafted and cared for Mask, stripped bare, back down to you.
Is it the fear of what's under the Mask that prevents people from revealing their true selves?

Masks, whilst blocking you from view and judgement, also obscure your vision. Peripheral vision is cut off and all you see is the ugly inside of the Mask.
The Mask not only blinds other people, but it blinds you.
It blinds others into thinking you're something, someone you're not, whether good or bad. But it blinds you into obsession. All you can see and focus on are the things you're trying to cover up, which leads to you only feeling worse, not better about the image you project. It blinds your view of the world, because you don't see it, or other people as they are, you see them from your skewed position behind the mask.

The Mask is both friend and enemy. And getting attached is hard; it gets harder and harder to let go the longer you hold up the Mask, and it will be, inevitably, painful to pry the mask from your weary hidden face.

It's scary, letting go. I suppose the best we can hope for is that others will like what's under the mask, and if they don't, perhaps they will acknowledge us as creators of the Mask, an art form at best.

We should none of us judge what's under anyone's mask, remembering that we all have our own masks from time to time.

Blogland.

2007-10-16T15:53:00.000+10:00

On orders from Benchong Town, I am writing a blog.
But the thing is, see the thing is, the thing is, see the thing is I don't know what to blog about.
(A cookie for anyone who just got the Lano & Woodley reference.)

So I will just talk about myself for a while. Actually, here is a list of stuff:
1. I started writing a book the other day. Awesome.
2. I have too much homework and I am slack. I'm probably going to fail 3/4 studio arts but that's my teacher's fault; he's never there, and when he is he never ceases talking about totem poles.
3. Crispy Potato flavoured 'In a Biscuit' biscuits taste nice if you think of roast potato, but feral when you think of raw potato.
4. Grace asked me to design the t-shirts for mission, and I'm scared they'll be crap. Any preferences for colour out there?
5. I am very sleepy.
6. My friend came home from India for a month! We're going to have ice cream before she goes back again.
7. I don't want to finish my list on such an un-rounded number.
8. The Milo is all gone.
9. I have to work tonight and I don't want to.
10. I suck at blob this round.

Another 3 things.

2007-09-24T10:34:00.000+10:00

Thing 1.
Don't see Superbad. It's super bad.

Thing 2.
Went to one of those parties on Saturday where people just get drunk, hook up, and dance.
I don't drink or hook up, but I did dance with Hannah and Esther and people from youth which was fun, especially since I'm not generally a dancing person. This is where thing 3 took place.

Thing 3.
It was one of the guys from youth who had the party so half of my youth group was there and one of my smallgroup girls hooked up with the DJ which freaked me out a little but oh well, her decision. After a while she went outside to make a phone call and it just so happened that the DJ went outside too to have a smoke. Problem was we didn't know that, and I was worried because I know things about her past and no one could find either of them inside or outside, plus if anything happened to her I would feel responsible, even though it's not legally my responsibility.
She eventually reappeared, but then one of the other youth leaders went over to talk to her about it and she told me later that he was swearing his head off at her and telling her that she shouldn't be making out with guys and that if she goes somewhere she still needs to tell us even if it's a party. He was just belittling her and way overstepping the line.

Anyway, he made her cry and she never wants to come to church or youth again. She thinks everyone hates her, but they don't. I'm very angry. Because that was not his place, even if it was he should not speak to her, or anyone else like that.
I am so angry.

Fairytale.

2007-09-13T00:29:00.000+10:00

Life is not a fairytale, is it? I'm just having a sad realization, that's all.

The good guy doesn't always win.
I guess I've always been an optimist... which isn't a bad thing really. In my mind things will always just work out, and they usually do just work out in reality. Usually. The good guy usually wins in my life, even through all the crap.

But for some people it doesn't.
Sometimes it's hard for me to comprehend all the bad stuff in the world.
It makes me sad. I want to cry for those people who have nothing... the people who the bad guy always wins over...

I'm a pretty hopeful person most of the time. I wonder what it feels like to lose all your hope... hopeless...
I have a friend who scorns at people who are depressed, or hate life, or commit suicide, because she does not understand.

I've never been in that constant state of pure despair and hopelessness, but I can understand why people whould rather stop living...

James Blunt on Sesame Street.

2007-08-25T19:47:00.000+10:00

HA. I am not a fan of James Blunt, but I am a fan of this:

Minesweeper guy.

2007-08-12T17:14:00.000+10:00

Look how cool this picture is that I made.

It moves!
It is my contribution to the various minesweeper blogs that seem to be going around. Be careful it's contagious.

A blog of three things.

2007-08-07T23:36:00.000+10:00

This is a blog of three things. They are all unrelated, but through this blog they will marry, and become one.

Thing 1:
Surrender.

Surrender is a conference I went to for Vetamorphus, which is exciting I suppose. B.C. also went to this conference, which is an upside. Or is it a downside because he is smelly? Who knows?
I was half asleep the entire weekend. Literally falling off my chair. I think if I had not been so tired, I would have enjoyed Surrender a whole lot more. It was inspiring, what I managed to get out of it, and it was about poverty and things like that, and the need for us to change the world.

That's a very bad description, but I really can't offer anything more. Pester Chongface for betterness because he was probably awake.

I've been having some conversations (mostly with Ben Chongtown) recently about poverty and the like, and doing something for the world.

I have decided that my two 'issues' that I'm most passionate about are:

-Suicide, depression, and homelessness in Australian teens etc...
-Poverty outside of Australia.

I need to do something, but at the moment my issue is that I don't know exactly what to do. I've said that for the rest of the year, I'm going to do any clothes shopping at op shops, but that is more something I'm doing to change myself, not others' situations.
I had this random idea at work tonight that I could design and sell t-shirts, and donate some of the money to charity, and invest the rest of the money to make more t shirts to sell for charity. It's a baby of an idea yet, but it has me excited.

I'm looking forward to this journey of doing... well, something.

Thing 2:
Conversation.

Today at school, I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine. We always have interesting conversations. Anyway, we were talking about The Lost Tomb of Jesus, or whatever that show was called that was on last night, and she asked me what I would do if they found something that proved that my whole religion was a lie. That the bible had been made up, that Jesus was a terrorist (random?).

I honestly don't know what I'd do if something like that happened. I'd like to think that my faith is strong enough for me to believe even if they found 'evidence' of Christianity's falseness.
My whole like has been built around God. I grew up in a Christian home, I've made the choice for myself to follow Jesus... but what if all I stood for was just taken from me? I wouldn't know who I was... So much of my life is built on God, partly because when I've built my life on other people they've broken my trust and let me fall.

But what would you do if you found out that it was all a lie?

Thing 3:
Note.

I was leaving a comment on someone's blog, I hadn't signed in, and the little box on the left said 'Choose an identity'.

I thought it was funny the way it just says 'Choose and identity'.
Imagine if you could do that in real life. Just choose whatever identity whenever you wanted to.

I feel as if this blog is badly written, but I don't care. I'm tired.

17

2007-07-25T00:07:00.000+10:00

Harry Potter

2007-07-24T00:51:00.000+10:00

I finished reading the book.

I will not give anything away in case any avid HP fan who has not yet read the 7th book reads this... But I will say that I liked it. I was worried, as I always am with final books, that the ending would be a let down in some way or other. It was not. My only disappointment was that the book didn't go for longer. And that blank didn't blank in to a blank.
That is all.

YouYube/TouTube

2007-07-23T00:25:00.000+10:00

Watch them, my children...

Supar Marios Parondies

Demetri Martin

Po-wet-tree.

2007-07-19T15:56:00.001+10:00

Here is a collection of short poems that make little, or no sense. I wrote most of them last night when I was half asleep and delusional.

I am.
I am half of what I need to be
None of what I want to be
Everything of what you see
Nothing of what is not me

---

Ingrained in my memory
What started as a tiny seed
Has now become a mustard tree
...metaphorically.

---

Last night I thought I was going to die
I woke up this morning and I was fine
I dreamed about the old dirt road
That distant place of you and I...

---

You are.
You are this
You are that
I told you
To eat my hat

You are good
You are bad
Will you remember
The fun we had?

You are funny
You are boring
I lay awake all night
Listening to you snoring

You are red
You are green
The blacks, the whites
And in between

You are a cake
You are a carrot
You are the cracker
I fed my parrot

You are mine
You are theirs
But I know you think
That no one cares

You are the rain
You are the sun
The planets, the moons
And stars overrun

You are cold
You are warm
Just never normal
So I am torn

You are you
You are them
Stop this nonsense
I'm going to bed

You are the break
You fixed my heart
You stop and start it
You pull it apart

You are the reason I am
You are the reason I will be
The reason I was
And all that I see

You are passionate
You are passion fruit
I don't think you know
That I adore you

You are given
You are taken
Through it all
You remain unshaken

You are my sister
You are my brother
You're not related
To my father or my mother

You are the city
You are the hills
You are the place
Where a little bit kills

You are deceitful
You're full of lies
Now I know
Why you don't lock eyes

You are beautiful
You are ugly
You're never enough
The circle of society

You are in tune
You are way out
Remember, to play
'Keep those lips in a pout!'

You are dishonest
You so true
There's no gray area
In black and blue

You are the reason I frown
You are the reason I cry
The plea of the fledgling
I'm going to fly

---

Wedding!

2007-07-15T12:28:00.000+10:00

My beautiful sister Bree was married to my new brother Nathan yesterday. Bree Morel, as she is now known.

The wedding was at Immerse, which is some vineyard thing in the Yarra Valley. It was very cold because the ceremony was in a barn with no heaters. Poor bridesmaids, in our dresses, freezing.

That is not my beautiful sister Bree. That is my beautiful sister Josh.

Aww...

Bridal partay.

It was a good wedding, Nath cried when Bree was walking down the aisle, how shweet. The reception was warmer, inside with food. Yum. I was embarrassing when they introduced the bridal party, and when they made the speeches due to the constant references of 'Emily is the most eligible bachelorette,' 'Emily is single,' 'Anyone over 20, stay away.' Gaaahhh. Constant references of 'Emily is the next to get married.

It was funny but gee whiz, settle down, tiger. Only 16 yet, stop pressuring me to get hitched.

It was good to see a whole lot of people I haven't seen for a while, i.e. Family friends, old churchyurchy* people, a few beach mission folks, good to see some family, annoying to see other family.
I can't really think of anything else to write that would be interesting.
Although when they were leaving, I said goodbye to Nath, and all he said was 'Giggidy giggidy!'

Bree is married.
Sigh.

*I wrote churchyurchy, Chongface.

Vetamorphus.

2007-07-10T00:49:00.000+10:00

I am torn... and slightly angry/annoyed/inconvenienced.

We have a list of dates for Vetamorphus. Last term they changed the date of the retreat and didn't tell me until about the week before. I had stuff to do that weekend. They've done it again.

It was meant to be in the middle of August, but instead they've changed it to the weekend of July 25th-27th.

Reasons why this annoys me:
It is my birthday on the 25th, so any celebrations I will have I will want to have on that weekend.
It is my friend Cecily's birthday on the 27th, and she is doing a performance things for her school that she is inviting everyone to.
It is snow day for youth on the 28th, and also Jono's birthday.
It's likely that I'll be on cafe at church because I'll probably miss this Sunday.
Bree gets back from her honey moon sometime that weekend.
July has been a full enough and busy enough month anyway and I cannot handle the stress.

Stupid Veta. I like you, but why do you have to be so damn unorganised?
Am I being hypocritical? Probably. But I am unorganised at my own expense usually, not other peoples'.

Sigh.

Central - 25 things

2007-07-08T23:46:00.000+10:00

Hooooome! Although I wish I was still there.
Here are 25 things I did on Central.

1. Climbed Uluru
2. Met Cecily on Uluru
3. Saw Cecily at three different places
4. Held a crocodile
5. Swam under a waterfall
6. Slept under the stars
7. Discovered that 3.14* goes to DCC
8. Rode on a bus for nearly 10,000km
9. Saw Aboriginies fighting and no one doing anything about it
10. Was attacked as a group by a group of Aboriginies
11. Watched the sun set on the beach
12. Celebrated N.T. day at Mindal Beach night market
13. 'Swam' with 'crocodiles'
14. Relaxed in hot springs
15. Swam under spider webs
16. Held a snake
17. Rode a camel
18. Drove through backburning
19. Had an op-shop formal
20. Got drawn on while sleeping
21. Spent hours on top of Stuart (The HWY, people!)
22. Chipped my tooth on a humbug
23. Avoided cracking it or crying.
24. Climbed Kings Canyon
25. Got sick

(*Kimberley Pye)

Highlight: Most things on that list. Also waking up in the middle of the night on the first overnight bus trip in to a shadowy land of neverending desert.
Lowlight: My friends. Pshhht.
Interesting: Being attacked.

Goodbive!

2007-06-21T22:50:00.000+10:00

CentralCentralCentralCentralCentralCentral
CentralCentralCentralCentralCentralCentral
CentralCentralCentralCentralCentralCentral
CentralCentralCentralCentralCentralCentral
CentralCentralCentralCentralCentralCentral
CentralCentralCentralCentralCentralCentral
CentralCentralCentralCentralCentralCentral
CentralCentralCentralCentralCentralCentral
CentralCentralCentralCentralCentralCentral

!

I am leaving at 6:30 am tomorrow. Tomorrow being Friday.
I scared, eek!
This is my little goodbye post.
I will be back on the 8th of July. Hooray.
I am feeling very dizzy and I don't like it. Praaaay with me?

But now I must sleep.
Gooood niiiight.
AHHHHH.
Excitement.
I want to cryyyy.
Four times in one week not so good. Ahhh too much stuff ahhhh!

Ok, calm. Sleep. Goodnight. Love. Happy holidays.

-Em

Skrbl

2007-06-12T00:07:00.000+10:00

Dash the Assassin

2007-06-09T21:51:00.000+10:00

Dash the Assassin is one of my current favourite bands.
Click here and listen, yo.

Easy as 1,2,3...

2007-06-09T10:51:00.001+10:00

No One can see that there's no Two
But Two can see there'll be no Three
Unfourtunately for little Three
Three's existence depends on Two
Of which One thinks Two will do
Of which Two knows is not true
The living Three would be joined by Four
Joined by Four against Two's law
After Three Two wouldn't want Four
Four would fuel the age-long war.

I wrote this confusing little thing a while ago.
It doesn't really mean anything, but I'm interested as to what other people interpret it as.

Title

2007-06-07T09:50:00.002+10:00

So. I need to post something that isn't me ranting. Here is a poem I wrote last year! It should win all kinds of prizes.

Pick me up in your arms,
Tell me you love me.
Tell me we're safe,
We're safe from the mung beans.

/END

Awesome

2007-05-30T16:33:00.002+10:00

StressAnxietyAhhhh!

2007-05-24T17:02:00.000+10:00

Exams.

Are next week.

I am stressed.

I have so much to do.

Sigh. My subjects this year are: Foundation maths, Vis Comm, Art, 3/4 Studio Arts, Media, and English. Oh and Veta.
I only have four exams. But I also have to do my Vis Comm project, which is due tomorrow, which I haven't started, and my visual diary is at school. I have my maths project to do, which is due next week, and how sad would it be to fail foundation maths?
Had an English SAC today on Gattaca which was pretty easy because it was creative writing not an analytical piece. Have to finish filming for my media product, and have to edit & post production crap, also have to start on my second medium. Also need to get a grasp of representation. Anyone care to explain representation in different terms than my media teacher does? He makes no sense.
Have to study those art things. Elements and something or other. The stupid man teacher wrecked my painting. I hate still life, people always paint fruit, and bowls, and fruit bowls.

Changed my theme for Studio Arts, was doing winter, am now doing faces/eyes.
I have to do my folio & design brief in a week. My teacher is severely abstract when he explains things. Egad I'm scared. Scared.
I have so much to do, so much to do, so much to do.
Going to dad's for dinner tonight.
Youth tomorrow night.
Shopping for central on Saturday.
Work on Saturday.
Church and leader's meeting on Sunday.
Ahhhhhh crap, I'm so screwed.

Went to Top Designs for an excursion yesterday. Made me feel... inadequate? How the hell can I be as good as that? Everything was so creative, and so good.
Why can't I be as good as that?
Arty things are pretty much all I'm good at in my eyes, and I'm not even that good compared to others.
What do I have, if not that?

Why does school and society put so much pressure on us to excel and exceed? I can't do it. I hate this academic world I live in. You're no good unless you have a good, well payed, respected job.
I know that's not really true, but that's the pressure they put on us.

I can't do it. I can't.

Maybe, just maybe, I can. Prayer would be good.

... More than meets the eye...

2007-05-21T01:07:00.001+10:00